I don't really know how to begin....

[Andrews_pet]

I have never posted anything here before but I like to read the posts and was wondering if anyone could give me any suggestions.
I am pretty frustrated lately and just can not figure out what I should do or say. I have been with my Master for 7 years but the last couple of years we have just turned into a regular couple and I can't stand it anymore.
I know a lot of it may be my own fault but I don't think I have been that bad and I feel like he has just given it up. I don't know what to say to tell him how I feel.
I try to write my feelings out for him but it just ends up being 6 pages of incoherent "I want, but I want you to want to" blah blah blah.
I love him and I don't want anyone else but, I don't feel I can continue to live like this either.
I try to be good on my own but I don't seem to be able to keep it up very long. Then I get really bitchy and then he gets mad. Then I try to be good while being ignored and we go round and round with this.
I tried to tell him a couple months ago that I just don't feel like his pet anymore. Basically I cried while he held me and said of course I was his pet but nothing else really came of it.
Please any ideas you have would be very much appreciated.
Thank you if you read this.

 

[myinnerslut]

you seem to have illustrated your feelings quite well here. mabye copy and paste it and then print it out and leave it on his bed for him. in confrontation situations i always find that writing things down is so much easy then saying them. and if i do have to say them outloud i usually dont look him in the face when i do. it helps me be able to say what i need to say.

in the worstcase scenario, you can tell him that you are unwilling to live this way and are removing your submission from him. a friend recently told me that the only ultimatum a sub can give is removing his/her submission. if you are upset enough to do that then it should be a wake up call for him.

 

[SweetErika]

This is a tough situation, and I'm sorry you're hurting.

Know that you're not alone; all long-term relationships get into ruts periodically, and BOTH people have to really work at it to reignite/feed the flame.

Have you talked with him about how he thinks the D/s aspect of your relationship is going, what he thinks some problems might be, how to bring back the spark, etc.? If so, what's his view as you understand it?

It sounds like you have a good start with writing your feelings down. Have you tried to look at what you've written another day, when you feel positive and refreshed in general, and condense it down to the important points with concrete examples and solutions?

For example, let's say you have "I want a Dom who plays with me on a regular basis, but you don't do that," and some other statements that are associated with that now.

You could try putting them into this basic format:

Main Issue: I need attention.

"I..." statement: I feel like I need more of your attention when it comes to the D/s or BDSM aspects of our relationship. I feel like we've both let this slide in recent months/years.

Example(s): For example, you used to have me sit at your feet while you relaxed after work and pet me, but we don't do that much anymore.

Solution(s): I'm hoping we can try to do that at least once a week again. I know it's hard to get into new habits, so maybe I could ask you to give me attention when I need it, or if we could do something that would make me feel attended to, or we could come up with a signal that tells you I need attention (e.g. nuzzling you, sitting at your feet)?


Do you see what I mean? In my mind, it's likely to come off as a more constructive, less blaming and complaining approach. Most of your feelings probably fall into certain categories, like needing attention, affection, intimacy, play, pain, sex, discipline, enforced rules, routines, etc., so you can draw from what you've already written to create a clearer, more concise outline that will help you two communicate.

When talking, you might also ask if you could journal your thoughts in hopes of understanding and communicating more. If he sees that you've been feeling down about the lack of play lately, he might decide to incorporate more of it before it becomes a major issue and resentment builds in your relationship.

I've got to run, but those were my main initial thoughts after reading your post, and I'm sure you'll get tons of good advice from the smart people here.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think this is more common an issue than many realise, and from what I hear it is one situation where talking does not always achieve the desired results, nor is it a direct reaction to misbehaviour or failure on the part of the submissive. Based on what I have heard others in similar circumstances say, talking usually results at some point in the PYL placating the pyl with reassurances things either have not changed, are not the fault of the pyl, and/or will return to what it was but often does not for any length of time.

I do not know the magic answer but all those I know of who have been through it, have been in the relationship for more than a year or 2 so does not fall into the category of the PYL just not really being into being Dominant any longer. I would look at general health....is he under any stress from work; is he rundown or depressed; does he feel stuck in a rut in life in general; does he have problems motivating himself in other areas as well based on what he used to be like? I think these are all good things to look at as when someone becomes rundown or burnt out, personal and intimate relstionships are often the first place to show the fallout of what is happening. It may be you will need to be patient a bit longer, maybe you will need to be more supportive and even pushy in a sense to help him help himself and also your relationship. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[unfoundiamond]

Great advice in these first posts... for anyone...

Post # 3 by Sweet Erika is great advice and I even learned something about communtication, all around great examples...

and Cat is totally right about removing ones submission, I would just cut ties before, but communticating this step was close there is a option for change to occur and needs to be met before its too late, I wasn't giving myself that choice...

(Personally, in the past I preffered to disapear to prevent redundant conversations. If I had talked and made myself clear to no result, I don't see the point in allowing time for more time to be wasted or allow myself to backpedal.)

 

[Homburg]

I would look at general health....is he under any stress from work; is he rundown or depressed; does he feel stuck in a rut in life in general; does he have problems motivating himself in other areas as well based on what he used to be like? I think these are all good things to look at as when someone becomes rundown or burnt out, personal and intimate relstionships are often the first place to show the fallout of what is happening. It may be you will need to be patient a bit longer, maybe you will need to be more supportive and even pushy in a sense to help him help himself and also your relationship. Good luck.

This is eminently solid advice. Andropause can cause sexual drive and dominance to falter, as testosterone levels plummet. It is fairly easy to treat, and there are numerous ways in which it is handled. And andropause is just one of many things that can cause the sort of disinterest that he is experiencing.

 

[Etoile]

To the OP: You are NOT alone. I am going through this too. *hugs*

 

[Andrews_pet]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.
We met online and had a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years before I moved to be with him and now we have lived together for 4 1/2 years. So just leaving isn't even on the table of options. I just couldn't live without him. I love him so much and I know he loves me its just this one thing that is not going so well and it was the whole basis of our relationship to begin with so I know you all can understand how I feel. And its really nice to be able to hear from people who understand since its not like I can talk to any of my friends about it.
Well this has been a really stressful and difficult year for us both career wise and financially and I have been depressed a lot and it would make sense if his way of dealing with it all would be just to pull back maybe. And I do think I need to at least try communicating my feelings a bit more clearly. I am going to have to write it out otherwise I just end up in tears not communicating anything and I know for a fact he hates that.
I really appreciate your advice and examples Sweet Erika, I am definitely going to use it.
As for andropause, I had to look that one up. I had no idea there was such a thing. Well he is a lot older than I am but I hope its nothing too serious like that. I am hoping its more the stress from this year. What with everything thats been going on.
Anyway you have all given me some stuff to think about and I'm going to use some of it right away.
I guess I just got frustrated having no one to talk to about it. And I couldn't find anything online for people who have been together for awhile, it seems to be mostly just stuff for new people.
So thanks for reading it all and helping me out. I stop by and read often because it makes me happy knowing there are lots of nice, smart people out there that feel the same way about this lifestyle.

 

[Homburg]

Well this has been a really stressful and difficult year for us both career wise and financially and I have been depressed a lot and it would make sense if his way of dealing with it all would be just to pull back maybe.

That right there can be enough. I know, it happened to me. There's nothing like career and financial woes to cause someone to lose sight of their power.

 

[myinnerslut]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.
We met online and had a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years before I moved to be with him and now we have lived together for 4 1/2 years. So just leaving isn't even on the table of options. I just couldn't live without him. I love him so much and I know he loves me its just this one thing that is not going so well and it was the whole basis of our relationship to begin with so I know you all can understand how I feel. And its really nice to be able to hear from people who understand since its not like I can talk to any of my friends about it.
Well this has been a really stressful and difficult year for us both career wise and financially and I have been depressed a lot and it would make sense if his way of dealing with it all would be just to pull back maybe. And I do think I need to at least try communicating my feelings a bit more clearly. I am going to have to write it out otherwise I just end up in tears not communicating anything and I know for a fact he hates that.
I really appreciate your advice and examples Sweet Erika, I am definitely going to use it.
As for andropause, I had to look that one up. I had no idea there was such a thing. Well he is a lot older than I am but I hope its nothing too serious like that. I am hoping its more the stress from this year. What with everything thats been going on.
Anyway you have all given me some stuff to think about and I'm going to use some of it right away.
I guess I just got frustrated having no one to talk to about it. And I couldn't find anything online for people who have been together for awhile, it seems to be mostly just stuff for new people.
So thanks for reading it all and helping me out. I stop by and read often because it makes me happy knowing there are lots of nice, smart people out there that feel the same way about this lifestyle.

whatever the reason and whatever its cuase, i hope things work out. {{hug}}

 

[pellso27]

run away from home or start pissing in the house when hes gone

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you all for your advice and comments.
We met online and had a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years before I moved to be with him and now we have lived together for 4 1/2 years. So just leaving isn't even on the table of options. I just couldn't live without him. I love him so much and I know he loves me its just this one thing that is not going so well and it was the whole basis of our relationship to begin with so I know you all can understand how I feel. And its really nice to be able to hear from people who understand since its not like I can talk to any of my friends about it.
Well this has been a really stressful and difficult year for us both career wise and financially and I have been depressed a lot and it would make sense if his way of dealing with it all would be just to pull back maybe. And I do think I need to at least try communicating my feelings a bit more clearly. I am going to have to write it out otherwise I just end up in tears not communicating anything and I know for a fact he hates that.
I really appreciate your advice and examples Sweet Erika, I am definitely going to use it.
As for andropause, I had to look that one up. I had no idea there was such a thing. Well he is a lot older than I am but I hope its nothing too serious like that. I am hoping its more the stress from this year. What with everything thats been going on.
Anyway you have all given me some stuff to think about and I'm going to use some of it right away.
I guess I just got frustrated having no one to talk to about it. And I couldn't find anything online for people who have been together for awhile, it seems to be mostly just stuff for new people.
So thanks for reading it all and helping me out. I stop by and read often because it makes me happy knowing there are lots of nice, smart people out there that feel the same way about this lifestyle.

I'm glad it was helpful.

I think you're probably on the money about stress having a lot to do with it. At least we've noticed it plays a big role in our dynamic. When either of us has had difficulty, we both tend to revert back to a traditional/vanilla dynamic because it feels safe and is what we know best (we really just formally recognized and jumped into D/s a year ago).

Likewise, when my husband started to have difficulty wrapping his head aroud being submissive and got into a lot of stress from work, my instinct was to back off so he/we could sort it out without any added pressure of extra tasks and worrying if he was a good sub, even though we both find BDSM to be a stress reliever. I did check in with him frequently and blatantly tell him I was backing off and he'd have to initiate BDSM activities, however.

In the end, we were just more quietly D/s, and we've recently started to resume the more overt activities since we're both feeling better and he's getting help with his anxiety disorder.

So, I'd suggest including this in your conversations with your Master. If it has been playing a role, or is likely to do so in the future, maybe you two can come up with some ways you might deal with it differently, even if that's just recognizing it aloud or making a date to play/attend to eachother in a D/s manner, say, for a few minutes a day or once a week during the difficult time.

Also, you said you don't have anyone else to talk to in real life. Have you looked into local groups, munches, etc.? Or tried to create some friendships with locals through personals sites? I find having a RL support network to be critical, in terms of feeling like there are some other people I can be my whole self with and turn to for advice if something's going on. Even spending a couple of hours with others once a month or every other month is helpful for me.

So, I'd advise you (both of you, really) to try to find some other open-minded people in your area, or the nearest larger city. Doing so may also help you guys get the spark back. I know that talking to others and seeing them play sometimes has helped us to remember what we enjoy so much and find new things to keep it exciting.