I don't pick my nose

[WickedEve]

But I do like to pick at my poetry before sharing it with the world.

Machiavellian, that's posted today, escaped me before I could dissect it and play with its little parts. I also wrote Kept right after Machiavellian. It hasn't been posted yet, and that may be a good thing. I like Kept but it needs a better title and it needs to be tinkered with.

Can anyone help with the title or any trouble spots you may see?

Kept

I dreamed in Mozambique,
your skin gray beneath my blue tear veil.
Rapid eye movements still shudder me--
Abu Dhabi is no restful zone.

How many landscapes must I lay between us
till you no longer reach me with whispers
choked through fiber optic lines.

I was your inamorata,
a Monet wisteria, pendulous
on your arm--my papa of plenty.

But now the tenderness of May breaks
like a winter bough laden with cold money
and your December flesh.

(I want to use December, but I'm not too crazy about flesh.)

 

[WickedEve]

And I think Fiber Optic doesn't work. I was going with Bell lines but didn't like that. I think fiber optic is like tossing technology into a mix of fine words like inamorata, wisteria, Mozambique, etc.

 

[Angeline]

I'll be back with a review. I have to wait my turn on this computer.

 

[WickedEve]

I'll be back with a review. I have to wait my turn on this computer.

Uh, just throw him to the floor and take the computer! I need a help with this poem. If I don't get help, I may just start picking my nose! (not really)

 

[Angeline]

Uh, just throw him to the floor and take the computer! I need a help with this poem. If I don't get help, I may just start picking my nose! (not really)

If it was him, it'd be easy--I could sweet talk him into it--it's a little boy, lol. He's too cute--I don't have the heart to throw him off. But--uh--I'm back now.

 

[WickedEve]

Is he young enough to fall for "The keyboard bites" because that's how I got mine off the computer... well, it almost worked.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I like the poem as is a lot, Eve. My major quirk would be that - unless I'm misunderstanding the context - Abu Dhabi is nowhere near Mozambique.

Mozambique doesn't have that great a fibre optic network either.

How many landscapes must I lay between us
till you no longer reach me with whispers
choked [distorted?] across radio phone waves.

 

[WickedEve]

annaswirls used fiber optic wires on another thread. Wires are better than lines. Now I may not have to resort to such antics as nose picking to get some poetry assistance. But honestly, who pays attention to you when you say, "Feedback Please" in your title?

 

[Angeline]

ok, here goes--see what you think....

Kept

I dreamt in Mozambique,
your skin gray beneath my veil blue tears.
Rapid eye movements still shudder me--
Abu Dhabi is no safe zone.
Abu Dhabi is in the United Arab Emirates, not Mozambique, so this seems off to me--I'd pair a country and city; just me but that seems more logical to me. I know you wouldn't want something really obvious like Iraq/Baghdad (sp?), but there are other "unsafe" place examples you could use...

How many landscapes must blanket our distance
till your whispers no longer choke me
through these crossed wires?
go ahead--tell me "crossed wires" is cliche--but I like it, lol

I was your inamorata,
a Monet wisteria, smudged heavy
on your generous arm.

But now the bloom of May breaks
winter's bough cold laden jangling
with your December change.
this last line may not do it for you--I'm just trying to work the metaphor--let me know what you think

I'm not sure I took this where you want it to go--suspect I may have changed the focus too much--I just played with the words and this is what I got. Take whatever works and if it doesn't, well anyway.

 

[Angeline]

Is he young enough to fall for "The keyboard bites" because that's how I got mine off the computer... well, it almost worked.

no. he's 9. it wouldn't fly.

 

[WickedEve]

I like the poem as is a lot, Eve. My major quirk would be that - unless I'm misunderstanding the context - Abu Dhabi is nowhere near Mozambique.

Mozambique doesn't have that great a fibre optic network either.

How many landscapes must I lay between us
till you no longer reach me with whispers
choked [distorted?] across radio phone waves.

well, I wanted to give the impression that she's moving around a lot to get away from him. And I thought about the condition of their phone lines, too. lol I like distorted! I used choked because I pictured him choking up becasue he wants her back. He's begging. Yes, begging! Raido phone waves? Hmmm.

 

[Angeline]

I like the poem as is a lot, Eve. My major quirk would be that - unless I'm misunderstanding the context - Abu Dhabi is nowhere near Mozambique.

Mozambique doesn't have that great a fibre optic network either.

How many landscapes must I lay between us
till you no longer reach me with whispers
choked [distorted?] across radio phone waves.

If you don't change that av soon, I'm gonna start calling you the 5th Beatle. Or maybe the 3rd Beatle, lol.

 

[WickedEve]

ok, here goes--see what you think....

Kept

I dreamt in Mozambique,
your skin gray beneath my veil blue tears.
Rapid eye movements still shudder me--
Abu Dhabi is no safe zone.
Abu Dhabi is in the United Arab Emirates, not Mozambique, so this seems off to me--I'd pair a country and city; just me but that seems more logical to me. I know you wouldn't want something really obvious like Iraq/Baghdad (sp?), but there are other "unsafe" place examples you could use...

I see where I boo booed when I changed this last night. I left out the important clue that she's moving from place to place. lol And she can't find a restful place because of her dreams about him.

 

[thenry]

the things that itch for me are not word choice but word order. vague notions of emphasis or something. this is always much easier when I can scribble over a paper copy, changing individual words and drawing lines between matching sounds without actually having to rewrite the poem.

So, not that I am rewriting your poem to show you how it could be better as I wouldn't wish anyone to think I am belittling your talents as an artist and feelings as an author and the genuine respect in which I hold all living things with access to the internet, this is what I would like to show:

I dreamt in Mozambique,
your skin gray beneath my blue tear veil.
Rapid eyes moving still shudder me--
Abu Dhabi is no restful zone.

How many landscapes must lay between us
till you no longer reach me with whispers
choked through lines of light.

I was your inamorata,
a Monet wisteria, pendulous
on your arm--my papa of plenty. (plentiful papa?)

But now the tenderness of May breaks
like a winter bough weighed with cold money
and your December flesh.

…also, a diferent expression for flesh, preferably one with a long A.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I see where I boo booed when I changed this last night. I left out the important clue that she's moving from place to place. lol And she can't find a restful place because of her dreams about him.

I thought that was a possible explanation for Abu Dhabi, yes, but maybe you do need to make that cleared. You have one more verse you can add to the second stanza and turn it into a perfect sonnet.

 

[WickedEve]

How many landscapes must blanket our distance
till your whispers no longer choke me
through these crossed wires?
go ahead--tell me "crossed wires" is cliche--but I like it, lol

Crossed wires is not bad at all.

I was your inamorata,
a Monet wisteria, smudged heavy
on your generous arm.

smudged is a different approach. I went with Monet because this a rich man who would have fine things. I used Wisteria because it's one of Monet's paintings and wisteria hang/droop and I wanted her to be hanging on her sugar daddy's arm.

 

[WickedEve]

But now the bloom of May breaks
winter's bough cold laden jangling
with your December change.

I like this too. They are so many ways to approach this one. I want to keep the cliche of May/December romance, but of course, do it in an original way.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

If you don't change that av soon, I'm gonna start calling you the 5th Beatle. Or maybe the 3rd Beatle, lol.

Make me

 

[WickedEve]

So, not that I am rewriting your poem to show you how it could be better as I wouldn't wish anyone to think I am belittling your talents as an artist and feelings as an author and the genuine respect in which I hold all living things with access to the internet, this is what I would like to show:

I'm one of those poets who doesn't need a disclaimer attached to comments. lol
Thanks, thenry.

 

[Angeline]

How many landscapes must blanket our distance
till your whispers no longer choke me
through these crossed wires?
go ahead--tell me "crossed wires" is cliche--but I like it, lol

Crossed wires is not bad at all.

I was your inamorata,
a Monet wisteria, smudged heavy
on your generous arm.

smudged is a different approach. I went with Monet because this a rich man who would have fine things. I used Wisteria because it's one of Monet's paintings and wisteria hang/droop and I wanted her to be hanging on her sugar daddy's arm.

I figured that might be what you meant. I used "smudged" because I didn't like "pendulous" (put me more in mind of erm Gaugin, lol), and "smudged" suggested Impressionism to me, but.... maybe some alternate for pendulous will work?

 

[Angeline]

Make me

You just thank your lucky stars I don't have my copy of Photoshop here, lol. You'd be on the Sgt Pepper cover.



(on Einstein's body hehe)

 

[WickedEve]

I figured that might be what you meant. I used "smudged" because I didn't like "pendulous" (put me more in mind of erm Gaugin, lol), and "smudged" suggested Impressionism to me, but.... maybe some alternate for pendulous will work?

I was connecting pendulous with wisteria and not Monet. Maybe I could drop Monet.
I am dropping Abu Dhabi.
Damn it, I'm changing the time period, too. No fiber optic wires. Either pony express or smoke signals.

 

[Angeline]

I was connecting pendulous with wisteria and not Monet. Maybe I could drop Monet.
I am dropping Abu Dhabi.
Damn it, I'm changing the time period, too. No fiber optic wires. Either pony express or smoke signals.

lol. big help, aren't we?

 

[champagne1982]

Kept

I dreamt I slept in Mozambique,
your skin gray beneath my blue-tear veil.
I think that if you were to add the hyphen here it gives an impression of the "veil (vale) of tears". That's the impression I get anyway.
Rapid eye movements still shudder through me--
Abu Dhabi is no restful zone.
at least while I dream here.
If you were to take us back to the dream sequence again, it allows us to think about you sleeping in Abu Dhabi as well as Mozambique.

How many landscapes must I lay between us
till til you no longer reach me with whispers
choked through fiber optic lines. hissed through inferior wires?
The double 'L' on the end of the word till changes the meaning of it, to what you do to soil or what you put money in. I'm not sure if you want that imagery introduced before you get to the money metaphor later on.

I was your inamorata,
a Monet wisteria, pendulous clinging
on your arm -- my papa of plenty.
Fuck the critics who say you can't use a cliche. Those images flash directly to what you want your words to invoke and save a whole lot of confusion in the end.

But now the tenderness of May breaks
like a winter bough, laden heaped with cold money,
and delete the and purchased by your December flesh heart
Simple word choices can help with your images. Laden gives the impression of a burden carried in complicity while heaped seems to imply that the carrying of the load was involuntary. Using heart gives a better idea of romance turned cold than the word, flesh, doesn't it?.

I hope you're still thinking about using this poem. The title could maybe be "Flight of A Kept Woman"

 

[WickedEve]

champagne, thank you. I really like the hiss suggestion.
I like them all, actually.