I don't like this poem

[smithpeter]

I wrote it.
There will be a toned down version on the new poems list soon.
I was wondering how much people "fret" over what they will post and what they really want to post or what they think they should never post.
All I really did was chop off the end. Is this a sin?


Blues in F

His hands moved
As did his mouth
Next to an ear,
If the sound would come
From some phantom fret
Spaced natural

Songs, ballads tossed
Submerged blues
Floating to the underside
Below gates
Viewed from the lowest
Bottom notes

The deep
The deep
Da da deepdeep
Way down

Like a bunch of goddamned Mother Theresa's
Linking fingers
Chanting: blasphemy awaits
Vocation, Vocation
Liberal hearts
Way down
Linking fingers

 

[Elda Furry]

peter pumpkin

I saw this poem on the brand spanking new poem list. I'm glad you kicked out that last stanza. Love the way it ends now.

"The deep
The deep
Da da deepdeep
Way down"

Mmm... love those words together.

I have a request. Will you do an audio version of this on your site? I've heard your voice and I know it would sound so good to hear you say, "da da deepdeep Way down."

 

[smithpeter]

well, ok then

there is nothing like meeting strange women in poetry threads.
nothing like it in the world.
http://www.geocities.com/dag856/
or
http://www.geocities.com/dag856/bluesinf.mp3

 

[HomerPindar]

Being a fan of the blues, and a harp player to boot, I was happy to run across this thread

I wrote it.
There will be a toned down version on the new poems list soon.
All I really did was chop off the end. Is this a sin?

OH MY GOD YES IT IS... ok, so what's wrong with that?

Just joking there, figure a little sin on a erotica site, how dare you, was just something not to pass up

Blues in F

His hands moved
As did his mouth
Next to an ear,
If the sound would come
From some phantom fret
Spaced natural

Songs, ballads tossed
Submerged blues
Floating to the underside
Below gates
Viewed from the lowest
Bottom notes

The deep
The deep
Da da deepdeep
Way down

Ok, up until this point it's a real good presenation of listening to the blues, and being drawn in as the listener and reader. Like that, the proximity "Next to an ear" mixed well with "Viewed from the lowest," it keeps mixing the imagery with the sound of the Blues...

Like a bunch of goddamned Mother Theresa's
Linking fingers
Chanting: blasphemy awaits
Vocation, Vocation
Liberal hearts
Way down
Linking fingers

But, I gotta admit, ya lost me here. What were you aiming for in this switch? Granted, you chopped it from the final, but still curious...

HomerPindar