I don't know what I am...

[secretlysubmissive]

I'm a 19 year old college student. Some people would consider me a good girl. I was for awhile, and then I found my guilty pleasure in erotic stories. I only used Lit to read, but now I finally have the guts to actually post on here. I'm trying to educate myself about BDSM and other terms in reference to this lifestyle. I'm not sure what I'm asking... I've reached out to a couple of 'Doms' just seeking advice, asking questions ETC. Trying to find things out for myself.

I have gotten personal with one of them and he told me, I resist "too much." That if I was his sub, i'd be considered disobedient and with disobedience, comes punishment. That excited me, but confused me all the same. Excited for the punishment, but confused me as to what i really enjoy? I have submissive tendencies, but I'm disobedient? What does that make me? Im so confused? I have always gotten off to making the other person feel good. I like having a man take control over every aspect of my body. I love giving....but the thrill of not complying warms my blood. I'm playful...and Somewhat of a tease. So, not obeying, gets something going inside of me. It feels good to be bad. (I know it sounds stupid) the thought of being punished kind of turns me on.....but being beaten and hurt scares the shit out of me. Not all punishments consist of violence and I get that... I'm just..... Oblivious I guess you could say. I'm just gonna stop typing before I make myself look even more like a noob.:/

 

[Fleur_De_Lis]

I know this probably doesn't help you...
But I just wanted to share that you're not alone - it's like you're reading my mind! I'm just glad that there is someone else out there like me.
So, I thank you for posting, because just seeing I'm not alone in my feelings helps. I wish you good luck in finding what works for you...I'll be searching for the same

 

[Redkate]

Some of what you're saying sounds like I could have said it!
I want a man to take control of me, to own me and have me submit to him. But I am picky about who the man is.

I have met some men who present themselves as Doms, but I can't see myself submitting to them. When I find a man I want to be playful with, but knows how to handle me, then I know I've found the right Dom for me. Luckily I have found a few who fit that bill.

To think that you will automatically submit to every man who presents himself as a Dom is not realistic for every sub. In the same way that being vanilla doesn't mean you want to sleep with every person you see.

Being submissive doesn't mean you have to live it 24/7. Some submissive people only want to be submissive in scenes, while others enjoy living a more full on lifestyle. Just do what you are comfortable with for now and work slowly on pushing your limits if that's what you want.

Also, don't just reach out to Doms. Reach out to other subs and share your feelings. Sometimes that's more helpful.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful.

Remember, this is just my point of view, I'm sure others will think differently.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm not sure what I'm asking... I've reached out to a couple of 'Doms' just seeking advice, asking questions ETC. Trying to find things out for myself.

Keep in mind, a lot of Internet doms (and RL ones too) have their heads stuck way up their arses. By all means ask around and get perspectives, but don't take any of it as gospel. If what they're saying doesn't make sense to you, maybe it's wrong, or at least wrong for you.

I have gotten personal with one of them and he told me, I resist "too much." That if I was his sub, i'd be considered disobedient and with disobedience, comes punishment. That excited me, but confused me all the same. Excited for the punishment, but confused me as to what i really enjoy? I have submissive tendencies, but I'm disobedient? What does that make me?

It makes you somebody with submissive tendencies who enjoys disobedience, and that's just as valid as any other. Don't worry too much about finding a pigeonhole to slot yourself into; submissives aren't interchangeable parts that have to fit the same mold.

Take your time, have fun, figure out what works for you. Don't worry too much about anybody else's expectations. Just be honest with people, and take care.

Some basic safety info, if you haven't already seen it: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsafety.html

 

[subwannabe]

You know what? You are a noob! By the way, that's not bad. Everyone was a noob at one time. Being a noob also makes you a naive 19 year old, ripe for some wacko wanting to take advantage of you. There are A LOT of weirdos out there so don't let someone take advantage of your inner desires and make life miserable for you and, believe me, that can happen very easily. A lot of predators disguise themselves as DOMS. My best advice is to find someone around your own age where you can experiment with things until you find out exactly what it is you like and don't like. Then, later in life, you can either try finding a real boyfriend who has similar interests or you can search for a DOM intelligently and with the experience of knowing how not to be taken advantage of. Don't let a predator take advantage of your inner desires by using the situation to their advantage and not yours.

 

[Mr Wolf]

I think that what the others have said is sensible and should help 'Guide' you, I have highlighted guide because that is what it is. Remember this is your journey but like a journey you must play it safe!

I'm a Dom but I don't live 24/7 for the scene, that is my preference the same as I enjoy vanilla but I don't do it all the time as it would get boring so it is with our play. I don't switch but if we are not palying and my partner asks me to do this or touch that then I will because I know it pleases her that again is my preference and my choice.

As has been said above, enjoy the journey, experiment, see what you enjoy but remember it is YOUR choice!

One thing I might suggest is possibly some online RP or even possibly an online Dom (I sure this will get some comments) but the reason I suggest it is because you can play online in relative safety and try a few things; REMEMBER it is a suggestion only it is for you to decide.

If there is anything I can help you with in the future then please feel free to PM as I can promise a non-judgemental and honest answer to anything you may want to ask even if it just 'I don't know'.

Regards

 

[Stella_Omega]

Does this help at all?
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=40603931#post40603931

(it might not, of course, but check it out)

 

[Brunne]

I've reached out to a couple of 'Doms' just seeking advice, asking questions ETC.

Assuming from this and the rest of your post that the Doms in question are male? My suggestion from my own experience is to seek out the opinion and advice of Dominant women as well. I learned a hell of a lot from other women who really understood the responsibility and seriousness of having a submissive in relationship with them. I'm certainly not saying that Dominant men don't, but having a mentor who isn't necessarily a potential sexual partner is a somewhat safer way to find out some of the basics.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

. I've reached out to a couple of 'Doms' just seeking advice, asking questions ETC. Trying to find things out for myself.

Trust yourself to know you are in a good place for you or not. Do not let someone override your instincts. They are there for a reason. No one can really tell you when and how to be you... that is for you to decide. You WILL know when you find your "right" spot. And it may take time to figure out to filter out the wants and needs... so please be kind and patient to you in the mean time.

But that aside, please consider being open to approaching other submissive types here as well. There is such a wealth of knowledge from such a broad range of experiences that you can learn much if you can be open to it. Read lots and if there is a poster that you feel you resonate with, speak up and ask questions!

Best of luck to you on your search & discovery.

 

[Kojote]

I love giving....but the thrill of not complying warms my blood. I'm playful...and Somewhat of a tease. So, not obeying, gets something going inside of me. It feels good to be bad. the thought of being punished kind of turns me on.....

That actually sounds pretty much the way I like it.
I'm admittedly not 'your ordinary Dom' and sometimes that’s exactly the problem. And on the other hand that's the really cool thing with BDSM, because for the (mentally) mature people in that scene it just... doesn't matter.

To me you sound pretty normal. Or let me say: pretty much the way I like a woman with submissive tendencies.

That doesn't seem to be a thing you will find any written rules for. Because the risk of lightly overstepping some boundaries is just part of that game.
It has to... go with the flow and with lots of talking sometimes. But I find it pretty rewarding to invest the time and just.. play that game.

Only thing is: You'll need to find somebody, who is just wired the right way.
And I'm afraid you won't find him where the guys with the hard covered rulebooks hang out.
Maybe he will eventually turn out to be just the guy next door, who isn’t very vocal about what gets him going before actually bonding.

Just keep an open eye on the guys who are strong willed and intelligent and… uhm… naturally dominant(?) and not only acting it up to hide their insecurities…

 

[secretlysubmissive]

I really appreciate everyone's responses
I have PM'd a couple of Sub's and Female Dom's aswell. Re-readin my post makes me shake my head at myself. I don't want to make myself seem completely clueless. I know what I like... I know what I'm into, I just didnt know if what I like, still means I'm submissive? I honestly thought that a Sub was someone who just does. Never fights back....never opposes...Someone who does everything they can to please their Dom/Domme. I'm sure that makes me seem as ignorant as a donkey's ass...that's what had me confused....I like pleasing people, doing as they say etc, but I also like to tease. I'm guessing that still makes me "submissive." I thought there would be another term for that but I guess not. lol how noob-ish of me

And for the record, I'm not looking for a Dom. I'm just trying to enlighten myself.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Some subs are like that. Some not so much. Some submissives are also dominant at times.

Submissiveness and dominance are a spectrum, just like so many other traits of human nature.

 

[secretlysubmissive]

Ms. Stella, you always have informative responses. In majority of the threads that I've browsed through, a lot of your comments were edifying. Thank you

 

[Kojote]

In my book what you decribed certainly qualifies as 'submissive'.
In another dudes book it likely will not.
It's up to you, how you call that. the only thing you should not forget is to clarify what it means to you to everybody you talk more closely to about that.

 

[HottieMama]

I really appreciate everyone's responses
I have PM'd a couple of Sub's and Female Dom's aswell. Re-readin my post makes me shake my head at myself. I don't want to make myself seem completely clueless. I know what I like... I know what I'm into, I just didnt know if what I like, still means I'm submissive? I honestly thought that a Sub was someone who just does. Never fights back....never opposes...Someone who does everything they can to please their Dom/Domme. I'm sure that makes me seem as ignorant as a donkey's ass...that's what had me confused....I like pleasing people, doing as they say etc, but I also like to tease. I'm guessing that still makes me "submissive." I thought there would be another term for that but I guess not. lol how noob-ish of me

And for the record, I'm not looking for a Dom. I'm just trying to enlighten myself.

I do everything I can to please my Domme. I don't oppose her or her will. I'm also her favorite smart-ass, and can be quite the (sexual) tease at times with her. It's all about finding someone that you mesh with and is willing to accept all of you. Yes, they may "tweak" you to their liking, but a few minor changes is FAR from becoming a mindless drone...

 

[YourCaptor]

Hey I love good girls. If you're in socal let me know.

But anyway, about your confusion.

Much of it is about limits.

A limit is basically that line at which exciting starts to become scary. Could be anything from kissing to maiming. You probably already know many of your limits even if they be dumb. Others you'll find with experience.

Usually you play along that line.

A lot of people also enjoy pushing limits, which is when you get pushed slightly past your comfort level, to heighten the thrill and all.

Hard limits are also used. A hard limit is a limit that you do not want pushed at all. Basically its something you don't want to do, something you are not even curious about.

Sub, dom, switch, a lot of people get all anal about the terminology. But really, just be yourself, find someone you like.