I don't know if I'll be ok...

[tenchikoi]

Thank you for letting me join. This is hard for me to write. I keep wanting to just avoid it. But I need to get it out and talk about it. I'm bad about bottling up my feelings and I know that's not healthy. So I'll do my best to tell it. Very early New Years Day of 2023, my Mother had a massive heart attack and passed away at that moment. My younger brother found her. But it was too late. Her body was taken to the hospital and put on life support. I was informed and flew down asap, where I sat for days in the hospital with her. She was unconscious the entire time. We had to wait for her heart to get strong enough to transport her to do a CT scan. It took several days, but the scan was done and no brain activity was found. She was truly gone. I was left with the the decision of pulling the plug and saying goodbye to her physical shell. I did so, knowing she'd never want to be kept alive on machines. I was there the entire month of January. Planning her celebration of life, arranging for her cremation, going through her house and retrieving the things she wanted me to keep safe. I was so busy. There was no time to rest or even grieve. Mentally, I shoveled it all down a bottomless pit to be dealt with when I wasn't in fight/flight/survival mode. I know that's not good. But there was too much to do and I didn't have the luxury of indulging my feelings at the time. So I did what I had to do and came home early this month. Now, I've been home nearly 3 weeks. Went right back to work. Bad idea. But no more PTO left and bills need paying so there wasn't much choice. I'm not ok. I've had unusual thoughts for me of just ending this simulation. I know it's just the grief talking and I'll be beginning counseling soon. As I sit here typing this out...I feel like I'm not really here. Like it's happening to someone else. I can't feel anything right now. I'm stuck and the panic attacks are unrelenting. Just wanted to put my experience out there. I welcome any helpful advise or suggestions. Thank you for reading. (Mother loved roses)

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Very sorry to read of your loss.

First off, there's nothing wrong with you. Yes, you're grieving, but grieving is part of life; just about everybody goes through it and just about all of us get through it. You will, too. It's not fun, but grieving is part of healing. Those who do not grieve never fully heal.

You

will

make

it.

You mentioned that you are about to start counseling. Excellent idea. That may also be painful, but it can be very effective.

I normally don't suggest self-help books, but one I do recommend is How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove and Bloomfield. Simple, easy to read, full of reassuring common sense.

Prayers and best wishes coming your way.

 

[StillRain]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I lost both my father and mother within less than a year of each other in 2021 and 2022. Losing your parents sets off a grief journey that is profound and intense, and a self discovery process within you that is ?maybe for the rest of your life.

You can get through this, and you will. It feels like you won’t sometimes - that’s those terrible waves of grief pulling you under. Soon the time between those waves will be longer. You’ll have more room to breathe before the next one dumps on you.

You can do this. It might feel like you can’t sometimes but you can. You will. The counselling will help give you tools to manage and get through also.

Hold on.

 

[LadyLascivious1]

I’m so sad to hear you’re going through such a tough time. I lost my dad very unexpectedly a couple of years ago and was the one to make the decision to end life support, donate tissue, and most of the other big things that happened in the family in the wake of his death.

It still doesn’t feel real when I think about him being gone, but being around people immediately after we lost him helped a lot. Staying busy in the months after was also a big part of how I coped. I started a new job and moved to another country for a few months. Neither of those were because of him, but it worked out well in terms of timing for me.

These days talking about him, telling stories, laughing at things he did, and remembering all the wonderful things about him makes me smile. Occasionally I still get really sad and miss him, but as Rain mentioned those grief moments are getting less frequent with time.

 

[Dearelliot]

Amazing how resilient we humans are.

 

[Lady2020]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. You will get through this.

 

[Athalia]

All of your reactions to your present situation are entirely normal. I can only add my own few observations to what others said:
1. Accept whatever other people give you to help you through this, but don't be bitter toward those who won't or can't help you.
2. Everybody grieves in a different way. Some do it early, some late. Some grieve all at once, and some over periods of time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and nobody should judge you on your own path.
3. Do go to a counselor, preferably one who deals with grief issues. They can help you navigate these dark waters toward a sunny shore.

 

[Wonderer67]

I think you’re doing the right things. Grieving is difficult… losing a loved family member is even more difficult.

Had a very similar situation a year ago, and it didn’t really hit me until six months later, because I had just been too busy to deal with the feelings.

Time will change some of it (sounds corny and I hate saying it, but the grief will lessen over time.) I think seeing a therapist will help too.

Getting the rest and time off you need outside of work will help you too. Or maybe staying busy (but avoidance is not always the best tactic). You will find your way out of this dark time.

Another idea is your friends and fam. Use them as your support network.

I wish you luck.

 

[lazy_literotic]

I had a similar thing - not drawn out at all though.
the shock of the change in your life that has no offramp.
before you just could just push that button on your phone and have lite conversations just carry on.
no more. it's permanent.
I play this in the mornings, makes me feel better. happy tune

 

[conoflex]

Hi ,so sorry to hear this ,I lost both my parents in A very short time , my dad when I was seriously ill myself and at my lowest point and my ma m a bit later on , my grief for the 2 of them hit me a few months after my mother passed and don't get me wrong it was difficult and brilliance hard even now 12 yrs on .
My advice is Get your counselling , if possible surround yourself as best you can with family and friends and always remember the good times you had with your mother .
All the best to you and take care x

 

[akatrex]

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me



When tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, that an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand The Angel said my place was ready, In Heaven far above, and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.



But when I walked through Heaven’s Gates, I felt so much at home, for God looked down, smiled at me, and told me

“Welcome Home”



So, when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart, for every time you think of me, I’m right there in your heart.​

 

[RoperTrace]

Thank you for letting me join. This is hard for me to write. I keep wanting to just avoid it. But I need to get it out and talk about it. I'm bad about bottling up my feelings and I know that's not healthy. So I'll do my best to tell it. Very early New Years Day of 2023, my Mother had a massive heart attack and passed away at that moment. My younger brother found her. But it was too late. Her body was taken to the hospital and put on life support. I was informed and flew down asap, where I sat for days in the hospital with her. She was unconscious the entire time. We had to wait for her heart to get strong enough to transport her to do a CT scan. It took several days, but the scan was done and no brain activity was found. She was truly gone. I was left with the the decision of pulling the plug and saying goodbye to her physical shell. I did so, knowing she'd never want to be kept alive on machines. I was there the entire month of January. Planning her celebration of life, arranging for her cremation, going through her house and retrieving the things she wanted me to keep safe. I was so busy. There was no time to rest or even grieve. Mentally, I shoveled it all down a bottomless pit to be dealt with when I wasn't in fight/flight/survival mode. I know that's not good. But there was too much to do and I didn't have the luxury of indulging my feelings at the time. So I did what I had to do and came home early this month. Now, I've been home nearly 3 weeks. Went right back to work. Bad idea. But no more PTO left and bills need paying so there wasn't much choice. I'm not ok. I've had unusual thoughts for me of just ending this simulation. I know it's just the grief talking and I'll be beginning counseling soon. As I sit here typing this out...I feel like I'm not really here. Like it's happening to someone else. I can't feel anything right now. I'm stuck and the panic attacks are unrelenting. Just wanted to put my experience out there. I welcome any helpful advise or suggestions. Thank you for reading. (Mother loved roses)

It's been over two weeks, and I hope you're doing better, or okay if that's reasonable. If you can, drop us a line to update your situation. I've had those unusual thoughts of just ending the simulation, and have no idea where they came from. TBH, one popped up today out of the blue, and I was able to quickly tell it to get lost. I lost both parents suddenly over a 7 month period. The night my dad was dying, my FIL was thought to be dying at the Vet. hospital, so I stopped and said goodbye to him too, and left my wife with her dad. He survived that night. My wife struggled mightily with her grief for her dad, since he was withering away with dementia over a couple years. I see some similarities in your experience, as my mother was struck down with a massive stroke and we stopped life support the following morning. She too loved roses, and they're my favorite flower too.

 

[tenchikoi]

Hello everyone. I wanted to give a little update if anyone cares. Thank you for your kind words and advice. It truly is appreciated. It's been over 3 months since her passing. I'm doing what people say I'm supposed to. Talking to a counselor, on meds and trying to take care of myself. But honestly, it still just sucks and I don't feel like it's gotten any better yet. Probably cuz it's only been such a short time. I feel like I'm fading away and right now I don't honestly care. I'm on autopilot. Living, working, eating and going through the motions. Though I did pick up an old hobby I used to enjoy. Having pen pals. We write real letters to each other. It's a small start. I'm doing the best I can.

 

[Wonderer67]

I think I can speak for the whole group of people who replied and then some: we do care.

I’m sorry you’re still struggling with this. Most people would be.

Dealing with trauma is not easy. Glad you are pen palling with someone. That’s a cool, old-school hobby.

I hate to sound corny, but I feel that you will see some improvement over time. Go slow… I know it’s not easy, but it takes some time.

Hang tough. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re on the right path.

 

[LadyAdonia17]

Grief is different for everyone. It does not fully go away, in my opinion, we just get used to it in a way. Some people may suggest medicated the symptoms, talking to a therapist, or just be patient. In my experience, and I've lost many loved ones, you just have to take it one day at a time. My ex husband passed suddenly 10 years ago, leaving our daughters fatherless. He was my first love, my high school sweetheart. I was devastated. We were divorced but best friends. I bought my daughters journals and told them whenever they want to tell their Dad how they felt, or just talk to him, to write him a journal entry. Through that process, they could connect with him and even 'feel' him, and learn to grieve. Perhaps you should do the same.

 

[muddie684]

Hello everyone. I wanted to give a little update if anyone cares. Thank you for your kind words and advice. It truly is appreciated. It's been over 3 months since her passing. I'm doing what people say I'm supposed to. Talking to a counselor, on meds and trying to take care of myself. But honestly, it still just sucks and I don't feel like it's gotten any better yet. Probably cuz it's only been such a short time. I feel like I'm fading away and right now I don't honestly care. I'm on autopilot. Living, working, eating and going through the motions. Though I did pick up an old hobby I used to enjoy. Having pen pals. We write real letters to each other. It's a small start. I'm doing the best I can.

It's good that you recognize what's happening to you. Some people don't realize they're depressed and don't attempt to address it until it's too late.

Stick with the counseling. Take the pills. Seek the physical presence of family and friends. If you lose your job, fine, you can get another, but you only get one mortal life on earth. Keep adjusting your counseling and medications until the suicidal ideation slows to a stop. Go through the motions if you have to. Don't be ashamed, because pride can get you killed. Be weak and let others know about your weakness. Keep communicating with people, more pen pals, write in your journal, etc. Sometimes depression is anger that's been turned inward, so ask why you're angry. Take up as many hobbies as you can, new and old, especially ones that force you to socialize.

From my experience it doesn't get "better" but it does get tolerable because you build the skills to tolerate it, or better yet, manage it. Someone you knew for your entire life is gone and will be gone from this mortal life until the resurrection. That hurts. That's real. And it's going to keep happening as you get older. You don't need to be happy about it. In fact, you should hate it. However, death deserves to die, not you. You deserve to live. You deserve life abundant, so fight for it.

 

[Wag_that_tail86]

Hello everyone. I wanted to give a little update if anyone cares. Thank you for your kind words and advice. It truly is appreciated. It's been over 3 months since her passing. I'm doing what people say I'm supposed to. Talking to a counselor, on meds and trying to take care of myself. But honestly, it still just sucks and I don't feel like it's gotten any better yet. Probably cuz it's only been such a short time. I feel like I'm fading away and right now I don't honestly care. I'm on autopilot. Living, working, eating and going through the motions. Though I did pick up an old hobby I used to enjoy. Having pen pals. We write real letters to each other. It's a small start. I'm doing the best I can.

Some days will be better and some not, it's ok, give yourself as long as you need. You can and will find joy again, you can and will see beauty in life again. Just keep at it, each day, things will start getting a little bit easier. I hope you find peace.

 

[Carmilla234]

Hey. I know I am an awful writer, but here me out.

It's okay to not be happy some days. You need to take as long as you need to heal. You'll see the happiness again soon. It'll get better, I promise. I hope you find your happiness soon. Stay strong.

 

[muddie684]

tenchikoi, how are you this week? We all hope you are improving.​

 

[tenchikoi]

Have an update for everyone. Even though it hasn't been very long since Mother's passing, I'm doing much better. Off the med and in counseling. Working on processing my feelings in a healthy/safe way. It also helped to reevaluate my attitude about my job. I'm no longer killing myself giving them 100% when they give so little back. I'll only be doing exactly what my job description entails. They don't deserve more. I'm putting that reclaimed energy into better self care. I don't mean spoiling myself with food, spa treatments or lazy behavior. Though those are needed on occasion. I'm eating healthier, started a new exercise plan and taking some free college courses on line for my self betterment. Things are looking up and I'm so glad all of you reached out to me. Please keep in touch. Message me if you want. I want to be there for everyone I can too.

 

[tenchikoi]

It's good that you recognize what's happening to you. Some people don't realize they're depressed and don't attempt to address it until it's too late.

Stick with the counseling. Take the pills. Seek the physical presence of family and friends. If you lose your job, fine, you can get another, but you only get one mortal life on earth. Keep adjusting your counseling and medications until the suicidal ideation slows to a stop. Go through the motions if you have to. Don't be ashamed, because pride can get you killed. Be weak and let others know about your weakness. Keep communicating with people, more pen pals, write in your journal, etc. Sometimes depression is anger that's been turned inward, so ask why you're angry. Take up as many hobbies as you can, new and old, especially ones that force you to socialize.

From my experience it doesn't get "better" but it does get tolerable because you build the skills to tolerate it, or better yet, manage it. Someone you knew for your entire life is gone and will be gone from this mortal life until the resurrection. That hurts. That's real. And it's going to keep happening as you get older. You don't need to be happy about it. In fact, you should hate it. However, death deserves to die, not you. You deserve to live. You deserve life abundant, so fight for it.

I recently remembered something my great grandmother told me about death/dying. That we're all energy and 'death' as we think of it isn't a thing in God's eternal kingdom. Our flesh buggies (what she called our bodies) wear out eventually and our souls are released to go back to God. We take all the love we've been given and important lessons learned. Nothing is lost. Those who have gone on ahead will be there waiting for us when our bodies break down for good. It'll be like the biggest family reunion you've ever had, minus the family drama. She's had several NDE's (near death experiences) throughout her life. I found it comforting and I know I'll see her again. I had a lot of anger around how she went, the suddenness and not getting to say goodbye. I felt cheated of important closure. I just had to accept that I wouldn't get it while alive on this rock. I'll just have to be patient and take care of my well being like I know she's want me to.