I desire your input, please...

[Esclava]

Those of you who have followed any of my posts during the short time I have been a Litster, know that I am returning to BDSM after a 10 year hiatus when I declared I would never return.

Well, never say never. I had an "informational interview" with a prospective PYL Saturday night. In reviewing the events of the evening, I am not sure how much of the apprehension I am feeling is fear caused by this being the first step back into the water - or due to a feeling that we are not a good match.

His kink seems to be sadistic in that he orgasms from inflicting "sensory extremes" ("SE") on his sub. When I asked him outright if he was a sadist, that was what he labeled the acts he practices. SE and "fun" were words he constantly used to describe what he enjoys doing.

When I asked him if there would be any sexual intercourse involved, his response was, "I will never TAKE anything from you. ... Just as I'll wait for you to give me your lips to kiss, I'll wait until you give me your body in submissive service. Then I'll take it to another level."

Initially, I was concerned about our age difference (24 years separate us) - but Master said not to worry about that. One falls in love with the person, not an age. However, one of the things I really desire is a PYL/pyl I can enjoy, sexually, whether I am PYL or pyl.

If any of this makes sense, please assist me with your thoughts. I will make my own decision, but there are those out here whose sound judgment and reasoning I trust to help me order my thoughts and consider a decision from as many different angles as possible. Thank you in advance,

Esclava

 

[Learn Humility]

Forgive my ignorance, but what is a "PYL"

 

[A Desert Rose]

Forgive my ignorance, but what is a "PYL"

I can respect a Dom who is humble enough to ask for forgiveness... ;-D

 

[Learn Humility]

I can respect a Dom who is humble enough to ask for forgiveness... ;-D

Ouch....

Originally posted by Esclava
His kink seems to be sadistic in that he orgasms from inflicting "sensory extremes" ("SE") on his sub. When I asked him outright if he was a sadist, that was what he labeled the acts he practices. SE and "fun" were words he constantly used to describe what he enjoys doing.

The question I would ask you is "Is the idea of SE one that you would consider enjoyable, and would these practices meet your needs or exceed your limits?"

I would add, however, that I don't believe that a submissive's limits need be negotiated in advance if he or she is with the "right" Dom. So if you are attracted to him physically and/or mentally (assuming that either or both are important to you), then why not give it a try?

If it doesn't work out, you sound like you'd know what to do.

 

[Shadowsdream]

My advice is to never settle for less than what you are looking for. Let your gut instinct guide you to the magic that will make your knees want to bend on their own.

Don't commit yourself to more than you can handle both emotionally and physically while remembering that fear is not necessarily a negative.

A ten year hiatis has likely softened your edges and weakened your tolerance for the more sadistic play. If you don't actually crave it then I would think you also have the responsibility to yourself and the Dominant to recognize that you just might be placing yourself and Him in a position that will ultimately bring you less pleasure and more stress than would be even semi ideal.

Good luck in your re entry...I hope it will be all that you anticipate and desire.

 

[heckle]

Giving advice that concern others dynamics is not an easy task. You know yourself far betetr than we would. You also knwo what your looking for. Are you looking for someone to Dominate you or are you looking for a sadist to give you the pain that you enjoy? There are many questions that only you can answer. It was good that you asked about sex starting off. There are many who cannot seperate sex from BDSM. In some instances they go hand in hand. But they do not have to do so. There can be BDSM without sex just as there can be sex without BDSM. 10 years is a long time to be away from anything. Try to take a look at your options from an outsiders view and see if it is what your looking for. If it is, embrace it. If not, just inform the other party that you are not comfortable or ready to take the next step with them. If they walk away gracefully and understand, that is good. If they get upset, then you made a wise decesion. Whichever way you decide to go with it, good luck to you both.

 

[kitty4ever]

I don't have anything else to add, but I do wish you well in your search. Don't rush yourself. Take your time and go with one who feels like a good fit. If you have questions or doubt, try again to express them to him.

Good luck.

 

[shy slave]

My advice is to never settle for less than what you are looking for. Let your gut instinct guide you to the magic that will make your knees want to bend on their own.

Don't commit yourself to more than you can handle both emotionally and physically while remembering that fear is not necessarily a negative.

A ten year hiatis has likely softened your edges and weakened your tolerance for the more sadistic play. If you don't actually crave it then I would think you also have the responsibility to yourself and the Dominant to recognize that you just might be placing yourself and Him in a position that will ultimately bring you less pleasure and more stress than would be even semi ideal.

Good luck in your re entry...I hope it will be all that you anticipate and desire.

Shadowsdream has summed up anything I would want to say to you, Esclava. Other than you know where we are whatever you decide or however it turns out xxxx

 

[Rugor]

I am new here, but I do want to wish you good luck.

However, I noticed you are already referring to him as Master.

Look within yourself to see if you have already made the decision.

 

[MissTaken]

I am new here, but I do want to wish you good luck.

However, I noticed you are already referring to him as Master.

Look within yourself to see if you have already made the decision.

I noticed the same, Rugor.

And welcome to the forum.



Esclava,

If this man is the One for you, he will help you and understand your apprehension. He will not simply pay you lip service, but follow through with his promises.

Don't be afraid to take your time. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. And I imagine that your DD, will find the wait very worthwhile.

 

[Marquis]

I can respect a Dom who is humble enough to ask for forgiveness... ;-D

What the fuck is a PYL, bitch.

 

[MissTaken]

Forgive my ignorance, but what is a "PYL"

Pick Your Label

or

pick your label.

 

[Betticus]

Those of you who have followed any of my posts during the short time I have been a Litster, know that I am returning to BDSM after a 10 year hiatus when I declared I would never return.

Well, never say never. I had an "informational interview" with a prospective PYL Saturday night. In reviewing the events of the evening, I am not sure how much of the apprehension I am feeling is fear caused by this being the first step back into the water - or due to a feeling that we are not a good match.

His kink seems to be sadistic in that he orgasms from inflicting "sensory extremes" ("SE") on his sub. When I asked him outright if he was a sadist, that was what he labeled the acts he practices. SE and "fun" were words he constantly used to describe what he enjoys doing.

When I asked him if there would be any sexual intercourse involved, his response was, "I will never TAKE anything from you. ... Just as I'll wait for you to give me your lips to kiss, I'll wait until you give me your body in submissive service. Then I'll take it to another level."

Initially, I was concerned about our age difference (24 years separate us) - but Master said not to worry about that. One falls in love with the person, not an age. However, one of the things I really desire is a PYL/pyl I can enjoy, sexually, whether I am PYL or pyl.

If any of this makes sense, please assist me with your thoughts. I will make my own decision, but there are those out here whose sound judgment and reasoning I trust to help me order my thoughts and consider a decision from as many different angles as possible. Thank you in advance,

Esclava

It sounds like you've gotten good advice so far and that you are interested in pursuing this further.

Only one thing that I can think of and it's questionable. You said he could only orgasm from "sensory extreme" or more correctly by inflicting extreme sensory acts upon another. What exactly is his definition of a sensory extreme? For me an extreme would be a caning that many of you would consider to be mediocre.

If he isn't willing to come out and tell you exactly what it is he wants to do to you then I'd be nervous about it.

If you've already had those questions answered to your satisfaction then just ignore this.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

His kink seems to be sadistic in that he orgasms from inflicting "sensory extremes" ("SE") on his sub. When I asked him outright if he was a sadist, that was what he labeled the acts he practices. SE and "fun" were words he constantly used to describe what he enjoys doing.

When I asked him if there would be any sexual intercourse involved, his response was, "I will never TAKE anything from you. ... Just as I'll wait for you to give me your lips to kiss, I'll wait until you give me your body in submissive service. Then I'll take it to another level."

If it were me, this conversation would be a red flag. I can't stand someone who can't come to the point, someone who lays down a bunch of bullshit semantics....

Call a spade a spade.

The man is a sadist. "SE" my ass.

As to the second paragraph, "I'll wait untill you give me your body"?? C'mmmmonnnn. Why can't this guy just answer the friggin' question. Are ya'll going to have sex, or not? It's a simple question. Sheesh.

This conversation would piss me off, royally. As a submissive, in the "informational interview" stage, you have a right to have your questions answered, as fully as possible. You also have a duty to yourself to make sure that you ask the right questions. At least that's how I see it. You asked the right questions, but this twit played dance around the mulberry bush with the answers. I suppose it's up to you to decide what you're going to do with that information.

~anelize

 

[D's mariposa]

Hi Esclava!

Three things. I noticed that you already referred to him as Master. Seems like part of you is already into him.

Second thing. You said "His kink seems to be sadistic in that he orgasms from inflicting "sensory extremes" ("SE") on his sub. And later you said "When I asked him if there would be any sexual intercourse involved, his response was, "I will never TAKE anything from you. ... Just as I'll wait for you to give me your lips to kiss, I'll wait until you give me your body in submissive service. Then I'll take it to another level."

So, my question is this: can he orgasm from lovemaking without the SE? If occasional, non extreme sex is important to you, and he can't function that way, can you deal with it? I know that in my relationship with D, there's always a D/s undercurrent, even when we're indulging in "plain old fucking" (POF) with no sensation play involved. If POF is important to you, and he's not into it, this could be a problem.

Last thing. The age difference need not be an issue, lust/love wise. D is 23 years older than me and we're mushily, disgustingly happy. But, if this becomes a ltr, there are some issues that you may need to face. Specifically, there are going to be health issues and in general, women tend to live longer than men. The hardest conversations I've had with D have not been about POF, or about sensation play. It's been things like "if you keel over and die, what am I supposed to do about your funeral?", "Who do I notify?" and on his end "by the way, I'm getting a life insurance policy so when I die, you can pay for the aforementioned funeral.." Not pleasant things, and all couples have to face them, but it can be scary to face that fact that barring a catastrophic illness or accident, you're going to outlive him.

Anyhoo, didn't mean to depress us all, but you did toss this out for us all to discuss from any angle we could think of.

 

[Esclava]

I thank you ALL for your gracious responses. Every one of them has been helpful in allowing me to see through some of the smoke.

To clarify a few things:
1. The one I referred to as "Master" is my online PYL. He has suggested that I open myself to receive a r/l PYL.

2. The prospective PYL did define SE - it is the use of hands, floggers, whips, canes, and quirts to make direct contact with various parts of the pyl for the pleasure of watching her respond with each impact. All of these items are in his arsenal and he claims to be well-versed in each one's use.

3. I do NOT crave the sadistic. Serving a sadist is what drove me from this lifestyle 10 years ago. But something in the BD or DS - calls to me and I must respond.

4. I am not physically attracted to him. He does not incite me to roll around in my bed touching myself because he is not here.

I have not made my decision. Something else that sat uneasily with me was him saying things like, "I think you need to get my drink for me" - in the restaurant where we had dinner. Or, "I like your hair up. You will wear it that way whenever we are together." Or, I liked it when you waited until I took the first bite of food" - which I didn't even realize I had done... None of them was loud enough to be heard, but just the fact that one would assume submission - instead of accepting respectful treatment - speaks to me of assumptions that he may have in his mind that have no basis in fact. What else might be assumed or taken for granted should I agree to be his pyl?

As you can see, I am still conflicted. I will re-read all the responses with a tablet in hand and create a decision tree based on what I would write as a response in this thread and what you have so kindly provided. I will list my pros on one side, cons on the other and use your input to make me search for concrete answers - from my own mind - to those things I am still unsure about. I will let you know how things progress...or not. Be well, all of you!

Esclava

 

[Esclava]

<snip>
Anyhoo, didn't mean to depress us all, but you did toss this out for us all to discuss from any angle we could think of.

Yes, I did - and I love all of you for considering me worth your time to respond.

Esclava

 

[AngelicAssassin]

• The prospective PYL did define SE
• I do NOT crave the sadistic. Serving a sadist is what drove me from this lifestyle 10 years ago.
• I am not physically attracted to him.
• Something else that sat uneasily with me was him saying things like ...

You still question your choice after listing the above?

 

[fallon2]

If

you read over your own responses toyour thread you will notice that you have answered it and it is "stay away from this guy."

 

[Safphyre]

I agree with AA and fallon ...sounds to me like he is too extreme for you ...at least right now ...if it is what drove you away the first time then do you not have a responsibility to yourself to choose a path with which you desire ...not dread?

 

[Netzach]

what anelize said dovetailing into what Assassin said...

I'm also very wary of people who choose to interpret every sneeze a woman sneezes on her first date as a sign of her submissiveness, when I was actively switching I found that men were eager to interpret how I scratched my nose, sat in my seat, and picked up my fork as "evidence of my submissive nature"

Guess they were totally wrong in lots of ways, I wanted to tell them to shove it then, too...LOL.

 

[graceanne]

LOL I was reading what anelise said about his beating around the bush, and found myself laughing. I totally agree. If a person won't answer you directly, then they're hiding something.
Grace

 

[Betticus]

The prospective PYL did define SE
I do NOT crave the sadistic. Serving a sadist is what drove me from this lifestyle 10 years ago.
I am not physically attracted to him.
Something else that sat uneasily with me was him saying things like ...


Do not let your sub side or desire override your own sense of self preservation.

He assumes too much. His assumption is already raising warning flags for you. Also you are not attracted to him. He does not kindle feelings of trust in you.

I think that you should trust your instincts on this one and stay away from him. If he can't control his impulses in public well enough to set off your alarms imagine what kind of shit he is really into in private when you are helpless?

I'm with AA on this one.

 

[Esclava]

Perhaps I was waiting for...

...the AngelicAssassin to check in with his opinion.

(Thank you, AA - I was almost ready to pm you and ask if you might please check in with your response... )

And I thank the rest of you as well. I really believe I knew in my deepest animal instincts that my decision would be to tell him -
**Thank you for your interest, but I do not feel we are a match. Your style of dominance will not fulfill my needs and I believe I will be asking myself to accept something that is not enticing and will have a negative effect on both of us.**

And just for the record, my online PYL was alarmed at the assumption that I would submit to him with no agreement or even conversation regarding it. His recommendation was to decline the prospective PYL's interest.

All of you have been so tremendously helpful and supportive; I want you to know how very much you are appreciated.

I will let you know how he receives the declination. Take care, all!

Esclava

 

[Guest]