I could use your help

bigmama717

Virgin
Joined
Mar 24, 2003
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I've just posted my first story on the web and I'm really anxious to get feedback. :p I'd really love to hear what you think about it - good and bad points. This is the first fantasy that I wrote for my husband - except that he wasn't my husband yet last year when I wrote it. In fact - we hadn't met yet, and it was actually one way that I thought our first experience together might turn out. Click on the link to read it and please vote and give me any suggestions or comments. Thanks, bigmama717. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=86371
 
Spanking isn't really my "thing" so I can't really evaluate the story's erotic factor. I should warn you, the combination of both second person POV and present tense is going to put off a lot of people. I wouldn't have read it myself if I wasn't trying to give feedback. But that's just a preference of mine. I'm sure your husband loved it! Anyway, I think your writing is fine and I didn't really notice a lot of mechanical errors. Sorry, I know this wasn't much information--hopefully someone else will respond with more.
 
I am a bit of a spanking fan and i loved this story.
I think the fact I am female helps though, because i feel like I am reading my own thoughts,it might be difficault for a man to do that same thing. Also alot of people have an issue with "being told" how they're reacting but i didn't find that a problem at all.


I didn't notice anything terrible in the spelling and grammar aspects of this tale(though I am not goodat picking them up at the best of times anyway*L*)


I liked it, it was realistic and easy to read and the language was good.


A fantastic first attempt :D
 
I just read your story....I'm not into pain of any form and it wasn't my type of read but it was well written and very good for a first attempt. I thought it ended kind of quick(something I have a tendency to do too.)
 
Okay.

I honestly thought that the story was a bit generic, which isn't a bad thing, especially since you wrote it for your hubby-to-be.

When people write in first person present tense towards a character they refer to as "you" it really pulls me out of the story, rather than in. For a fantasy written for a loved one, it's a good technique, I think, but personally, reading it, it's not my bag of chips.

Your writing style was easy, it flowed, which is important. I don't know if you wrote it in one sitting, but it seems that way, which is something I really like in erotic literature and in all literature really. Short, yes, but to the point. Spelling was good except for the word "Lessen" down there at the bottom - I would change it to "Lesson" if I were you. Sometimes misspelled words in the middle of a story are forgiven, but if one of the last words you see is spelled incorrectly it can hurt your vote.

Very nice, keep writing.

Chicklet
 
I hate to sound like an echo, but I agree that the second person pov is probably best used strictly for private stories. It makes it hard for me to focus on the story. On the other hand, I was impressed by how consistent your tense usage was. In general, your grammar was good and the story idea was interesting, but I think you could have added more details to keep things moving. What is it about your characters that made this experience so special to them? What do they like so much about each other?

I hope you keep writing, because I think you have a lot of potential. I really enjoy spankings (and spanking stories!), so I look forward to reading more in the future.

ChemE
 
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