I Could Use Some Constructive Criticism

[Dirty Kitten]

I've written a story that is not yet posted on Lit. I'm trying to make it more... involving/emotional/real... take your pick of words.

Feel free to offer any other comments too

If you have a few minutes (the story is about 1200 words), I'd love some help. The link is below.

Thanks.

And I Died

 

[slyc_willie]

What I saw was pretty good, DirtyKitten. A few minor grammatical errors, but those are easily fixed.

I could sense the narrator's sense of desperation throughout the story, and at the moment, can't really think of a way to make it more emotional. What you have written is an account of an obviously emotional woman who desires more from her lover than she has already received.

My only suggestions would be to make it longer, and put a little more personality in her lover.

 

[MarshAlien]

My sense, when I got to the end of the story, was that she was immature and he was scum. Which was probably not at all what you wanted.

First of all, I assumed that she was the head of the office ("I closed the office and sent everybody home"). And then her lover, who must work for her, shows up half an hour before the office is set to close early for some holiday. They had a fight two months ago, but start talking and bantering as if they were still going out. Which makes her seem very desperate and him very scummy. And then they immediately have sex. And then a year later he walks out on her.

It was all over too quickly. I think that you need to take a good bit longer on the backstory, maybe tell us before she gets to work why she's so upset at the thought of this guy dying. What was the fight about? Something stupid? And what has been happening in their work relationship for the last two months? Working together without any problems? Furtive glances between the two of them? I think exploring these issues would make their making love seem a little more natural and a little less, "huh?" It would also make the end a little less predictable, because as you have it set up now, this seems to be a very one-way love, and I found myself wondering why she never caught on to that earlier.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Two things other than what was said above.

First, please don't post stories here to review linked to outside websites. There is more than enough to review on Lit without including MySpace, SOL and so on.

Second, this is not really a story. This is "Flash Fiction." The problem is, it really doesn't go anywhere. This is about the woman lamenting the end of an affair. So? I just wasn't drawn into the story.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi,

Your little story is really well written and I'm not sure you need to change anything, but it might have pulled me in a bit more with less history and a more immediate and defined conclusion.

My foremost suggestion would be to remove this paragraph:
I didn't know what I would say, although the truth seemed best. Our office flings had turned into a three-year affair, but even so I didn't know how he would respond. Two months ago a fight had severed our relationship and things had been tense between us since..(sic) I'd forgiven him, and myself, but during the turmoil, I had come to the realization that I loved him. As unprepared for the emotion as I was, the knowledge had sent me into a tailspin. Two months had been too long a separation.

Your characters are strong enough I think you can just throw this section away. Without this, readers will have to deduce the nature of the relationship and this should draw them into the story.


Why does he come to her office? It seems far more likely that she'd wait all morning hoping he would appear and then go to his office right at closing- now that would be real, right?

I'm afraid I skimmed the erotic scene- I was more interested in what happened afterward.

The conclusion might have a little more intensity if their separation happens at once- like if they're in his office about to kiss and the phone rings. Her lips keep moving, but he picks it up, listens to the person on the other end, then says something like, "Sorry, Honey- just taking care of a few little things at the office and lost track of time. I'm on my way." To me, that's a more powerful ending.

Take Care,
Penny


Edited to add:

My sense, when I got to the end of the story, was that she was immature and he was scum. Which was probably not at all what you wanted.

I thought that was exactly what was intended!

 

[Dirty Kitten]

Thanks

Thanks for the reviews. I'll do my best to address the issues that have been raised and see what happens.

Jenny, my apologies. I didn't want to post it here until it was finished.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jenny, my apologies. I didn't want to post it here until it was finished.

That's ok DK. If you want a review before something is posted in the future, just PM me here or leave me a message on MySpace and we'll do it.

 

[Penelope Street]

I don't have any issue with writers openly asking for opinions about a work in progress if the intention is to eventually submit the story.

 

[Tribade]

I'm not sure how qualified I am to criticise another writers work. I've only had one story published, one rejected and one pending. slyc willie's comment on punctuation's fair, my first effort was rejected for bad punctuation, and I tend to agree that it could be longer. I P.M'd an author I admire greatly to tell her that I loved her last story but it was too short and I wanted more of it. Marsh Alien described your female character as immature, maybe she was but we've all met grown men and women who are immature. Doesn't seem too bad an effort to me, not necessarily my kind of story, but readable. Check punctuation, maybe lengthen it a little, polish it up and submit and see what happens. You don't loose anything by being rejected you just learn something from it.

 

[Dirty Kitten]

Thanks Again

Jenny, I'll do that. I was going to post the entire thing here on the forum in my first post, but didn't immediately see any other people that had done that. But next time I'll grab ya by pm or myspace msg.

Tribade, thanks. I'm going to check the punctuation. I was never all that good at it so hopefully MS will pick something up.

I really appreciate everyone that took the time to read it and comment. I really missed the mark on what I was going for, so I'm going to take some time and see if I can't rework things a bit.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Jenny, I'll do that. I was going to post the entire thing here on the forum in my first post, but didn't immediately see any other people that had done that. But next time I'll grab ya by pm or myspace msg.

Tribade, thanks. I'm going to check the punctuation. I was never all that good at it so hopefully MS will pick something up.

I really appreciate everyone that took the time to read it and comment. I really missed the mark on what I was going for, so I'm going to take some time and see if I can't rework things a bit.

Let us know when you have reworked it, I for one, would like to see the changes you come up with.