I cheated, and it confirmed all of my worst fears

[CantPretend]

I cheated

I can't continue to pretend to be happy in the relationship I'm in.

 

[thør]

I am going to provide the backstory for how I ended up in this situation. As relationships are never simple, this may get pretty lengthy.

I'm a 23 year old female who has been married for 4 years. I married my husband, who is a year older than me, at a very difficult time in my life when I was obviously very young. I had experienced a traumatic brain injury, was extremely depressed, and was having trouble continuing my education. We had been dating happily for 3 years prior to that, and I truly needed his support in so many ways. He had joined the military right after high school, a decision I respected but was wary of (due to my father's combat-related PTSD). There has always been love between us, even now, but things have drastically changed in the past two years.

I began growing distant from him as I recovered from my depression. In many ways he helped me to overcome it; however, looking back, I realize he inadvertently encouraged many of my bad habits and thoughts. After pushing myself far too hard after my injury, I finally resigned to take a break from school. After a few unsuccessful jobs in retail and restaurants, I was hired as a server assistant in a fine dining restaurant. There I was able to retrain my memory, relearn socialization, and make friends. I was promoted after just one month, and I soon felt as though I had regained independence that I had prided myself in so much before my injury.

Throughout this time period my husband put in long hours. He had deployed before we got married, but we were then lucky enough to have 3 years with him stateside. He thrived professionally while deployed, but when he returned home he quickly made enemies with some of his superiors and has not received any promotions in the past four years. When we were given the chance to move to a new state, we were both excited. However, I began to see very negative changes in his personality. He became very bitter, lazy, and constantly negative - traits I had learned to overcome to beat my depression. I began to feel stressed and depressed at home and I remember looking up the divorce laws in the state we were moving to, but I hoped a change of scenery would improve our relationship.

We bought a house together in our new city, something I still believe to be a good financial decision as it has increased in value as the market has improved. In the past year and a half, I started a new degree and got a job in an even nicer restaurant making enough money to pay for my tuition and contribute to our bills. Through my job, I found the best group of friends I have ever had in my life. After about 8 months in our new home with our new friends, my husband deployed for 6 months. Things were not perfect between us, but we were in a much better place. While he was deployed, I stayed busy going to school full time and working 40 hour weeks. I once again pushed myself, but I have never felt better or more productive. As my husband was returning in February, I was offered a paid internship for this summer in one of the biggest cities in the country with housing and a travel stipend included. This internship opportunity was a dream come true, and after talking it over with my husband, I accepted it.

As I was riding high on my successes, my husband returned from his non-combat deployment as a very different person. I had made a few new friends while he was gone, so I was eager to introduce the most important man in my life who I had talked up so much to them. I drove home and picked him up to come have drinks with us at our local bar. That is when I saw an extremely ugly side to him. As he met new friends and saw some of our old friends from before his deployment, he started talking very poorly about himself and then me. He made fun of the degree I am working so hard to get and implied that it couldn't be that hard so maybe he'll study it after he gets out of the military (2 years from now). He bragged that he spent his deployment working out and playing Xbox - to the same people who had seen me working so hard to better myself during that same time. Embarrassed and feeling shattered, I made up an excuse for us to leave early. I didn't want to fight that night as it has been a very long day, but I explained that he had really hurt me in front of my friends. The next day we had a long discussion about why he would say any of those things. He claimed that he felt socially anxious and agreed to start seeing a counselor.

Now I truly understand the roller coaster of depression and anxiety. I have found that staying busy, making progress, and surrounding myself with positive people has had a profound effect on me. But since he's returned, I realize that he was/is a major contributing factor to my stress and sadness. I have struggled to really be present in school and at work, and the internship that I was so excited for to progress my career now seems like a welcomed escape from a marriage that no longer feels like it's working. My husband has not improved himself. He has no hobbies or ambitions. He doesn't read or listen to new music or want to meet new people. He has completely stagnated. Our sex life has become stale and completely devoid of all passion, so much so that I have even begun to question his sexuality. This is also based on other characteristics that I have noticed recently, and while I am completely accepting of all sexualities, I am not willing to be married to a gay or even bisexual man. He has seen a counselor who initially recommended seeing a psychiatrist for medication. He is not open to this idea, and claims that he is making a lot of progress with just the counselor. I know it takes time, but I have not seen any progress. He even mentioned the other day that he didn't know what he did wrong when meeting my friends at the bar. I have asked him for marriage counseling, but he is not willing to do that until I return from my internship. I want to be there for him the way he was there for me, but I am feeling weaker and weaker each day. I feel like he is just prolonging the inevitable.

Now, with all of that said, one of the good friends I have made here in my new state, we'll call him John, has always playfully flirted with me at work. He has never crossed any lines and has even been very protective of me when we would go out as a group. He is extremely good looking and charming and has a reputation for dating some of our coworkers and knows too many bartenders' names around town. I have always found it easy to be friends with guys and I have even been his "wingman" on many occasions. Because of his attractiveness and reputation, my husband always had a small issue with me being friends with him.

Since the night when my husband made fun of me, I have gone back to hanging out with my friends without him. Last night I texted him to let him know that where I would be and to not wait up for me, and he texted back a brief but upsetting message. I have bottled up these feelings for some time now, and I hit my breaking point last night. I had far too much to drink, and my friends thankfully stepped in to take care of me. I cried on a few of my girlfriends' shoulders and one of them offered to let me sleep at her apartment a block away from the bar. My friends, including John, all went to the apartment and tucked me in on the couch. My head was spinning, so I closed my eyes to try to sleep. That's when I overheard John and my best girl friend talking. Apparently, I am not as good at hiding my relationship issues as I had thought. She had noticed a lot of tension between my husband and me when we had her over for dinner a week ago. Of course I kept in mind that he could have known I was listening, but he told her all the feelings that he had for me and pointed out the differences in me since my husband had returned home. My chest was aching as I held back even more tears and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up very early as my friend was leaving her apartment to go to her second job. She told me that John had stayed over to make sure I get back to my car and that he was still asleep in the other room. Feeling very hungover, I went to the bathroom, wiped my tear-stained eyes, and got a glass of water. I could have returned to the couch I had been sleeping on, but instead I laid down next to John. I apologized for ruining the night, and he reached out and hugged me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I cuddled into him. He had been sleeping in his boxers, but I was fully clothed and we just held each other for a long time. I initiated every single step, starting with small kisses on his arm which turned into small kisses on the mouth. I took off my jacket, and we traced each other's bodies with our fingertips. I took off the rest of my clothes, and we touched and kissed each other in intimate places. Over about 2 and a half hours, we only said a few things. I said that I hated that he was leaving (around the same time I'll be leaving for the summer), and he said, "You know we'll see each other again." I told him that I can't just be another girl, and he said, "You're not." As we laid there holding each other, I admitted that I had thought about this moment many times, and he laughed and said, "Not as much as I have." I felt so right and warm and happy in his arms, and I realized what I have been missing for so long. I hate to admit it, but I tried to take it further, all the way really. He stopped me and said that we should wait. When I asked him "For what?" he couldn't answer and looked away. But he was right, and he made an extremely respectful decision to stop me. Because if there really is something in-between us, it shouldn't happen like that.

And so I'm left with the hardest decision I could ever make. Do I leave the man I made vows to, the man who took care of me at my lowest point? I have built my life around him, but I have also been let down so many times. And at the end of the day, whether I want a relationship with John or not, I can't continue to pretend to be happy in the relationship I'm in.

okay.

 

[Disgustipated]

okay.

You are a great American!

 

[RoryN]

I am going to provide the backstory

...aaaaand you lost my interest right here.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

okay.

Al of that copy shit to answer OKAY?
Well okay!

Actually I got lost at the beginning of the cheating part. I feel so cheated.

 

[pointless]

You asked me to dinner
You brought me stuff
Now what do I make of that
You made me an offer
I called your bluff
Now you're an amnesiac

Driving with one hand on the wheel
Ordering luck with every meal
Feeding on hope again never mind how
Small a portion

I said like we do
Like we'd like to think
I'll take care of myself
And who would've thought that
Initial drink
Would clear an entire shelf

Driving with one hand on the wheel
Ordering luck with every meal
Feeding on hope again never mind how
Small a portion

You should look at it realistically
I know you couldn't be in love with me

You sat there as dumb
As a dog or cat
Just hoping it's for the best
As if anything ever
Comes from that
Except an appalling mess

Driving with one hand on the wheel
Ordering luck with every meal
Feeding on hope again never mind how
Small a portion

Now you didn't bank
On the alchemy
That flattery turns to love
But you took that obstructions
Will always be
The danger of falling off

Driving with one hand on the wheel
Not knowing how or what to feel
You only knew that it was enough to be
Feeling something

 

[Colonel Hogan]

I am going to provide the backstory for how I ended up in this situation. As relationships are never simple, this may get pretty lengthy.

I'm a 23 year old female who has been married for 4 years. I married my husband, who is a year older than me, at a very difficult time in my life when I was obviously very young. I had experienced a traumatic brain injury, was extremely depressed, and was having trouble continuing my education. We had been dating happily for 3 years prior to that, and I truly needed his support in so many ways. He had joined the military right after high school, a decision I respected but was wary of (due to my father's combat-related PTSD). There has always been love between us, even now, but things have drastically changed in the past two years.

I began growing distant from him as I recovered from my depression. In many ways he helped me to overcome it; however, looking back, I realize he inadvertently encouraged many of my bad habits and thoughts. After pushing myself far too hard after my injury, I finally resigned to take a break from school. After a few unsuccessful jobs in retail and restaurants, I was hired as a server assistant in a fine dining restaurant. There I was able to retrain my memory, relearn socialization, and make friends. I was promoted after just one month, and I soon felt as though I had regained independence that I had prided myself in so much before my injury.

Throughout this time period my husband put in long hours. He had deployed before we got married, but we were then lucky enough to have 3 years with him stateside. He thrived professionally while deployed, but when he returned home he quickly made enemies with some of his superiors and has not received any promotions in the past four years. When we were given the chance to move to a new state, we were both excited. However, I began to see very negative changes in his personality. He became very bitter, lazy, and constantly negative - traits I had learned to overcome to beat my depression. I began to feel stressed and depressed at home and I remember looking up the divorce laws in the state we were moving to, but I hoped a change of scenery would improve our relationship.

We bought a house together in our new city, something I still believe to be a good financial decision as it has increased in value as the market has improved. In the past year and a half, I started a new degree and got a job in an even nicer restaurant making enough money to pay for my tuition and contribute to our bills. Through my job, I found the best group of friends I have ever had in my life. After about 8 months in our new home with our new friends, my husband deployed for 6 months. Things were not perfect between us, but we were in a much better place. While he was deployed, I stayed busy going to school full time and working 40 hour weeks. I once again pushed myself, but I have never felt better or more productive. As my husband was returning in February, I was offered a paid internship for this summer in one of the biggest cities in the country with housing and a travel stipend included. This internship opportunity was a dream come true, and after talking it over with my husband, I accepted it.

As I was riding high on my successes, my husband returned from his non-combat deployment as a very different person. I had made a few new friends while he was gone, so I was eager to introduce the most important man in my life who I had talked up so much to them. I drove home and picked him up to come have drinks with us at our local bar. That is when I saw an extremely ugly side to him. As he met new friends and saw some of our old friends from before his deployment, he started talking very poorly about himself and then me. He made fun of the degree I am working so hard to get and implied that it couldn't be that hard so maybe he'll study it after he gets out of the military (2 years from now). He bragged that he spent his deployment working out and playing Xbox - to the same people who had seen me working so hard to better myself during that same time. Embarrassed and feeling shattered, I made up an excuse for us to leave early. I didn't want to fight that night as it has been a very long day, but I explained that he had really hurt me in front of my friends. The next day we had a long discussion about why he would say any of those things. He claimed that he felt socially anxious and agreed to start seeing a counselor.

Now I truly understand the roller coaster of depression and anxiety. I have found that staying busy, making progress, and surrounding myself with positive people has had a profound effect on me. But since he's returned, I realize that he was/is a major contributing factor to my stress and sadness. I have struggled to really be present in school and at work, and the internship that I was so excited for to progress my career now seems like a welcomed escape from a marriage that no longer feels like it's working. My husband has not improved himself. He has no hobbies or ambitions. He doesn't read or listen to new music or want to meet new people. He has completely stagnated. Our sex life has become stale and completely devoid of all passion, so much so that I have even begun to question his sexuality. This is also based on other characteristics that I have noticed recently, and while I am completely accepting of all sexualities, I am not willing to be married to a gay or even bisexual man. He has seen a counselor who initially recommended seeing a psychiatrist for medication. He is not open to this idea, and claims that he is making a lot of progress with just the counselor. I know it takes time, but I have not seen any progress. He even mentioned the other day that he didn't know what he did wrong when meeting my friends at the bar. I have asked him for marriage counseling, but he is not willing to do that until I return from my internship. I want to be there for him the way he was there for me, but I am feeling weaker and weaker each day. I feel like he is just prolonging the inevitable.

Now, with all of that said, one of the good friends I have made here in my new state, we'll call him John, has always playfully flirted with me at work. He has never crossed any lines and has even been very protective of me when we would go out as a group. He is extremely good looking and charming and has a reputation for dating some of our coworkers and knows too many bartenders' names around town. I have always found it easy to be friends with guys and I have even been his "wingman" on many occasions. Because of his attractiveness and reputation, my husband always had a small issue with me being friends with him.

Since the night when my husband made fun of me, I have gone back to hanging out with my friends without him. Last night I texted him to let him know that where I would be and to not wait up for me, and he texted back a brief but upsetting message. I have bottled up these feelings for some time now, and I hit my breaking point last night. I had far too much to drink, and my friends thankfully stepped in to take care of me. I cried on a few of my girlfriends' shoulders and one of them offered to let me sleep at her apartment a block away from the bar. My friends, including John, all went to the apartment and tucked me in on the couch. My head was spinning, so I closed my eyes to try to sleep. That's when I overheard John and my best girl friend talking. Apparently, I am not as good at hiding my relationship issues as I had thought. She had noticed a lot of tension between my husband and me when we had her over for dinner a week ago. Of course I kept in mind that he could have known I was listening, but he told her all the feelings that he had for me and pointed out the differences in me since my husband had returned home. My chest was aching as I held back even more tears and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up very early as my friend was leaving her apartment to go to her second job. She told me that John had stayed over to make sure I get back to my car and that he was still asleep in the other room. Feeling very hungover, I went to the bathroom, wiped my tear-stained eyes, and got a glass of water. I could have returned to the couch I had been sleeping on, but instead I laid down next to John. I apologized for ruining the night, and he reached out and hugged me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I cuddled into him. He had been sleeping in his boxers, but I was fully clothed and we just held each other for a long time. I initiated every single step, starting with small kisses on his arm which turned into small kisses on the mouth. I took off my jacket, and we traced each other's bodies with our fingertips. I took off the rest of my clothes, and we touched and kissed each other in intimate places. Over about 2 and a half hours, we only said a few things. I said that I hated that he was leaving (around the same time I'll be leaving for the summer), and he said, "You know we'll see each other again." I told him that I can't just be another girl, and he said, "You're not." As we laid there holding each other, I admitted that I had thought about this moment many times, and he laughed and said, "Not as much as I have." I felt so right and warm and happy in his arms, and I realized what I have been missing for so long. I hate to admit it, but I tried to take it further, all the way really. He stopped me and said that we should wait. When I asked him "For what?" he couldn't answer and looked away. But he was right, and he made an extremely respectful decision to stop me. Because if there really is something in-between us, it shouldn't happen like that.

And so I'm left with the hardest decision I could ever make. Do I leave the man I made vows to, the man who took care of me at my lowest point? I have built my life around him, but I have also been let down so many times. And at the end of the day, whether I want a relationship with John or not, I can't continue to pretend to be happy in the relationship I'm in.

I have a far easier question for you. Why does my opinion matter? Not to mention all the other half-baked suggestions you'll get here.

 

[thør]

You are a great American!

I did not want to loose this jewel.

 

[thør]

I have a far easier question for you. Why does my opinion matter? Not to mention all the other half-baked suggestions you'll get here.

Hey....

How do you know that the GB won't provide assistance to this person?

Just cite one link where proper assistance wasn't provided!

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

I have a far easier question for you. Why does my opinion matter? Not to mention all the other half-baked suggestions you'll get here.

I don't always give a fuck but when I do I really fuck up

 

[GimpyIntellect]

Stories about infidelity always make my cock ROCK HARD.

This one didn't.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Stories about infidelity always make my cock ROCK HARD.

This one didn't.

The words were too close together.

 

[removed9556]

 

[RoryN]

In case you were wondering, but didn't want to read the whole thing:

I took off the rest of my clothes, and we touched and kissed each other in intimate places.

That's the only racy part.

This should be a bannable offense.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

In case you were wondering, but didn't want to read the whole thing:



That's the only racy part. "Originally Posted by CantPretend View Post
I took off the rest of my clothes, and we touched and kissed each other in intimate places."

This should be a bannable offense.

I'm embarrassed. I've never seen such filth on the Lit.

Our most intimate place was behind the Shell station.

 

[Que]

In case you were wondering, but didn't want to read the whole thing:



That's the only racy part.

This should be a bannable offense.

Thanks, it was tl;dr.

. . . Which is saying something, coming from me.

 

[jomar]

pffft

 

[Noor]

Sounds like something happened to your husband during one of his deployments. It also sounds like when you needed him, he was there now that you don't need him and he apparently needs you, you are opting out. This is of course your choice.

He sounds depressed, and non sexual, not gay or bi sexual.

 

[Noor]

Out of the frying pan and into the fire?

"Of course I kept in mind that he could have known I was listening, but he told her all the feelings that he had for me and pointed out the differences in me since my husband had returned home" this sounds like classic manipulation.

 

[Debbie]

Sort yourself out before you leap into another relationship.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

CantPretend I went back and read your story. I feel for you, your husband, and for John. As for John, you are lucky he is a kind and loving man.
Still it is your husband I worry about and am concerned. I was not in the service but know of many who came home a changed person. Your husband needs you yet it appears your really have done everything you can to get him help.

It's a sad story and one that needs to be told someplace else rather than here.
My main suggestion is take it slow with John. If he is Mr Right he will wait. Jumping into another situation is never a good thing.

Good luck.

 

[FGB]

Leaving your hubby's problems aside for a second, it is not unusual for a woman about your age to have a complete change of heart in the type of man she wants. It happen to my first wife and happens to thousands, I'd guess, every year.

You are the only one who can decide what you want and all of you have to live with the results. That is life and love...the biggest gamble and the highest stakes around. One thing I have found out is that being able to sleep well at night is worth some hardship and a ton of money.

Good Luck.

 

[Adjudicator]

I can't continue to pretend to be happy in the relationship I'm in.

End the relationship you're in before beginning a new one. Don't be a user.

 

[warrior queen]

There is no excuse for cheating, ever.
You are an adult.
Be upfront and honest with your husband, whatever it takes.
The time for playing around and keeping secrets has gone - the moment you said 'I do' was the moment you grew up.
Act like it.

 

[Debbie]

I can't continue to pretend to be happy in the relationship I'm in.

When this sort of thing happens people either make excuses for their behaviour BUT if you can take one piece if advice from posting here please let it be that if you were unhappy you could have ended your relationship with hubby and gone to relationship counselling yourself or have had a talk with him and communicate how you were/are feeling.

This sort of thing always ends badly and people get hurt when the braver, kinder approach of being honest with everybody involved might have prevented some heartache.

I really think you need to look yourself in the mirror and be honest with yourself and take some time out and work on personal growth and sorting out your problems.