Husband Won't Go Down on Me

[coralrose]

Hello all, I've enjoyed reading your messages. I have a need for advice on my marriage from an outside party.

My husband refuses to go down on me. Yes, I'm clean. I have even tasted myself in front of him, but he freaked out. He shivers whenever I bring the topic up. I, however, give him blowjobs constantly.

I finally said, look, no more sex, it's not fair. It's been MONTHS now. I am seriously thinking of having an affair.

Why am I so desperate for oral sex? One, I've never experienced it; two, I've never had an orgasm with a man; three, the only way that I orgasm by myself is by imagining a man is going down on me.

Help, help, help!!

 

[MunchinMark]

Some men have a problem with giving oral sex. They don't think that it's wrong or anything but maybe they feel it's a bit "icky". It sounds like this is the case with your husband. Patience and persistance are what you need. Although maybe your husband will never come around to it.

Think about it as being the male equivalent to the spit or swallow question. Perhaps the best way to persuade him is to suggest that doing this will make you very happy indeed, and what goes around comes around. The most reliable way ( nothing is 100%) to female orgasm is cunnilingus, and most men nowadays take more pride in their ability to give pleasure than anything else, so you could work on his ego...

 

[StevenWill]

Ain't life strange. You marry a guy who doesn't like giving oral sex in a world full of men like me who would get on their knees and beg for a taste of that incredible sweet wetness. I think people need to talk about these things before they get married. I would never marry a woman who would not let me give her oral sex--it's just too big a part of who I am sexually.

That being said, it is not fair to ask people to do things that they don't want to do. This is going to take some talk outside the bedroom, followed by some desensitization. It may seem clinical, but you might start by having him wash your genitals and then just kiss you there, or kiss and lick your thighs.

From his reaction, he is not going to listen to a rational argument on your part, feel a light bulb go and and leap between your legs. It may take a long time, but if you are willing it can be done. Otherwise, resign yourslef to a life without oral sex. If you play games like withholding oral sex from him until he comes around, you will just build tension and resentment and your will have emotional distance between you instead of intimacy.

Dr. Steve

 

[Xander]

There is truth is what has been said here.
However I dont think I can give you any advise here.

I will however say this. Any man who is willing to recieve a blowjob, but not go down on a girl, is a damn wuss in my book.

 

[LAVA GODDESSS]

Aw,.,

Have you tried maybe ...well.....did you know that the fruits you eat affect the way your juices down there taste?

Eat a whole can of pineapple...well at least when I do...I taste like pineapple.

I just KNEW Xander would post...

But, back to you...he would like the taste maybe ....or consider it? if you used whipped cream...etc....

just a tip.

 

[genderbender]

I did a search on your name when I noticed in the members file that you were from Minnesota. I had no idea what you'd posted until I found this thread. You don't say how old you are but I wonder whether we're just talking about an inexperienced guy with a few hangups. I grew up in Minnesota and know there are plenty of those hanging around that rather uptight state.

I also wonder at your decision to cut off sex because he won't do something that for whatever reason is difficult for him. Have you told him you're not having orgasms when you have sex with him? Perhaps you can enlist him in making sex more pleasurable for you, trying some new things, even if initially they don't include his going down on you. And regarding blowjobs. Do you enjoy giving them? If you do, I'd say keep it up.

Withholding sex is never a good way to communicate with your partner, unless there's a damn good reason for not being sexual. I'm not saying you need to be available on demand. Saying no when the mood doesn't strike you as right is fine for both of you. It is far better to share with one another openly about your sexual experiences.

Finally, I've always enjoyed oral sex with my partner. My former wife tolerated it, but wasn't all that excited to have me go down on her. It's definitely different strokes for different folks. She didn't like anal sex either, something that has given me great pleasure with the right partner.

Stay open and good luck.

 

[coralrose]

Still bummed...

You got it... it's that uptight Minnesota breeding... LOL.

His problem has nothing to do with me, really. I've shown him how good I taste. He has always been like this.

I love giving oral and am one of few women (in Minnesota) who actually swallow. I've been very specific about what I've found I need to become aroused, but he says he doesn't have time for foreplay and he won't touch me below the neck with anything other than his penis.

I took the advice on not withholding sex, and initiated it with him, but he says that he just wants blowjobs. What the hell??

 

[StevenWill]

pick your poison

Therapy or divorce, pick your poison. How did you not see this coming before the wedding? I am truly sorry. This is not about oral sex; it's about his willingness to be a partner--open, vulnerable, expressive, etc.

 

[MunchinMark]

No Sympathy for the Man

He's just being selfish now, and I hope that you realise that.

 

[DriveSouth]

Hey Rose ...

does he have any interest in submission? Being tied up? tie him up and sit on his face - maybe that's you answer.

 

[Guest 1977]

Re: Still bummed...

You got it... it's that uptight Minnesota breeding... LOL.

His problem has nothing to do with me, really. I've shown him how good I taste. He has always been like this.

I love giving oral and am one of few women (in Minnesota) who actually swallow. I've been very specific about what I've found I need to become aroused, but he says he doesn't have time for foreplay and he won't touch me below the neck with anything other than his penis.

I took the advice on not withholding sex, and initiated it with him, but he says that he just wants blowjobs. What the hell??

No offense intended, milady. However, he sounds rather selfish to me. He doesn't have time for foreplay?? Then he'd better well make time. Contrary to what he may believe, when you're in a solid relationship, sexual intercourse is NOT about getting yourself off. It's about the act of intimacy, of giving pleasure to the person you love. If all he wants is to get off, then he should've remained single and be a regular visitor to a brothel. When he made his vows, he made the promise to love and respect you, with his actions he's showing the exact opposite.

The only advice I can offer you, is to ask you what you desire in your life. Whether the good things in your marriage outweigh the bad things, like his selfishness in the sack. If you find that the bad outweighs the good, then get out of the relationship asap. There are plenty of guys out there, who will be considerate of your needs and give you the love and respect you deserve as a person.

 

[doctor_insanus]

Truly unbelievable.

I can't tell you anything that hasn't already been posted, but I can add my two cents.

The man just seems to think of you as some hole he can go to work on whenever the mood hits him. I just can't imagine being in love with someone, and not doing everything in my power to make them feel good. That includes jumping through flaming hoops!

Your needs are being tragically ignored here. I agree with StevenWill on this one: therapy or divorce. This isn't just about oral sex; it's about a complete lack of fulfillment on your part.

 

[coralrose]

That is exactly how I feel... that this translates into more than just sex. I didn't realize it at first when I began posting, but after thinking about it, the real issue is his disregard for me.

Just FYI... I brought it up to him last night. In short, in order of importance to him, I came in fifth, after his MOTHER!!!

Am I overreacting here?

 

[doctor_insanus]

Just FYI... I brought it up to him last night. In short, in order of importance to him, I came in fifth, after his MOTHER!!!

Am I overreacting here?

I think you already know the answer to this.

I love my mother. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for her. But the day I marry a woman, she becomes the most important person in my life. Until I have children, this isn't going to change.

Fifth place for the woman you love? There isn't even a consolation prize for that!

[Edited by doctor_insanus on 03-12-2001 at 10:34 AM]

 

[Guest 1977]

That is exactly how I feel... that this translates into more than just sex. I didn't realize it at first when I began posting, but after thinking about it, the real issue is his disregard for me.

Just FYI... I brought it up to him last night. In short, in order of importance to him, I came in fifth, after his MOTHER!!!

Am I overreacting here?

Nope. Not overreacting at all. Can't say it any better than the good doc has done already. You've got a serious schmuck on your hands here. Imo, anyway.

 

[AusTess]

Re: Still bummed...

he won't touch me below the neck with anything other than his penis.



oh my god.
Are you serious?
And you are complaining cos of lack of oral?
What about the rest of it?
The sucking of nipples,the licking of an inner thigh,a hand trailed down your breast and across your rib cage.God,i could go on for hours.
You are missing SO much more than oral sex.
My opinion?
Have an affair.
Anyone as selfish and repressed as he deserves it.

 

[doctor_insanus]

Re: Re: Still bummed...

he won't touch me below the neck with anything other than his penis.

My opinion?
Have an affair.
Anyone as selfish and repressed as he deserves it.

This is where it gets kind of messy.

I agree with the spirit of this response - you certainly have every right to! In fact, after thinking about it, I wonder if your husband might not already be "seeing" someone else. I just want to go on record as saying I don't know your exact situation, but I think it's certainly possible.

Whether or not you do have an affair is something you'll have to consider VERY carefully. If there's any hope of saving your marriage, you might want to hold off. On the other hand, you have been neglected terribly, and that's reason enough.

Bottom line? You're justified in whatever action you take.

 

[Tawny T]

Get one of his buddies to come over, and have his buddy show your husband how much fun it can be!

Once he sees how much fun you and his buddy had doing it, how can he resist?

Men see, Men do!

 

[ericred50]

Now it is just my luck, I love giving pleasure, licking, sucking, flicking my tongue over a colit. My wife can not stand it, so I have a lover who understands, and adores oral sex. I can just imagine giving Tawny, an erotic sensation, the type that she writes about so well.

 

[Guest]

My advice.... To the curb

Ok... I can understand the whole "oral" part... because some guys are just that way. But no foreplay? I couldn't stand having sex with no foreplay....

The guy has some issues.... and if he only wants oral... maybe he isn't attracted to women.... or the other wonderful 'could be' explanation is that he is seeing someone else...

I don't know many guys who can't go a week without sex.... so I would definately say something is wrong there....


Ask him what his deal is... and if the explanation just isn't good enough... or he still doesn't appreciate you... find someone who will.

 

[Mystical Michael]

No man should demand that which he is unprepared to offer from himself. You deserve foreplay, you deserve cunnilingus, you deserve orgasms for crikey sakes!

Speaking for myself, I much prefer the feeling of a freshly orgasmed love tunnel wrapped around my member any time. You can cum first and you can cum often, just please cum.

 

[coralrose]

Thanks to all

Your responses have made me feel empowered. I may not be getting what I need now, but damn it, I'm not going to just sit around and wait for it!

I came right out and said that we BOTH need to try new things (so he didn't feel attacked) and why don't we get a video/read some stuff/play around together.

His answer? "That stuff is sick."

My retort? "Work with me or I'm going to have to look elsewhere."

His reply? "Fine."

So, permission has been granted.

 

[doctor_insanus]

Re: Thanks to all

Your responses have made me feel empowered. I may not be getting what I need now, but damn it, I'm not going to just sit around and wait for it!

I came right out and said that we BOTH need to try new things (so he didn't feel attacked) and why don't we get a video/read some stuff/play around together.

His answer? "That stuff is sick."

My retort? "Work with me or I'm going to have to look elsewhere."

His reply? "Fine."

So, permission has been granted.

Jesus Christ.

I'm having trouble understanding this man. It sounds like you've bent over backwards (perhaps literally) to please him, and for nothing in return. If he truly realized what he had, he would be kissing your feet... or any other part of you that might come to mind.

Well, it looks like you're gonna have to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. I only have one warning: I grew up in what some would consider "redneck country." In my experience, there are some guys who don't really care what happens to the woman they "love" until another man makes a move on her. I don't know much about your husband, but I would definitely watch him.

Aside from not really liking the guy, I don't really trust him either!

Other than that, have fun! You've certainly earned the right!

 

[andrew_99]

??

oh my god... this guy missed one hell of an opportunity... "try new stuff"... wow...

you are like the perfect woman, do stuff to please a man, and what you want in return is just as good to give....

 

[coralrose]

*blush*

I'm NOT the perfect woman... but I do love pleasing a man. There are so many parts to please! I'm so excited to have an opportunity to really explore a man's body now. I don't think I've touched one for longer than five minutes (except for backrubs).

Thanks for the advice, dearest Dr. I am not the bar-going type, so I don't know how I'm going to find my "muse". Advice?