"Hurrying"

[EducatedOwl]

I started to notice a progression throughout my first few erotic poems. The first one, "His", was a very graphic depiction of a particular flavor of sex. I liked the wordplay of it, but I felt in hindsight like I could do so much more with a poem. The second one, "Magic", still my favorite, focuses on the situation out of which the sexual episode arises and describes the sex only in brief, fleeting images. The next two, "Pajamas" and "Dinner and Foreplay", focus mostly on the situation and pay only a moment's attention to the implication that sex is coming.

It seems that the best part of my sex poems isn't the sex, but rather the situation that creates the sexual desire. With that in mind, I set out to write a sex poem that was all about the situation and the desire and had no sex, even implied sex, in it at all. It seemed like the next natural step.

http://www.literotica.com/p/hurrying

 

[twelveoone]

Do you work in advertising?
You are very good at promotion.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Enough with the snide remarks. It's a legitimate statement. Come on Mr. Mushroom, let's go.

 

[EducatedOwl]

Do you work in advertising?
You are very good at promotion.

I guess, since I just started doing this, that I want all the feedback I can get.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Think you could lose a couple of 'ings' as in

The feeling of you
As you roll to reach the alarm clock

and

As you're pinning up your hair
Still naked from the shower

does the top have to be 'professional looking' ? Not sure if it adds anything although I suppose it does tell she's off to work but you state that anyway further on

really like the last three lines

 

[EducatedOwl]

Think you could lose a couple of 'ings' as in

The feeling of you
As you roll to reach the alarm clock

and

As you're pinning up your hair
Still naked from the shower

I like this a lot. I'll keep this in mind the next time I write something.

does the top have to be 'professional looking' ? Not sure if it adds anything although I suppose it does tell she's off to work but you state that anyway further on

Since the poem is in part about finding sexiness in routine, everyday things, I wanted to make sure the line didn't sound like it was about putting on something sexy or revealing. I guess I could have picked a less verbose description, though.

I think in general that verbosity is one of the biggest weaknesses of my free verse.

really like the last three lines

Thanks.

 

[Angeline]

I read all your poems just now and I agree that Magic is the best-realized one. The reason I think it is the best is because it relies more heavily on image to tell its story and less on telling or explaining what happened. I don't think you are verbose, but that you need to avoid description and focus more on using image and metaphor to get the meaning across.

I hope that is helpful. I think you have a wonderful fluid way of writing but you need to explain less.

 

[twelveoone]

I guess, since I just started doing this, that I want all the feedback I can get.

so excuse the snideness
but, so does everybody else, so working the trenches may be...
A few primordial questions directed by you towards your work.
What is the reason for this poem?
What does it do? What do you want it to do?
How is it different?
What is the target audience and what are the possible reactions?

Obviously the target audience is not me. They are not different. It looks like NLP poetry.

 

[Angeline]

so excuse the snideness
but, so does everybody else, so working the trenches may be...
A few primordial questions directed by you towards your work.
What is the reason for this poem?
What does it do? What do you want it to do?
How is it different?
What is the target audience and what are the possible reactions?

Obviously the target audience is not me. They are not different. It looks like NLP poetry.

Asking for feedback is not "working the trenches." This is not a war zone, much as you might want it to be. New people come here and they ask for help, not to be attacked by someone with a deep need for attention and a propensity to confuse people. When are you ever going to catch a clue on this? Never?

You should go back and read YDD's comments again and again. They were to the point and honest, but never unkind. Your responses are nothing like hers. This warlike outlook you display is losing you people left and right. Surely you have noticed that. If not let me tell you: you are. I would recommend that new poets not respond to you, because if they connect with you, you will inevitably become self-aggrandizing or hostile or both. I've been watching this pattern happen for a long time now and if you really want to do the forum a favor you will either learn to recognize that this is not the OK Corral or find another forum better suited to your purposes.

And don't bother arguing with me about this because I'm tired of it, I would rather write poems and I am fully capable of finding my own resources online and off.

 

[EducatedOwl]

so excuse the snideness
but, so does everybody else, so working the trenches may be...

Snideness excused -- I have come to expect it in my short time here. I am still unfamiliar with the customs around here; have I breached protocol in some way? What do you mean when you say I am "working the trenches"?

A few primordial questions directed by you towards your work.
What is the reason for this poem?

Why does a poem need a reason?

What does it do? What do you want it to do?

What it does is tell a story. What I want it to do is tell a story some people relate to.

How is it different?

Different from what?

What is the target audience and what are the possible reactions?

The target audience is people like the characters in the poem, I suppose: people old enough to have professional life get in the way of their sex lives and young enough to be frustrated about it.

Obviously the target audience is not me.

If you say so. I don't know you, so I don't know.

They are not different.

Who or what is "they"?

It looks like NLP poetry.

I'm unfamiliar with this term.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Snideness excused -- I have come to expect it in my short time here. I am still unfamiliar with the customs around here; have I breached protocol in some way? What do you mean when you say I am "working the trenches"?


Why does a poem need a reason?

What it does is tell a story. What I want it to do is tell a story some people relate to.

Different from what?

The target audience is people like the characters in the poem, I suppose: people old enough to have professional life get in the way of their sex lives and young enough to be frustrated about it.

If you say so. I don't know you, so I don't know.

Who or what is "they"?

I'm unfamiliar with this term.

I hate absolutely HATE that you should feel the need to say you have come to expect snideness from any member here. It reflects so badly on the forum that I love and even if only one person is responsible it shames all of us that we have allowed it to happen and keep on happening.

 

[EducatedOwl]

I hate absolutely HATE that you should feel the need to say you have come to expect snideness from any member here. It reflects so badly on the forum that I love and even if only one person is responsible it shames all of us that we have allowed it to happen and keep on happening.

I've spent enough time on internet forums that a little snideness doesn't bother me. In fact, I might go so far as to say a little sprinkle of it is a necessary element of an interesting forum. I do, however, kind of wish he'd explain more clearly why he feels snideness is called for in this particular case.