Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

Choice of Nationality

ANGLO SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the
missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex..
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat
ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is
ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two
sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's
boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the
rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a
home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.

ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the
goats.
No third date!


CONCLUSION:
'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH?

 

[drteetho]

A friend at work came up with this - she said one day, "Man, am I exhaustipated."

"Exhaustipated?" asked I. "What does that mean?"

"I'm too tired to give a shit."

 

[Handley_Page]

I don't understand why people want a sandwich after sex.

I just want my money back.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Choice of Nationality

ANGLO SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the
missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex..
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat
ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is
ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two
sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's
boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the
rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a
home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.

ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the
goats.
No third date!


CONCLUSION:
'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH?

Yes, indeed, HP, but what about that old English ditty...?

Monday night, me 'and was on 'er ankle;
Tuesday night, me 'and was on 'er knee.
Wednesday night, success'
I lifted up 'er dress;
Thursday night I lifted up 'er silk chemise.
Friday night I got me 'and upon it;
Saturday I gave it just a tweak.
Sunday after supper,
I finally got it up 'er,
and now I'm paying child support each wek.

 

[disableddan]

Got this one in my e-mail awhile back

An 85 year old woman got pulled over in Texas recently, for zipping along at 95mph in a 70mph zone. When the state trooper walked up to ask her what her hurry was, he noticed that she was wearing a shoulder holster with a Colt .45 ACP He asked her if she had any more guns in the car.

She replied that, in fact, she had a .44 magnum in the glove box, a .40 Glock under the seat, and 2 rifles and a shotgun in the trunk.

"Good Lord, Ma'am, what are you afraid of?"


She smiled sweetly and replied "Not a fuckin' thing.... have a nice day, officer."

 

[Handley_Page]

How's the wife, Fred," said Bill.
"Looks worse today. It's probably down to a thing my optician suggested; cleaning my glasses," cam the reply.

 

[Handley_Page]

You may not like guns.
That is your right.

You may not believe in God
That is your choice.

But:
if some violent gun-toting person breaks into your home, the first two things you will probably do are:

Call someone who has a gun:
Pray they get there in time.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Common tools and their uses:


SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.


BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXY ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Very effective for digit removal !!


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used , as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

[Worker11811]

SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

Damn! I cut that board three times and it's still too short!

 

[ga400us]

You may not like guns.
That is your right.

You may not believe in God
That is your choice.

But:
if some violent gun-toting person breaks into your home, the first two things you will probably do are:

Call someone who has a gun:
Pray they get there in time.

Amen to that!

 

[desertslave]

Choice of Nationality

ANGLO SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the
missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex..
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat
ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is
ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two
sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's
boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the
rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a
home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.

ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the
goats.
No third date!


CONCLUSION:
'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH?

In the same vein, with profound apologies for the stereotyping (this was told to me by a Mexican woman!).

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish-American Princess and a Mexican-American Princess?

A: A Mexican-American Princess has fake diamonds and real orgasms.

 

[Handley_Page]

I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving.

Just so they'll look in the effing mirror occasionally.

 

[Handley_Page]

They approached the Hotel reception desk:
"Good Evening, We'd like to check into our suite please."

The Clerk looked up and said "Do you have reservations please?"

The groom was about to reply when his brand new wife piped up:
"To be honest, I'm a bit worried about trying anal."

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all so...rts of things.
The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little *******'s name is Kevin." .

 

[Handley_Page]

"Good afternoon, Doctor. I have a question that's a little embarrassing."

"OK," said the Doctor.

"What," she nervously asked, "is the calorie count of sperm?"

"Trust me my dear," said the Doctor, "if you swallow nobody will care if you are fat or not."

 

[desertslave]

"Good afternoon, Doctor. I have a question that's a little embarrassing."

"OK," said the Doctor.

"What," she nervously asked, "is the calorie count of sperm?"

"Trust me my dear," said the Doctor, "if you swallow nobody will care if you are fat or not."

That explains sooooo much!!!

 

[desertslave]

Flagrantly lifted from Craiglist because it's that good:

For Sale: 4SP Gemeinhardt Piccolo w/Cast

They call the trumpet "God's Instrument." The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I'm giving you the chance to own "Satan's Instrument." The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone who's a little too "rapey," this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how.

Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this 4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From it's compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you're thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home son, this picc is all you need.

This instrument has the ability to sing an A five lines above the staff so crisp and clear that if you're not careful may actually cleave your conductor's brain clean in half. It's highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed "X."

Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target's neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub's piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.

Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:
- sudden unexpected nosebleeds
- aphasia
- heart palpitations
- aneurisms
- loss of sanity
- unexplainable rage
- spontaneous combustion
- abandonment of the will to live
- anal leakage

It's a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on it's user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.

Because of this instrument, I now rule over my own sovereign island, where I preach from balconies and lounge in my throne poppin' bottles while getting fanned with palm fronds waved by ridiculously hot cabana boys. Tomorrow's forecast: Whatever the hell I want.

Since I'm livin' the dream, I'm retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average whitebread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?

$300 obo. Willing to throw in a box of gravel and ship.


http://kpr.craigslist.org/msg/4174429971.html

 

[Handley_Page]

Flagrantly lifted from Craiglist because it's that good:
For Sale: 4SP Gemeinhardt Piccolo w/Cast

One of the best adverts ever seen - anywhere.

 

[Handley_Page]

Please don't make me daddy. I don't like it!"
My son whined, trying to wriggle free, "It smells of pee and tastes disgusting."

"That's a horrible thing to say!" I scolded, "Now stop being so silly and go and give your Nana a kiss."

 

[BonBon1976]

Repost from another thread ...deserves to be shared

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the
Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:


1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."


4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."


5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."


6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."


7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?"

 

[DG Hear]

BonBon1976 : Good stuff, feel free to post anytime
DG

 

[JackLuis]

On a Sports note.

It's a good thing that the California Gold Rush wasn't 20 years later.

Else, we'd be cheering for the

San Francisco 69ers!​

 

[Handley_Page]

Repost from another thread ...deserves to be shared

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the
Athens Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:


4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."

That one is attributed to the boxer Allan Minter, who retired in 1981.

 

[DG Hear]

oldie but still funny

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[DG Hear]

A man and his wife are getting ready to have sex when their five year old son walks in on them. The dad is about to put on a condom when the son walked in and tries to play it off like he wasnt doing anything. But the son saw and asked what he was doing.

The dad says, hey there sport I was just uhh trying to catch a rat running around here."

The son replies, "What were you going to do once you caught it? Fuck it?"