Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

An Oldie

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Handley_Page]

You have two cows. . .

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.




COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.




FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.




BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.




TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.




VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.




AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.



A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The International Monetary Fund (IMF) loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

 

[Handley_Page]

"Can you please stop masturbating while I'm asleep," asked my wife.

"If you're asleep, how do you know I'm masturbating?" I replied.

"Because I can't open my bloody eyes in the morning!" she said.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Seat

My own seat.

 

[Handley_Page]

I called on my mate's door late last night and said: "Can I stay here tonight, please, my wife hasn't came home and I get scared on my own."

"Not really, mate," he said. "I have company, and I'm sure she'll be home in an hour."

"Better make it two!" came the shout from upstairs.

 

[DG Hear]

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

I think you will like this one.
brings back a lot of memories.

Click on this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=puGQsQux80k

 

[Handley_Page]

From South Africa:

Frikkie and Johan were close friends since childhood. They decided they wanted to go into business together, but had to find a black partner for BEE compliance. So Johan asks his gardener to join the business, and they all meet to form the new company.

Frikkie says, "OK! I'll invest R100,000."

Johan says, "I will go for R200,000".

Sipho says, "All right, I'll put in R1,000." for my 33 % of the shares.

Johan says, "If I'm putting in R200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. You, Frik, for your R100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO, and Sipho, for your R1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Sipho asks Johan, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"

Johan replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

 

[DG Hear]

Lightbulb
How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.

Keep Fit
Tommy- " Can you teach me to do the splits " ?
Gym Instructor- " How flexible are you " ?
Tommy- " Well..I can't make Tuesday's " .

Why do farts stink?
Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Strangely, two different friends shared this blurb and this picture on the same day on Facebook:


Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Dstv Sports Channel 5.0, Pub 3.0. And Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
The fatherhood 1.0 module is outdated with reported failures from users, we are working on an upgrade to this module.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1377237_220353611467254_1654946037_n.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

 

[Handley_Page]

A girl joins her friend at the Bar:
"Let's drink; I'm celebrating"

"Why; what's happened?"

"My boyfriend had gone"

And you're happy about it? I thought he was the world to you."

"Yep; round and bipolar."

 

[Handley_Page]

Two friends:

"You sure have a gorgeous wife."

"Yes; just like the Venus de Milo statue: Pretty but not all there."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Sexual Energy

Can you sense it?

 

[DG Hear]

Kids In Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

[Handley_Page]

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F##k off, you Prat," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

 

[Handley_Page]

"Good Morning, Class," said the Teacher. "Today's history lesson is about women's struggle for equal rights. In 1813, Women had no rights; in 1913, they started to fight for equal rights. . ."

"And in 2013, " said the interrupter, "women are always right."

 

[Worker11811]

My wife wanted me to give her twelve inches and make it hurt.

I fucked her twice then punched her in the nose.

 

[Weird Harold]

http://www.schlockmercenary.com/uploads/magnetize_kittens.jpg

 

[Handley_Page]

The Fire brigade phones the local Team Manager in the early hours of Sunday morning.

"Sir, we have a report that the stadium is on fire is on fire!"

"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Allister.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, Sir.

 

[Handley_Page]

She hands her friend a present in its box:
"Happy Anniversary for yesterday"

"Thank you"

"So, How was it?"

"Brilliant; my husband gave me a real treat in bed last night.
He fell asleep when I was in the shower."

 

[Worker11811]

So, my wife wanted to talk about the wedding anniversary gift I should get her. She told me she wanted something that goes from 0 to 180 in two seconds.

I got her a bathroom scale.

That's when the fight started...

 

[Worker11811]

My wife was standing in front of the bedroom mirror, crying. She told me her boobs were sagging, her face was wrinkled, her hair was gray and her ass was fat. She said, "I really need you to give me a compliment, right now."

I said, "There's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

That's when the fight started...

 

[Worker11811]

I was sitting on the sofa, drinking a beer and watching television. My wife came in and asked me what was on the TV.

I said, "Dust."

That's when the fight started...

 

[ga400us]

Classics...and that's when the fight started!

So, my wife wanted to talk about the wedding anniversary gift I should get her. She told me she wanted something that goes from 0 to 180 in two seconds.

I got her a bathroom scale.

That's when the fight started...

My wife was standing in front of the bedroom mirror, crying. She told me her boobs were sagging, her face was wrinkled, her hair was gray and her ass was fat. She said, "I really need you to give me a compliment, right now."

I said, "There's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

That's when the fight started...

I was sitting on the sofa, drinking a beer and watching television. My wife came in and asked me what was on the TV.

I said, "Dust."

That's when the fight started...

 

[DG Hear]

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.