Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

I tapped into a source of superhuman strength that I never thought possible
when my wife became trapped inside the burning wreck of our car.

I managed to fight off the three firemen who tried to free her.

 

[Handley_Page]

1. "The drinks are on me"
<general enthusiasm>
2. "What's the occasion?"
1. "My wife is pregnant"
3. "Congratulations. Girl or a boy?"
1. "She's a woman, you daft twit."

 

[DG Hear]

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think are whispering when you are not.

 

[Handley_Page]

I hadn't been laid for six months until last night, when my ex girlfriend called and said she fancied a fuck.

Now, I'm not saying that I couldn't wait, but I did manage to get flashed by two speed cameras on the way to her house.

Which is quite impressive; considering I was on foot.

 

[desertslave]

I'm a total sucker for a good NZ accent. Here's why:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw

 

[Handley_Page]

No - I did not manage to pull that pretty lady. She opted for that total dick-head.
I find it ironic that girls are attracted to arseholes,
but rarely agree to anal.

 

[Handley_Page]

I. Newton sees Apple fall down.
As he watches he says with a frown
"Support it is lacking
And it needs more hacking.
There are better computers in town."

====

A programmer from the town of Dunkirk
Would work with a most evil smirk.
Thought he "Buyer beware
If you use my software,
Because in it a virus will lurk."

 

[DG Hear]

Deep thoughts

If they arrest the Energizer bunny would they charge it with battery?

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

[Handley_Page]

His website was all about sex.
It had a girl making love to T. Rex.
His server said "Goodby,
Your hits they are too high,
And this our subscribers does vex".

============

You know that computers have motherboards.
This is how they give birth to large hordes.
All of these mothers
Create many others,
To be sold in websites and stores.

 

[SweetMaj]

His website was all about sex.
It had a girl making love to T. Rex.
His server said "Goodby,
Your hits they are too high,
And this our subscribers does vex".

============

You know that computers have motherboards.
This is how they give birth to large hordes.
All of these mothers
Create many others,
To be sold in websites and stores.

"Making love to T. Rex."

Is that the name of your Dragon, HP?

Good one!

 

[Handley_Page]

"Making love to T. Rex."

Is that the name of your Dragon, HP?

Good one!

My Dragon has not admitted to a name yet.

 

[DG Hear]

Legal System
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.



Deep thoughts

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

A closed mouth gathers no feet

 

[Handley_Page]

A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said okay.

After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

 

[Handley_Page]

Places We'd Like to See

Shapeless, Mass.

Oola, La

Goodness, Me

Income, Tex.

Deathly, Ill.

Hittor, Miss.

Praise, Ala.

Coco, Colo.

Proan, Conn.

Farmerina, Del.

Inert, Mass.

Hezmakinizetime, Pa.

Ca,Ca

 

[Handley_Page]

Amazing Insults:

He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.

He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.

He's the first in his family born without a tail.

What color is the sky in your world?

What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.

When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.

You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.

Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Amazing Insults:
What color is the sky in your world?

I've actually used that one!

I'm not sure how universal the concept of "the short bus" is in this world, but for those who might not know - here in America the "special" children are often regulated to a special school bus that's substantially shorter than a typical school bus and often includes a wheelchair lift. So, the inappropriate insult goes like this:

Me, to apparent moran, "Does it look as short from the inside?"
If they are slow to catch the reference and dare to ask "What?" My reply is always the same, "The bus you used to ride to school."

I'll add to the list these pleasant zingers:

"There are two kinds of space. The space up there and the space between your ears."

"When God was passing out brains, you must have thought he said "pains" and said, 'I don't want any.'"

"If brains were dynamite, you don't have enough to blow your nose."

And, of course, the classic, "I refuse to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

 

[DG Hear]

Deep thoughts

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

 

[StrangeLife]

- I'm surprised that you're so hairy.

- You're supposed to. It's an am-bush...

 

[CarlusMagnus]

- I'm surprised that you're so hairy.

- You're supposed to. It's an am-bush...

There are three kinds of mathematicians:

Those who can count, and those who can't.

(Best when told by a mathematician--which I am.)

 

[Handley_Page]

Why I am Divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
... 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

on the couch....

naked.

 

[Handley_Page]

Golf Caddies

A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course...

What I will do for you is this: We just received eight brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3-wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3-wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there.

His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had to many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, one married a Swedish girl and called himself Tiger, and the other thinks he's the President."

 

[Handley_Page]

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Wog have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go."

 

[DG Hear]

Don't Lead
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

Ding Dong
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Not In The Plans
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

 

[Balddudesrock]

Why is a bowl of jello like a woman?
It quivers if you eat it right!!!!!

 

[Handley_Page]

Not for those of strong religious or moral beliefs

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".