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Zeb_Carter said:
Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/menjokes.html
Click to expand...

Reminds me of a true story. After an day shopping trip, my wife returned home with her mother and both sisters in tow. I visited with the four women for a few minutes before retiring to my man cave. Before I left, one of the sisters noticed, "You have really big hands."

I smiled and said, "Big hands, big nose, big feet, big . . ." Then I kissed my blushing wife and left the room to howls of "OMG!" and naughty giggles. Except for my mother-in-law. She didn't get the joke and demanded one of her daughters explained it. As I closed the door to my man cave, I heard the sisters arguing over who would try to explain it to their very uptight, church-going, straight-laced mother.
 
Hmmmmmm
Why does sour cream have an expiry date?


Glue
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


Bath Towels
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?


Hair Color
What hair color do they put on the drivers license of bald men?
 
Research
Why do scientist call it "re"search when they are looking for something new?

Abbreviated
How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Alphabet
Why is the alphabet in that order?

What Time Is It
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
 
"Can I doss down in your spare room for a short while, please?"

"Sure, what you done now?

"MY GF said she wanted to settle down with kids.
I told her that I had no idea she was a paedophile. ."
 
Non Sufficient Funds
Why do banks charge a "Non Sufficient Funds Fee" on money they already know you don't have?


Remote Control
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?


Food for Thought
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
 
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your fat beer belly is it ?
 
DG Hear said:
Non Sufficient Funds
Why do banks charge a "Non Sufficient Funds Fee" on money they already know you don't have?


Remote Control
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?


Food for Thought
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Click to expand...

I love these Gallagher one liners. ;)
 
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Deep Thoughts

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Is there another word for synonym?
 
More Deep thoughts

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
 
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph With her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving. And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Cell Phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee Between my legs!

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers
 
DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER
WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A
VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

And asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
 
'You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." - Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

'Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

'The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on."
Joseph Heller (1923 - ), Catch 22

'Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821)

'Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." - Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

'Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake." - Persian Proverb
 
More Deep thoughts

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?


What was the best thing before sliced bread?


If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?


If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
 
The Three Cookies

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.
The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
The Kiwi says to the Australian: "You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!"
The Australian says to the Kiwi: "Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi."
He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Australian says:

"Look in the Kiwi’s pocket! "
 
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons.
I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said,
"Sorry, no land yet."

"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of
paper...

"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
 
even more Deep thoughts

If a tin whistle is made out of tin, what exactly is a fog horn made out of?

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
 
Church Services Of The Future

Pastor: "Praise the Lord!"

Congregation: "Hallelujah!"

Pastor: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13.

And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
• Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
• Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.

Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements...
• This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.
• Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.
• You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.

God bless you and have nice day.
 
Remember those days ?

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963, and James had a
date with Annabella. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.
'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends,that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.

' Oh yes,' she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'
 
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Tesco.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
 
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
 
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