Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Good And Great Friends
A good friend will bail you out of jail.

A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"
-------------

Perfect
If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?
------------

Set It Free
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

 

[Saucyminx]

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they were both stuck-up bitches.

 

[Handley_Page]

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes
get good run for money..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not Determine who is right,
war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse
soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with Wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glasshouse
should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in Other man's well
often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
​

 

[Handley_Page]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something but after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

Cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At 87 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'....

Sam asked ' The judge gave you only 1 month for rape?!'

Bill replied 'No, the damned fellow gave me 30 days for telling a lie.' !!!!!!

 

[Handley_Page]

An oldie, but goody

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the Staff passed out.

 

[Handley_Page]

Confucius he also say:

"Man with fork tongue should not kiss balloon!"

he also say,

"If thing do not alter, they will stay the same!"

Origato!

 

[Saucyminx]

snip. . .

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

Handley, since the last time this was posted, I have to admit, I have done both of the above listed things. I detest the Walmart and have a friend who drags me in there about once a week so I have to get my revenge some way. I mostly put stuff in her cart, like a 6 pack of douches, or the giant tub of lube or a plastic sealed tattoo magazine --she never notices until we are in the check out so she can be suitably horrified.

I will also say "Walk this way" and then do my best to imitate the Silly Walks sketch from Monty Python. Last week I threatened to lie on the floor if she didn't hurry up--she didn't, I threw myself down in the frozen foods aisle. It's really no wonder the kids won't shop with me anymore.

 

[Handley_Page]

Do you want to hear a really good batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.

"Go on then," I replied.

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.

I said, "That's superman,"

He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

A man takes his dog to the vet.

Vet: What's wrong with your dog?
Man: When he pees, it looks like it hurts.
Vet: How old his your dog?
Man: He's 12
Vet: Well, he peed enough then.

(eta: If anyone can tell me what movie this is from...you win a prize)

 

[DG Hear]

Immortality
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be
80?"

 

[TxRad]

For JBJ and a couple of others.

 

[Handley_Page]

I don't think it's fair that eTV are only allowed to show boobs late at night ...

But Parliament TV is allowed to show c*nts all day.

 

[DG Hear]

Music praising the Colon Rectal Surgeon-Funny

I dedicate this to all current and former medical personnel and their patients, whoever you are!!!

Click on the link

http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM

 

[DG Hear]

Who is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

__________________

Weddings
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Weddings
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

Her father looked her in the eye and said "'Cause it's tradition,"
and he added: "It's also useful for the Funeral."

 

[R. Richard]

Alas, condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

 

[Handley_Page]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow".

 

[Handley_Page]

Two Blokes:

1 "I'm almost finished this fascinating book on 'Tantric Sex'. It's where you have sex without moving. "

2 "And what have you learned?"

3 "I never tried it myself, but it turns out that my wife has been doing it all he time."

 

[Handley_Page]

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.


Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake, with two more frogs.

 

[JKendallDane]

Two blondes go out partying one night and end up drinking a little too much, but still attempt to drive home. Their weaving on the road finally attracts the attention of a state patrolman and he pulls them over.

The one driving looks at her friend and says, "Watch me get out of this," and proceeds to unbutton her blouse exposing everything but her nipples. When the cop looks down in the car, she bats her eyes, wiggles her boobs, and seductively whispers, "Isn't there someway we can work this out sweetie?"

The patrolman looks up the road and then down the road and figures what-the-hell just as he unzips and flops his cock in the open window.

The blond driver stares at his manhood and then turns to her friend.

"Son of a bitch! The motherfucker is making me take a breathalizer!"

 

[DG Hear]

Read it before but worth repeating

They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much
with so few words.Enjoy.......

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an
elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!'
makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the
most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the
strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a
heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we
ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so
spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to
be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only
letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a
smile..

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the
ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one
more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned..... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned..... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little
finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but
all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I
get done.

 

[DG Hear]

Success
At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is..................having friends.
At age 20, success is..................having sex.
At age 35, success is..................making money.
At age 70, success is..................having sex.
At age 80, success is..................having friends.
At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants.


Rough Landing

Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt."

On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the runway."

The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing."

All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.

She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"

He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."

She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

[MSTarot]

A young girl found hair begining to grow between her legs and was worried.

Her mother said it was OK, that was her monkey growing hair and she should be OK with it.

At dinner that night the girl said to her older sister "My monkey is growing hair."

Her sister said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas…”


The mother FAINTED

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/menjokes.html

 

[SweetMaj]

A young girl found hair begining to grow between her legs and was worried.

Her mother said it was OK, that was her monkey growing hair and she should be OK with it.

At dinner that night the girl said to her older sister "My monkey is growing hair."

Her sister said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas…”


The mother FAINTED

Good one!