SweetMaj
Teasing Girl
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Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Just received from a friend.
WHY?
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
WHY?
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
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- May 4, 2006
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A boy asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
Dad replies "Go ask your mother, your sister and your brother if they would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
He asks his mother, she says "Sure I would, we could use the money."
He asks his sister, she says "Omygod, are you kidding? He's so hot, I'd do him for nothing."
He asks his brother, he says "Hell, yeah, do you know what a million bucks could buy?"
He reports back to his father what each one said. The father replies "Now there's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'. Potentially we'd have three million dollars. Realistically we're living with two hookers and a gay guy."
Dad replies "Go ask your mother, your sister and your brother if they would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
He asks his mother, she says "Sure I would, we could use the money."
He asks his sister, she says "Omygod, are you kidding? He's so hot, I'd do him for nothing."
He asks his brother, he says "Hell, yeah, do you know what a million bucks could buy?"
He reports back to his father what each one said. The father replies "Now there's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'. Potentially we'd have three million dollars. Realistically we're living with two hookers and a gay guy."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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In Trouble
Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
"It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"
"Might as well," says Harry. "I’ll get in trouble if I go home."
Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
"It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"
"Might as well," says Harry. "I’ll get in trouble if I go home."
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
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- Jan 23, 2005
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A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".
Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the young man exclaimed.
"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".
Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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I found a lovely pair of shoes today, almost new in fact.
I don't know why anyone would throw them away.
They were just sitting there outside the mosque...
I don't know why anyone would throw them away.
They were just sitting there outside the mosque...
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
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Or, "No, I paid a PR person to do it for me."
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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a matter of perspective
"Hey, ya dumb hillbilly, you lost a shoe!"
"Uh-uh, I found one!"
"Hey, ya dumb hillbilly, you lost a shoe!"
"Uh-uh, I found one!"
Tio_Narratore
Studies
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What's the Taliban's favourite Dylan song?
"Everybody Must Get Stoned"
"Everybody Must Get Stoned"
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Relative Comfort
As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: "Move."
Waking Up
It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. "My, you’re pretty!" he said. "Have I asked you to marry me yet?"
"No, you haven’t," I gushed.
"Good. Because I couldn’t put up with this every morning."
As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: "Move."
Waking Up
It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. "My, you’re pretty!" he said. "Have I asked you to marry me yet?"
"No, you haven’t," I gushed.
"Good. Because I couldn’t put up with this every morning."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had
worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment.
During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all
about New Jersey using her body.
Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold."
Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant."
Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."
worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment.
During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all
about New Jersey using her body.
Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold."
Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant."
Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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Flirting Trouble
Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good."
The Best Sleep
I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"
Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good."
The Best Sleep
I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
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- 78,287
As the wife and I headed off on a romantic vacation we talked about what
kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be hand cuffed"
So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase ...
kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be hand cuffed"
So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase ...
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
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- Jan 23, 2005
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- 6,251
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and* coming...
Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and* coming...
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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GPS
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
Relearning
Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again.
My brother, in the throes of planning his wedding, muttered, "Me too."
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
Relearning
Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again.
My brother, in the throes of planning his wedding, muttered, "Me too."
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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Scandal has struck the fast food industries, resulting in at least one firing of a beloved mascot and further rumors against a second. Ronald McDonald, the fiery haired, brightly dressed mascot for the famous fast food chain was dropped from all advertising as an internet video was discovered showing Ronald McDonald's quarter pounder deep inside Wendy's hot and juicy. While Wendys had refuted the charged, insiders are reporting Wendy prefers Burger King's Whopper. Details to follow as they become available.
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BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
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- Jan 23, 2005
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- 6,251
In honor of the Olympics
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
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- 78,287
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was falling every time a bus was passing by.
So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
haunting_lyric
Literotica Guru
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