Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Happy

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.

"Oh, we’ve been married ten years," I said.

"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."


Doing Something Wrong

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.

"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.

He mumbled back, "I got married."

 

[fifty5]

may and december

Once upon a time there was this octogenarian bloke.

He fell for this gorgeous young twenty-odd year old, and for whatever reason, it seemed that she fell for him.

Both families were horrified and predicted the marriage would fail, but despite that the two got married.

Despite the predictions, for a long time the couple were very happy together.

However, eventually the old guy noticed that his young wife's demands for marital rights seemed to be diminishing.

He thought about it for a while and came to the regrettable conclusion that, just maybe, she was getting some of her satisfaction from elsewhere - now what to do about it...

Eventually, he decided to go home early from work. (Sorry, I probably ought to have said that he ran his own company, so was still working despite his age.)

He walked into his penthouse suite (maybe I should also have said that his company was very profitable) just before lunch-time.

There she was, dressed in a flimsy negligé, spread full length on the chaise longue.

"I knew it," he said, "you've got a lover! I'll find him..." and the old man doddered around the suite, searching every room, pulling out sofas and other furniture to look under and behind them. In the process, he passed by one of the windows and glanced out. There, 30 floors below, was a man, dressed in blazer, slacks and a yachting cap, puffing nonchalantly on a cigarette.

"THAT'S HIM!" the old man cried. First he opened the window. Next he staggered through to the kitchen. With an enormous effort he picked up the fridge, took it back to the window and threw the fridge down onto the man in the car.


So, there was St. Michael (or one of the arch-angels, I may have got the name wrong) standing at the gates of heaven, vetting the newly dead to see whether they should be allowed in.

Up comes the first chap.

"I don't know exactly what you were told when you were alive, but our IT up here is pretty good: we have all the details of your life on hard disk - all except your last few moments, which haven't arrived yet. Tell me exactly how you died."

So the old man tells the story, much as I've told you, ending up: "and after I threw the fridge on him, I died of a heart attack."

"...died of a heart attack." echoed the Saint. "Well that seems satisfactory. Go in."

Up comes the next chap and again the arch-angel goes through his spiel.

"Bloody funny," the man replied, "I'd just taken delivery of a new sports car, V12 don't you know. I was driving along when I felt the urge for a smoke and pulled up at the side of the road - don't believe in smoking at the wheel, don't you know. I'd hardly lit up - just taken a drag or two, when a fucking great fridge fell out of the sky and squashed me flat!"

"fucking great fridge ... squashed me flat!" echoed the guardian of the gates. "Well that seems satisfactory. Go in."

Up comes the third chap. St. M. goes through his speech yet again and waits for the reply.

"Well, you see, I was in this fridge..."

 

[DG Hear]

A Real Oldie

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt There must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

 

[Handley_Page]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.



A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:


'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'


[Note. Jewsons are a supplier of building materials in the UK. ]

 

[DG Hear]

Funny but probably True

Reason for Visit

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out.

Next to "Reason for visit?" he wrote, "My wife made me."

 

[Handley_Page]

Ever mindful of the changes to our staff we are pleased to be able to offer a range of new training courses.


Self Improvement
SI 101 Creative Suffering
SI 102 Overcoming Peace of Mind
SI 103 Ego Gratification Through Violence
SI 104 Dealing with Post Realisation Depression
SI 105 Overcoming Self-Doubt Through Pretence and Ostentation
SI 106 Whine Your Way To Alienation
SI 107 Guilt Without Sex
SI 108 Keeping Facts Out of Your Management Structures
SI 109 Feigning Knowledge-A Career Advancement Strategy
SI 110 Effectively Carrying a Piece of Paper Whilst Walking Briskly

Business and Career
BC 101 The Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
BC 102 How to Profit From Your Own Body
BC 103 Tattooing Your Colleagues as an Income Supplement
BC 104 Credit Purchasing with Your Organ Donor Card

Crafts
C 101 Bonsai Your Pet
C 102 Self-Actualisation Through Macramé
C 103 Drawing Genitalia in Soft Pastel Shades (Summer Programme Only)
C 104 Origami for Self Defence
C 105 Needlecraft for Vaccinators

Home Economics
HE 101 Cultivating Viruses in the Household Refrigerator
HE 102 Sinus Drainage in the Modern Marriage
HE 103 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
HE 104 101 Other Uses For Your Vacuum Cleaner

Fitness and Health
FH 101 The Joys of Hypochondria
FH 102 High Fibre Sex: Bio-Feedback and How to Stop It
FH 103 Skate Your Way to Regularity
FH 104 Snap Out of It/Pull Yourself Together-(With Kind Co-operation with the Samaritans)
FH 105 Eating With Plastic Spoons
FH 106 Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule

 

[DG Hear]

Love Letters

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

 

[SweetMaj]

Ever mindful of the changes to our staff we are pleased to be able to offer a range of new training courses.


Self Improvement
SI 101 Creative Suffering
SI 102 Overcoming Peace of Mind
SI 103 Ego Gratification Through Violence
SI 104 Dealing with Post Realisation Depression
SI 105 Overcoming Self-Doubt Through Pretence and Ostentation
SI 106 Whine Your Way To Alienation
SI 107 Guilt Without Sex
SI 108 Keeping Facts Out of Your Management Structures
SI 109 Feigning Knowledge-A Career Advancement Strategy
SI 110 Effectively Carrying a Piece of Paper Whilst Walking Briskly

Business and Career
BC 101 The Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
BC 102 How to Profit From Your Own Body
BC 103 Tattooing Your Colleagues as an Income Supplement
BC 104 Credit Purchasing with Your Organ Donor Card

Crafts
C 101 Bonsai Your Pet
C 102 Self-Actualisation Through Macramé
C 103 Drawing Genitalia in Soft Pastel Shades (Summer Programme Only)
C 104 Origami for Self Defence
C 105 Needlecraft for Vaccinators

Home Economics
HE 101 Cultivating Viruses in the Household Refrigerator
HE 102 Sinus Drainage in the Modern Marriage
HE 103 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
HE 104 101 Other Uses For Your Vacuum Cleaner

Fitness and Health
FH 101 The Joys of Hypochondria
FH 102 High Fibre Sex: Bio-Feedback and How to Stop It
FH 103 Skate Your Way to Regularity
FH 104 Snap Out of It/Pull Yourself Together-(With Kind Co-operation with the Samaritans)
FH 105 Eating With Plastic Spoons
FH 106 Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule

(C 101 - Bonzai your pet.)

 

[Saucyminx]

(C 101 - Bonzai your pet.)

HI Maj glad to see you back!

I personally can't wait to take Origami for Self Defense.

 

[SweetMaj]

HI Maj glad to see you back!

I personally can't wait to take Origami for Self Defense.

Hi, Saucy.

 

[Weird Harold]

Did you know...

If you play the movie "Jaws" backward, you get a touching movie about a shark that vomited up so many people they had to open a beach?

 

[SweetMaj]

Did you know...

If you play the movie "Jaws" backward, you get a touching movie about a shark that vomited up so many people they had to open a beach?

I'd like to see that movie!

Good one, Harold.

 

[Saucyminx]

Quickies

What's the definition of a Yankee?

Same thing as a "quickie" but you do it yourself



How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it.



What do bungee jumping and a hooker have in common?

They both cost $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.



What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?

You can eat your mom's apple pie.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

What's a 68?

The same as a 69, but I owe you one.

 

[phantom4533]

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep

 

[Handley_Page]

I picked up a big girl wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park. She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.

"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."

"My bloody scarf's trapped in the door, you idiot," she replied.

 

[Saucyminx]

What's a 68?

The same as a 69, but I owe you one.

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for that one. . .

 

[jehoram]

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep

How do you know if elephants have been fucking in your back yard?

Your trash can liner is missing.

 

[Saucyminx]

What do you get when you kiss a canary?

Chirpes, and it can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease


What does tightrope walking and a blowjob from grandma have in common?

You don't look down

 

[BuckyDuckman]

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for that one. . .

You'd be a prostitute - a low end one, but...

 

[BuckyDuckman]

why don't blind people sky dive?

It scares the guide dogs too much.

 

[Saucyminx]

You'd be a prostitute - a low end one, but...

*face palm* You mean I could have been getting paid for this?!?

A guy was having trouble trying to decide what to wear to a costume party, and then he had a flash of inspiration. When the host of the party opened the door, he found the man standing there with no shirt and no socks. The host said, "What the heck are you supposed to be?"

The man said, "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."


An old man and an old woman are getting ready for bed. All of a sudden, the old woman jumps out of the bathroom, rips open her robe and yells "Super pussy!"

The old man looks her up and down a moment, and says, "I'll take the soup."

 

[DG Hear]

Too Many Cooks

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A blonde is sitting next to her brunette co-worker when a delivery man delivers flowers to the brunette from her husband. The brunette reads the card, sighs, and says, "Guess this means I'll be spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

"Why?" asks the blonde. "Don't you own a vase?"

 

[Handley_Page]

one for the Ladies

24 Bumper Stickers For Women


1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. ANOTHER DOPE-LESS HOPE FIEND

23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.