Humor Thread

[hottchic]

Got this off another site:

Recently a doctor was making his normal rounds. He entered his first room and found a girl sitting there. He looked at his chart and saw that she was there to get her yearly checkup. The doctor went through the different procedures with her, first checking her blood pressure and then checking her reflexes. Finally he took out his stethoscope to listen to the girl’s chest for her heart rate. As he got ready to begin, he became a little confused when he saw the light outline of an “O” on her chest.

“Um…Megan. Do you realize that you have an “O” on your chest. Why is that?”

Megan blushed a little and said, “Well, my boyfriend goes to the University of Oregon and he likes to wear his school shirt every time we fuck.”

“Oh. I see.” Said the doctor, continuing on with his work. Kids these days.

After he finished Megan’s check up, he moved on to the second room. There sat a second girl, also there for her checkup. The doctor went through the motions, but again when he got out his stethoscope, he saw the light outline of an “I” on her chest.

“So, Jessica.” He casually smiles, “I see you have an “I” on your chest. What could possibly be the cause of that?”

Jessica, a little more confident than Megan, said, “Well, my boyfriend goes to the University of Iowa and every time we fuck, he wears his school shirt.”

“Uh huh.” The doctor responded. What was this, a new fad?

The doctor finished Jessica’s checkup and then moved to the third room. As before, there was a girl who was getting her yearly physical and again when he went to use his stethoscope he saw that there was the light outline of a “W” on her chest.

The doctor smirked, “Let me guess, Sarah. Your boyfriend goes to the University of Wisconsin.”

Sarah stared at the doctor with a confused look on her face and responded, “No, actually my girlfriend goes to the University of Minnesota. Why do you ask?”

 

[DG Hear]

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

 

[DG Hear]

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress, $5000. Tux rental, $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

[DG Hear]

Southerners have a way with words. These are actual comments by South Carolina Troopers that

were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toa ster
oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime
Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

 

[youreroticstory]

Lie Detector Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy returned home from school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy after all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[DG Hear]

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[JackLuis]

Astrology is Prophecy!

http://i.imgur.com/Nsb4J.jpg

Sorry about the size.

Butt Funny, No?

 

[JackLuis]

As long as I've widened the thread

http://i.imgur.com/d0cfm.jpg

Dangerous sidewalks, eh?

 

[JackLuis]

http://i.imgur.com/dOeCy.jpg

One for our Friends across the Sea.

 

[DG Hear]

A lady walks into the dentists office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.

"You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologists office is one level higher."

To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husbands dentures last week, now youll be the one getting them out."

 

[DG Hear]

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

 

[DG Hear]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wifes fidelity."

"Well, Im pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

 

[DG Hear]

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing.

Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee."Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just cant believe it."

"What cant you believe ?" asked the detective, "Its all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.""I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just cant believe my wife could be that much fun."

 

[Handley_Page]

I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave.

Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is six hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $900 a week."

 

[Handley_Page]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE May 5, 2011

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya
and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have
therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.

- John Cleese - British writer (of Monty Python fame), actor and tall person

 

[DG Hear]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...

1. The later you are, the more excited your Dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another Dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4.. A Dog's Parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a Dog; they are ready to go
24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A Dog will not wake you up at night to ask...
"If I died, would you get another Dog?"

10. If a Dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper
and give them away.

11. A Dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a Dog smells another Dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a Dog leaves, it won't take over half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your Wife and your Dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

 

[SuperHeroRalph]

Old Guy in the Gym

An old guy … (ok, a guy MY age but not me and not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

 

[DG Hear]

Old Guy in the Gym

An old guy … (ok, a guy MY age but not me and not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

Good one Ralph! Welcome aboard. We are somewhat of a happy bunch here.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Said a Grandma to her youngest:

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life.

On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.

On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure!
Beware such an attitude!
A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride.
One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten:

GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY.

Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.
Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness.
Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms.
They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.


If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pyjamas to thus make connection.

She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow.

Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.


One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

 

[DG Hear]

Why do we love children? ......


1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the woman's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

 

[DG Hear]

WHAT'S SEX!

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,"Mom, whats sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the trickysubject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

 

[TE999]

A few of the guys and I were sitting around the local restaurant talking and having coffee. We got on the subject of holidays and someone said they didn't like combining Washington's and Lincoln's birthday celebrations into President's Day; it was disrespectful of them.

"President's Day?" another guy said. "Isn't that the day when Obama walks out of the White House and if he sees his shadow we have another year of unemployment?"

Y'know, hot coffee hurts when it comes out of your nose.

 

[DG Hear]

At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his
father, "What does fornication mean?"

The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you
hear a word like that?"

"From Uncle Charlie," responds the son.

Dad charges off to confront his brother.

Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he
said was, "For-an-occasion like this you think they would serve champagne."

 

[BrianCaster]

Enjoy complete freedom of peeing anywhere in India

 

[Crudebug]

Hi DG,
Been ages since I found time to surf the net and took me a while to catch up from where I left .. and spent the morning chuckling as I went thru the posts..
Keep them coming good man.. and keep folk smiling.. I'm still not sure when i can start posting myself.. but will keep peeking in at your thread now and then to lighten my day.. cheers...