Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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"I was always taught to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder to find any!"
How very true.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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CHINESE SICK LEAVE :
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
Hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
Need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
Wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
Better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
Say and I feel Great. I be at work soon...
You got Nice house'
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
Today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
Hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
Need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
Wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
Better and I go to work.. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
Say and I feel Great. I be at work soon...
You got Nice house'
SweetMaj
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Huge Insect
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
THREE KINDS
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" asks the boy.
"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
THREE KINDS
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" asks the boy.
"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Zeb_Carter
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I know, not funny...but...
Last edited:
SweetMaj
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Huge Insect
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."
THREE KINDS
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" asks the boy.
"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Thank you. I needed a laugh this morning.
Hey I am new to this thread so I saw the first post and thought I would respond. Following from DG Hear's post on shit.
It can be argued that the most important invertion ever, at least as far as Hygine is concerned is the flush toilet. And the person most responsible for the initial world wide proliferation of this invention was called Thomas Crapper.
So how do we honer such an important figure to modern hygine? We use his name as another word for shit, ie crap.
So I guess you could say that his name turned to crap, but there again it already was.
It can be argued that the most important invertion ever, at least as far as Hygine is concerned is the flush toilet. And the person most responsible for the initial world wide proliferation of this invention was called Thomas Crapper.
So how do we honer such an important figure to modern hygine? We use his name as another word for shit, ie crap.
So I guess you could say that his name turned to crap, but there again it already was.
DG Hear
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Cute one Hottchic and welcome to our humor site. You are always welcome to post here.
Just recived this from a friend, might have had this before but who cares.LOL
THE STATE TROOPER
A state trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'? The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her...what is she doing'? The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'? The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'? The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '
Just recived this from a friend, might have had this before but who cares.LOL
THE STATE TROOPER
A state trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'? The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her...what is she doing'? The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'? The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'? The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '
Why not just call something what it is? In the end the objective of all comunication is to clearly pass on information.
And talking about crap, why is it that people have such a problem in talking about one of the most fundamental bodily needs after breathing, drinking and eating, namely waste disposal.
The original name for the place in which you went to take a dump was called a water closet sometimes commonly named crapper. However soon it was obvious to everybody what a water closet really was for, so people felt they had to find a more pleasent synonym for it so it became known as a toilet or lavatory both words linked to cleaning, in fact toiletry goes even futher and is connected with perfume. It looks like there was a real need to cover up a nasty smell.
But in time when toilet and lavatory became truely synonymous with water closet the americans, instead of looking for a new synonym for water closet hit upon the idea of reffering to the room it was in. And as often this room contained a bath it became known as the bathroom. Interestingly when selling a house a 'toilet room' not also containing an bath gets called a 'half bath' when in reality there is no bath in sight.
But guess what, when somebody excuses themselves to go to the bathroom we do not imagine them taking a bath, rather we think they are going for a piss or to take a dump. So exactly what value was all the misdirection in the end, ZERO.
And talking about crap, why is it that people have such a problem in talking about one of the most fundamental bodily needs after breathing, drinking and eating, namely waste disposal.
The original name for the place in which you went to take a dump was called a water closet sometimes commonly named crapper. However soon it was obvious to everybody what a water closet really was for, so people felt they had to find a more pleasent synonym for it so it became known as a toilet or lavatory both words linked to cleaning, in fact toiletry goes even futher and is connected with perfume. It looks like there was a real need to cover up a nasty smell.
But in time when toilet and lavatory became truely synonymous with water closet the americans, instead of looking for a new synonym for water closet hit upon the idea of reffering to the room it was in. And as often this room contained a bath it became known as the bathroom. Interestingly when selling a house a 'toilet room' not also containing an bath gets called a 'half bath' when in reality there is no bath in sight.
But guess what, when somebody excuses themselves to go to the bathroom we do not imagine them taking a bath, rather we think they are going for a piss or to take a dump. So exactly what value was all the misdirection in the end, ZERO.
Good one DG and thanks for the welcome
Also I have done toilet humor now and will give it a break at least for a while
Why do horny women like to go to Poland for their holidays?
Because they like a stiff pole
Good one DG and thanks for the welcome
Also I have done toilet humor now and will give it a break at least for a while
Why do horny women like to go to Poland for their holidays?
Because they like a stiff pole
What do you call a woman who is naked except for a pair of high heeled boots, and having a dripping wet snatch?
Puss in boots
SweetMaj
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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RELATIVES!
Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"
Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."
THIS ONE MADE ME SMILE! SORRY
If a women is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
(A) You need more time together
(B) She's a prude
(C) She should of sat elsewhere on the bus
Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"
Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."
THIS ONE MADE ME SMILE! SORRY
If a women is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
(A) You need more time together
(B) She's a prude
(C) She should of sat elsewhere on the bus
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Little Johnny the Navajo Indian boy knows history!
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
'Very good!' said the surprised teacher. Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded..
Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1876.'
At that point, a student in the back quipped, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k this!'
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed now!'
Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people after electing Obama, November 4, 2008."
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
'Very good!' said the surprised teacher. Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded..
Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General Custer, 1876.'
At that point, a student in the back quipped, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S**k this!'
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed now!'
Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people after electing Obama, November 4, 2008."
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
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Can you delete Recycle Bin???????????
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
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The Rare Spectacle
The most beautiful Mermaid is available for viewing.....Hurry up, have a glance before she vanishes in the blue ocean!!!
The most beautiful Mermaid is available for viewing.....Hurry up, have a glance before she vanishes in the blue ocean!!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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I know this is not funny. But I can't help it,
WHAT'S THE TIME ?
A COUPLE OF MINUTES IN THE FUTURE.
"BENNY ANDERSEN"
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Just received this, to be honest, I've seen it before.
DG
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
B]Guns [/B]
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B)The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups,
is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner
is ..0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So, statistically,
doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means
You are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!
DG
Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
B]Guns [/B]
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B)The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups,
is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner
is ..0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So, statistically,
doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means
You are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!
SweetMaj
Teasing Girl
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- Mar 21, 2011
- Posts
- 16,744
This makes me laugh.
Here is a little about the way the English language sounds to me.
E is English, and D is Danish.
E: Now, be a good girl. D: Nou, bi a gud gørl.
E: Please, give me a beer. D: Plis, giv mi a bir.
E: Good bye. D: Gud bai.
E: Take your time. D: Taik jur taim.
Here's a good one.
E: Do you want a cup of coffee. D: Du ju wornt a cop of corfi.
E: I am in a good mood. D: Ai am en a gud mud.
E: And I could go on. D: An ai cud gou orn.
Let me assure you. E: You are not drunk. D: Ju ar nåt dronk.
I've got tears in my eyes.
Here is a little about the way the English language sounds to me.
E is English, and D is Danish.
E: Now, be a good girl. D: Nou, bi a gud gørl.
E: Please, give me a beer. D: Plis, giv mi a bir.
E: Good bye. D: Gud bai.
E: Take your time. D: Taik jur taim.
Here's a good one.
E: Do you want a cup of coffee. D: Du ju wornt a cop of corfi.
E: I am in a good mood. D: Ai am en a gud mud.
E: And I could go on. D: An ai cud gou orn.
Let me assure you. E: You are not drunk. D: Ju ar nåt dronk.
I've got tears in my eyes.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Famous Sex Quotes
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
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