DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Loved it HP!!! That was really funny and probably true. Thanks for helping to bring humor to our humor thread. You are truly appreciated, (by me anyway)
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
SweetMaj
Teasing Girl
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2011
- Posts
- 16,744
Some of my best postings are sent to me by A/H friends.
DG
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Noordhoek where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they
don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats
on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and
go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones
who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I
will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
So sweet. I love it.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Wisdom From Grandma - -
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial rates
And blamed it on the cost of living.
Remember,
If you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart,
Then you are just a sour old fart!
"Have a Great Day, unless you've made other plans"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Received this from a friend, pretty cute.
DG
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders
Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely, Google
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP
Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely, 1985
Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God
Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind
Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls
Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and
totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan
Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary
Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast
Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
DG
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders
Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely, Google
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP
Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely, 1985
Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God
Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind
Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls
Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and
totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan
Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary
Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast
Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
BrianCaster
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2009
- Posts
- 315
Zobor
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2009
- Posts
- 256
End Of The World Headlines
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today : WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal : DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer : O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated : GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone : THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine : HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW " ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online : SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today : WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal : DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer : O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated : GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone : THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine : HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW " ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online : SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY
Zobor
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2009
- Posts
- 256
Magic Apples
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
Zobor
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2009
- Posts
- 256
red neck on the jury
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
Zobor
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2009
- Posts
- 256
blood test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
Zobor
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2009
- Posts
- 256
blonde getting a haircut
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.
the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".
after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"
Zobor
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2009
- Posts
- 256
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."
Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is"
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely"
Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.
As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"
Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."
Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is"
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely"
Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.
As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"
Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
voluptuary_manque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2007
- Posts
- 30,841
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "Noooo."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "Noooo."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm
Norwegian."
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "Noooo."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "Noooo."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm
Norwegian."
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2008
- Posts
- 21,881
"Well cowboy, you swing a mighty cock, how do you do with a rope?"
or
"Sit down Freddie, you made Aunt Mable swoon!
Somebody get a hose to cool her down."
Last edited:
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, evenhow to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarkedhis friend.
"Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enough for me."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarkedhis friend.
"Im not bitter. Now that Im so improved, she just isnt good enough for me."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a spine-chilling "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a spine-chilling "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Quotation of the Day
“Just for reference; if Margret returns from having her hair cut and says,
‘What do you think?’ and you reply, ‘I’d love you whatever your hair was
like,’ well, that’s very much The Wrong Answer, OK?”
—Mil Millington,
“Just for reference; if Margret returns from having her hair cut and says,
‘What do you think?’ and you reply, ‘I’d love you whatever your hair was
like,’ well, that’s very much The Wrong Answer, OK?”
—Mil Millington,
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Problem Solved
I finally figured out why I am fat! I should
have figured it out sooner. It's the shampoo I use in the shower. When I
wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly
on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap. On its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
I finally figured out why I am fat! I should
have figured it out sooner. It's the shampoo I use in the shower. When I
wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly
on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap. On its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
EmeraldKitten
Sweet & Twisted
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2004
- Posts
- 4,844
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
LOVED this, LOL. Still giggling.
Ithis thread!
Thank you, your comment really is appreciated. I thought the thread might make a few smiles and laughs.
DG
EmeraldKitten
Sweet & Twisted
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2004
- Posts
- 4,844
I always check this thread out.. though I wait for a few days in between so there is more new stuff to read, lol.
Laughing is my favorite thing.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Gender Joke
Marriage Quotes By Men
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Marriage Quotes By Men
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Just received this one
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase
"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
Quinn71
catch me if you can
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2005
- Posts
- 13,975
An old man of 85 years is laying on his death bed. His wife sits beside the bed holding his hand. The man speaks in a faint voice, "You know Martha I have come to realize that you have stood beside me during the toughest times of my life..during all the illnesses...during the times when I had no work...after the house burned down...after I lost our nest egg in Vegas...after the kids were in that horrible car accident." You know what I have come to know beyond any shadow of a doubt, Martha?"
Suddenly he is taken by a fit of coughing. He beckons her closer so she can hear what may be his last words. Her eyes are brimming with tears and she has a blissful smile upon her lips....
"What I realize Martha is that you have been nothing but bad luck from the day I met you!"
With that the man breathes his last and dies.
Suddenly he is taken by a fit of coughing. He beckons her closer so she can hear what may be his last words. Her eyes are brimming with tears and she has a blissful smile upon her lips....
"What I realize Martha is that you have been nothing but bad luck from the day I met you!"
With that the man breathes his last and dies.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
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