Humor Thread

[Weird Harold]

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!"

+++

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders:

"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

+++

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

 

[DG Hear]

Why is sex like pizza?
When its good, its pretty good. and when its bad, well, its
still pretty good.

 

[Handley_Page]

Cajun Insurance Salesman*

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?

 

[Handley_Page]

Strange Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

[DG Hear]

Gina Borelli called her insurance agent to inform him that her house had burned down. "I had the house insured for a quarter-million dollars, so I'll be over to pick up my money."

"Hold your horses, Mrs. Borelli," cautioned her insurance agent. "That's not how it works. We'll determine the value of your home and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

"Oh," said Mrs. Borelli, a bit disappointed. "In that case, cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

 

[Weird Harold]

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."

+++

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know
them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually
fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I
just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and
I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage
behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when
she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was
open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made
R11 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA
Superstore?

Signed...
Concerned Golfer

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this, remember seeing it before. Quite funny.
DG


When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline
and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[SweetMaj]

I'm going to start another Humor thread. I keep having a hard time finding the present ones we have here. Everyone's welcome to post here. Hear or read something funny? Feel free to post it. I keep coming across stuff (a lot of it repeat) but it's still some funny stuff.

Here's a start:

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN..

My day was filled with shit. But i sure enjoyed reading this

 

[DG Hear]

My day was filled with shit. But i sure enjoyed reading this

Thanks for joining us on the Humor thread where everyone is welcome. Sometimes you might need a little thicker skin.

After reading this shit essay I thought I could have used it in my mEarth Day story "Honey Dippers" haha
If anyone wants to read it, here's the link to it.
http://www.literotica.com/s/honey-dippers
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Received this today
DG

Six Truths in Life ...

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same
time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck .

2. All idiots, after reading 1. will try it.

3. And discover 1. is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You
now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on
someone's face today.

 

[JackLuis]

9 Sexual Bloopers Made By Olympic Commentators

9 Sexual Bloopers Made By Olympic Commentators

Sorry about the inking but, Copyrights and stuff?

Enjoy!

 

[Weird Harold]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

 

[DG Hear]

Religous humor, some cute stuff

HOLY HUMOR

**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

A priest parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees..... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?

 

[Handley_Page]

A man returns home from work and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on.

He gets quite frisky at the site and decides have his way and proceeds from behind.

After a few seconds, he stops and hits her real hard on the back of her head.

"What was that?" the wife screamed
"Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for??"

The husband looks at her and angrily says "For not looking around to see who it was!"

 

[DG Hear]

Why is life like a penis?
When its soft you cant beat it, and when its hard you get fucked.



A man walks into a store and asks the girl behind the register,
"do you keep stationery?"

"Right up til the last minute, then my
toes curl up and i turn into an animal!"

 

[DG Hear]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.


What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

 

[SweetMaj]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.


What did One gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

I like reading your stuff, here in Humor Thread !!!

 

[DG Hear]

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are:

‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

 

[SweetMaj]

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are:

‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’

It makes m sick !!!

 

[oggbashan]

Ancient (English) History

1. In the 17th Century, England and Holland were at war and the Dutch invaded the River Medway. They landed at Queenborough on the Isle of Sheppey. The Mayor of Queenborough surrendered the town to the overwhelming force of the Dutch fleet. The Dutch remained in Queenborough until the peace treaty was signed.

Unfortunately, the treaty didn't mention Queenborough. When the town twinned with a Dutch town in the 1960s, someone worked out that technically Queenborough was still a Dutch possession. The Dutch agreed to hand it back to the English in the 1970s and the Town Hall displays the agreement alongside the twinning document.

2. Queenborough again. The town was very small during the reign of Queen Elizabeth 1, and the Mayor had to work for his living as a thatcher. He was at work on a roof when Queen Elizabeth landed unexpectedly. He climbed down his ladder in his work clothes, including his ragged trousers, and hurried to meet the Queen. A few months later, a Royal messenger arrived in Queenborough, bearing an expensive pair of leather trousers to clothe the Mayor's dignity. Another few months, another pair of trousers. Then another. As a pair of leather trousers would probably last the Mayor his lifetime, he was embarrassed and dictated a message to Her Majesty asking that if she wanted to make any further gifts to the town, perhaps the gift could take another form that could be appreciated by the whole town.

A letter personally addressed to the Mayor, signed by Queen Elizabeth herself, duly arrived. The Mayor read it himself and was horrified. He read that Her Majesty would be sending an elephant.

The town had nowhere to keep an elephant so the Mayor and Corporation bought a small piece of open land near their harbour that they thought might be suitable for such a large creature. Months passed, and no elephant arrived.

Eventually, the Corporation asked the Mayor if he might have been mistaken. Could they read Her Majesty's letter themselves? One of them, more literate than the Mayor, burst out laughing.

Her Majesty's letter said that she would be sending "an alternative".

The next time the Royal Messenger arrived, he brought a cash sum to be spent for the benefit of the town.

The small piece of open land intended for the elephant is now a harbourside park. It has an official name, but the locals call it "Elephant Park".

3. Berwick on Tweed.

Berwick on Tweed had been disputed between England and Scotland for centuries. It has been in England, and in Scotland. At the time of the start of the Crimean War its status was undecided, being in neither country. When the declaration of war against Russia was written, Berwick on Tweed was included in the description of countries at war with Russia.

But, when the Crimean War ended, the drafters of the peace treaty forgot to include Berwick on Tweed which was then in England. So, Berwick on Tweed was still at war with Russia, and remained at war until the 1960s when the USSR ambassador to the UK was persuaded to visit Berwick on Tweed and sign a peace treaty with the Mayor.

What had Berwick on Tweed done against Russia during the period of over 100 years when it was at war? Nothing.

What had Berwick on Tweed done against Russia when the rest of the UK was fighting the Crimean War? Nothing.

4. Dover Castle, World War 2

In 1940, after the evacuation of Dunkirk, the UK was short of trained and armed soldiers. The Garrison Commander at Dover Castle wanted to make the best use of the limited manpower he had available so he instructed his officers to check the duties that were being performed. One officer found that there was a 24 hour watch being kept from one position on the Castle's wall. Why?

The answer - it had been part of the standing orders for Dover Castle when the current garrison arrived. The lone sentry had to be provided with a telescope and a handbell. The sergeant responsible for posting the sentry was asked what the sentry was supposed to do with the telescope and handbell. The sergeant didn't know.

After considerable research through Dover Castle's records which showed that the 24 hour sentry post had been manned throughout the whole of the 20th Century and even before Queen Victoria came to the throne in 1837, the reason was eventually found.

The sentry post had been established at the beginning of the 19th Century. The sentry was to watch for Napoleon Bonaparte's invasion fleet, using the telescope, and was to sound the alarm with the handbell if he sighted the French fleet.

The 24 hour watch was abolished.

Og

 

[SweetMaj]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this ..










'You got Male!'

LOVE IT

 

[SweetMaj]

How to find inner peace?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on the radio this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.


Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.






Triffic.

I'm laughing so much, that I'v got tears in my eyes.
This is good stuff

 

[DG Hear]

I'm laughing so much, that I'v got tears in my eyes.
This is good stuff

Thank you, I started the humor thread for people like you. reading that the thread makes you laugh is the best compliment I could get.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,


using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?”

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?”

I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.


I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I'm talking to a fcuking brick wall!"