Humor Thread

[SamScribble]

It was the postman’s last day. After 35 years delivering letters and parcels in all kinds of weather, he was going to retire.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who hugged him and thanked him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house, he was presented with a gold watch.

The folks at the third house wished him well and gave him a bottle of 15-year old single malt Scotch whisky to kick start his retirement.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her nightgown who led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had the most fantastic sex. Afterwards she made him breakfast – bacon, eggs, sausages, and freshly-squeezed orange juice, followed by a cappuccino. ‘Oh, and this,’ the blond said, and she handed the postman a crisp five pound note.

The postman was delighted but confused. ‘This has all been wonderful,’ he said. ‘But why the fiver?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘last night I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. And he said “Oh, fuck him. Give him a fiver.” Mind you, the breakfast was my idea.’

 

[DG Hear]

A few Fat Jokes

How can you tell when your girlfriend gets too fat?
When she sits on you and you cant hear the stereo anymore.

Why are a moped and a fat lady similar?
They're both fun to ride but you don't want your friends to see
you on them.

Why did god invent booze?
So fat ugly chicks could get laid too.

How do you screw a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and aim for the wet spot.

 

[DesertPirate]

Apparently the White House tossed out a number of perfectly good names before arriving at "Operation Odyssey Dawn":

10.Operation Nine Months In The Senate Didn't Prepare Me For This
9. Operation Organizing for Libya
8. Operation Double Standard
7. Operation FINE! I'll Do Something
6. Operation Enduring Narcissism
5. Operation So That's What the Red Button Does
4. Operation France Backed Me Into A Corner
3. Operation Start Without Me
2. Operation Unlike Bush Wars This One Is Justified Because Hey Look A Squirrel
1. Operation Aimless Fury

 

[DG Hear]

What are the 5 reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1. you only get laid once.
2. you only get eaten once.
3. it takes you 7 min. to get hard.
4. you have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. the only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.


What do soy beans and dildos have in common?
Both are meat substitutes.

 

[JackLuis]

http://lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/2556.jpg​

 

[monsterrdude]

The Little Rascals were in class one day when the teacher asked:
"Who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?"
Only one kid raised his hand, so she called on him.
"Go ahead, Buckwheat."
Buckwheat stood, cleared his throat and said:

"Hey Darla, how'd my dictate last night?"

 

[DG Hear]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Handley_Page]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT
I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

 

[DG Hear]

What's so great about being a dick?
Two nuts follow you around all day, your neighbour is an asshole,
and your best friend is a cunt.

Why are basketball players terrible lovers?
They dribble before they shoot.

 

[Weird Harold]

Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much."

 

[DG Hear]

THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

[YoursSINSerely]

You're QUICK!

 

[Weird Harold]

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.

"The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax", says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

 

[YoursSINSerely]

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.

"The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax", says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

LOL Bad!

 

[DG Hear]

A woman was taking golf lessons and couldn't seem to get it right.

"Hold the club like your husbands cock, you can do that right can't
you!" the pro said.

She swung and hit a hole in one. "That's amazing!,"
he said. "I've never seen anyone swing a club in their mouth before!"



What do you get when you cross a hoot owl with a garter snake?

Something that is 12 inches long and stays up all night.

 

[monsterrdude]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils,I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?'


"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned
that we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,
we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.


I asked quietly,
'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,
but I use the spoon.'

 

[Tarakin]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 

[oggbashan]

The following questions were set in last year's education standards audit
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 

[LaliaLewd]

Just a quickie. I was reading a review on a link in a different thread and this made me laugh. You've probably read the review already, so I'll now walk away from that particular dead horse.
"I wouldn't read your book now if it came with a free puppy."

 

[Weird Harold]

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

 

[BrianCaster]

Multi-tasking Undies

It's true, you can hide yr face with yr undies, but then the STUFF should be hidden will be REVEALED

 

[DG Hear]

A man was sitting in the stands at baseball game with his wife.
Men kept coming up to her and fondling her breasts and putting their
hands in her panties.

"Why do you put up with this?" asked a bystander.

"Because if i leave her at home everybody fucks her."



Two men were sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "they have
a contest here every night, where if the bartender picks your stool
number you get free sex in the back!"

"How do you know this? asked the second.

"Because my wife came here last night and said she won three times!"

 

[Weird Harold]

Cute Dog Quotes
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look hat says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

 

[Handley_Page]

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniel's. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm 6-foot tall, a 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[DG Hear]

A man came home to find his wife packing.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas, I found that a girl can make $50 for doing what i do for free with you."

He also then began packing, saying, "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see if how you can live on $50 a month!"