Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

This was always one of my favorites. Just received it again from a fellow A/Her.
DG

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!"

 

[SeaCat]

A long time Gynecologist had been retired for a couple of months and was going crazy because he had nothing to do. He therefore decided to try his hand at mechanics and so signed up at a local school for classes.

After months of classes which he truly enjoyed it was time for his final exam. After the test he went home feeling good about the exam but curious about his grades. The next day he showed up at the school and found his exam grades posted outside the instructors office. He was happy he had aced the class but was curious about the one hundred fifty percent grade. Knocking on the door he heard a voice telling him to enter. Once inside he thanked the instructor for the grade but asked him about it.

"Well," said the instructor. "You did a great job diagnosing the problem with the engine and taking it apart to the point where you coul fix the problem. For this I gave you fifty percent. Then you reparied the engine and put it back together and it ran like new when you were done so I gave you the second fifty percent."

"But what about the last fifty percent?" asked the Doctor.

"Well to be honest I had to give that to you because that was the first time I have ever seen someone do the entire job working through the exhaust pipe."

Cat

 

[Zeb_Carter]

A man walked into a bar

He asked the bartender for a glass of water.
The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a shotgun.
He fires the shotgun just barely missing the man.
The man tells him thanks and leaves a big tip on the bar.

Why?

 

[JackLuis]

http://www.cagle.com/working/110303/beeler.jpg

 

[Boxlicker101]

A man walked into a bar

He asked the bartender for a glass of water.
The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a shotgun.
He fires the shotgun just barely missing the man.
The man tells him thanks and leaves a big tip on the bar.

Why?

His pants were on fire, and the gun scared him so much he pissed on himself and put out the fire?

By the way, you mixed your tenses.

 

[DG Hear]

A man walked into a bar

He asked the bartender for a glass of water.
The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a shotgun.
He fires the shotgun just barely missing the man.
The man tells him thanks and leaves a big tip on the bar.

Why?

His pants were on fire, and the gun scared him so much he pissed on himself and put out the fire?

Sounds like a logical answer. I had no idea's.LOL

 

[DG Hear]

A frog was hopping through a carnival when he landed in the psychic's tent and decided to have his fortune told. Gazing into her crystal ball, the old gypsy said, I see you with a beautiful young girl who wants to know all about you.

The exiced frog asked the fortuneteller, "So will I meet her at a party?"

The old gypsy shook her head and said, "No. Next semester, in biology class."

 

[Saucyminx]

A man walked into a bar

He asked the bartender for a glass of water.
The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a shotgun.
He fires the shotgun just barely missing the man.
The man tells him thanks and leaves a big tip on the bar.

Why?

He had the hiccups?

My contribution:
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!".

She looks at him and says,"BUT, they are sperm samples???" .

"DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well." So the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

 

[Saucyminx]

feeling funny today

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

and another:

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Weird Harold]

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

 

[Weird Harold]

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm cured?"

 

[Handley_Page]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow? '

 

[Handley_Page]

"$5.37."

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child!

Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

He offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

 

[Handley_Page]

During a recent flood in a small Australian town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.

They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes
downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again."

"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.

When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!

How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says: "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick !

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one.
DG

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE
ONE DAY AND SAID, "DARLING, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A
CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND
WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD
GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED
AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT
SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A
HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN
BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

 

[Handley_Page]

This one's true:-

A Texas master criminal's attempt to rob a Dallas bank ended badly after the teller requested two forms of ID before handing over cash.
Nathan Wayne Pugh, 49, was on parole for two previous aggravated robberies when he marched into a branch of Wells Fargo to make an illegal withdrawal.

Confronted by the teller's demand for identification, he obligingly whipped out his Wells Fargo debit card and a Texas state ID "bearing his name", as local KWTX explains.
Pugh was cuffed as he tried to make good his escape with 800 bucks, and was earlier this week sentenced to eight years for the heist. The sentence will run consecutively with the 25 years he picked up for his earlier unsuccessful fundraising bids. ®

 

[TxRad]

A friend of mine is a guard at one of the local prisons. This is what happened the other day after she took a smoke break out in the parking lot.

Not wanting to smell like smoke she dabbed on some perfume and returned to the cell block.

The prisoners were in their cells. As she passed one cell the prisoner commented, "Miss lamb, you smell good."

"You like that smell" she asked.

"I sure do."

"Then you'll love the name of it, it's called Freedom."

 

[oggbashan]

From a friend's grandson...

This morning, Ruth went upstairs as Tom was sitting on the loo.

Ruth: What are you doing?
Tom: I am doing a number 3!
Ruth: A what?
Tom: A number 3!
Ruth: What do you mean?
Tom: I am doing a poo and a wee and 2 plus 1 = 3 so that's what I'm doing!

 

[DG Hear]

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant
birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
$250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a
nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an
overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are
available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel
shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers
from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager
said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave
it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager..

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with Senior Citizens

 

[Weird Harold]

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

+++

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.

"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

+++

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

 

[Weird Harold]

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

 

[DG Hear]

A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked, Frank, what would
you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife? id break
his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from!


What is the rodeo position?
Fuck her doggie style then tell her she's the worst fuck you ever had.
now try to hold on for 8 seconds.

 

[JackLuis]

http://media.mcclatchydc.com/smedia/2011/03/11/11/judge03-11-11.slideshow_main.prod_affiliate.91.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

What is the rodeo position?
Fuck her doggie style then tell her she's the worst fuck you ever had.
Now try to hold on for 8 seconds.

The definition of skyjacking? a hand job at 30,000 feet.

You think your shit don't stink but your farts give you away.

A man went to bed with a stiff proposition and woke up with solution
in hand.