Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and
discharged shooting himself in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to
refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so
you don't piss in your eye."

 

[TE999]

A newly married man asks his wife "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune."

-------------------------------

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes or no."

-------------------------------

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: " What do you mean 'nothing'? You've been reading our marriage license for a half an hour."

Husband: "I'm looking for the expiration date."

--------------------------------

Girl: "When we get married I want to share all your troubles, worries and cares and lighten your burden."

Boy: "I don't have any troubles, worries or cares."

Girl: "That's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------

Son: "Mommy, when Daddy and I were riding the bus this morning, he told me to give my seat to a lady."

Mother: "Your father was being a gentleman, son, you need to be more like him."

Son: "But Mommy, I was sitting in Daddy's lap."

--------------------------------

Wife: "What do you like best about me? My sexy body or my beautiful face?"

Husband: "I like your sense of humor the best."

 

[DG Hear]

TE!!!
Loved the humor, I think every married guy could relate. Thank you for your postings.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the King's Head, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, Mick's, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me young sister quite a few times."

 

[Dianthus]

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And then the fight started...

*********************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

*********************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started...

*********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

 

[DG Hear]

Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Two blondes fell into a hole.
The first one said, "Isn't it dark in here?"
The second one answers, "I don't know. I can't see."

Haha..

 

[DG Hear]

Cute one, Dianthus and EK, feel free to post as often as you like, and thanks to my other fellow posters. HP & TE. It is fun to read humorous things and jokes from others.
With respect
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo at Edinburgh airport, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 140mph down the M8 Motorway.
(Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief Inspector,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 140 mph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A Member of Parliament ?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

 

[DG Hear]

Loved it HP
Thanks
DG

 

[wolzard1]

that one was classic HP.

 

[DG Hear]

Australian Immigration Test

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at Telstra on the Help Desk.

 

[JackLuis]

Here is a cartoon.

I hope this works ???

Hooray!

 

[Handley_Page]

Here is a cartoon.

I hope this works ???

Hooray!

That's one of the best I've ever seen.

 

[Miss_Pixie]

Jack that made me giggle!

 

[DG Hear]

Miss_Pixie: Love the A/V it is really cute and makes me smile. I like to smile.
Thanks
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two gay night-clubs be opened next-door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the Clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and has an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street, a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop with its name in flashing neon lights.

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on.

 

[braincum]

Here's a few, folks...

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.".
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

 

[Zeb_Carter]

In honor of Pirate day...

 

[Weird Harold]

ArcaMax Publishing > The Funnies > Jokes


Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If I... Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary business plan.

 

[DG Hear]

I Wonder???

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree

and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

I dunno, why do we?

 

[gjif98afjl]

know

A bloke goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the services?"

Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00
AM"

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM ,
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."
__________________
I used to be.
nike rift
nike ninja

 

[DG Hear]

Bob's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Bob must have experienced. "Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively, and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Bob Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."

 

[DG Hear]

This will make you smile!!!

It's all the pastor's fault - listen carefully -

My Waffaly Wedded Wife
This is really funny! They paid a lot for the videographers and they did a great job!

Look at the clarity and the reactions they caught. This couple are going to cherish this video forever. If the bride's laugh doesn't start you laughing, you’ve lost your funny bone.

http://www.flixxy.com/wedding-ceremony.htm

 

[DG Hear]

Just a few jokes

How do you define adultery?
Putting yourself in someone else's position.

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan ..
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a
plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says
'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and
stole her purse. (that wasn't nice but did make me smile)


A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make
me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger cock than your brother'