djserani
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 22, 2010
- Posts
- 641
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
THE CLOSET
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.
EmeraldKitten
Sweet & Twisted
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2004
- Posts
- 4,844
A blonde comes home from work, and her kids are in a panic.
"Mom! Dad had a heart attack and Aunt Rose is hiding in the closet!"
The blonde marches upstairs and throws open the closet door.
"You're worthless! My husband is laying there possibly dying, and you're
playing 'hide-and-go-seek' with the kids!!!"
Haha. I <3 this thread. It made me smile this morning, but I didn't
have time to comment. Keep up the funnies!
"Mom! Dad had a heart attack and Aunt Rose is hiding in the closet!"
The blonde marches upstairs and throws open the closet door.
"You're worthless! My husband is laying there possibly dying, and you're
playing 'hide-and-go-seek' with the kids!!!"
Haha. I <3 this thread. It made me smile this morning, but I didn't
have time to comment. Keep up the funnies!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Mileage
A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles.
The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so.
About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says, "Did you ever sell your car?"
"No," says the blonde. "Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it."
A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles.
The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so.
About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says, "Did you ever sell your car?"
"No," says the blonde. "Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GETMARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE INCOMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GETMARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE INCOMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A baby seal walks into a bar.
"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Received this from a friend today.
APPLE DOES IT AGAIN!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
APPLE DOES IT AGAIN!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
meathead96
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2010
- Posts
- 244
The Lottery
A man prays to God to win the lottery. Yet each week he never wins. His faith is not disuaded, and he continues to pray to God that he would win.
God listens to him for a few weeks and finally gets enough:
Man: "Dear God, please let me win the lottery. You know that I am a good person, and if I win, I will use the money to help people and even my family."
God (finally fed up): "Well, if you would buy a ticket, I might could help you!"
A man prays to God to win the lottery. Yet each week he never wins. His faith is not disuaded, and he continues to pray to God that he would win.
God listens to him for a few weeks and finally gets enough:
Man: "Dear God, please let me win the lottery. You know that I am a good person, and if I win, I will use the money to help people and even my family."
God (finally fed up): "Well, if you would buy a ticket, I might could help you!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Out of Paper!
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorneys office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, May I help you?
The farmer said, Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.
The attorney said, Well do you have any grounds
The farmer said, Yea, I got about 140 acres. The attorney said, No, you don't understand, do you have a case?
The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.
The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?
The farmer said, Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere.
The attorney said, No sir, I mean do you have a suit?
The farmer said, Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.
The exasperated attorney said, Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?
The farmer said, No sir, we both get up about 4:30.
Finally, the attorney says, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
And the farmer says, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.
A farmer walked into an attorneys office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, May I help you?
The farmer said, Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.
The attorney said, Well do you have any grounds
The farmer said, Yea, I got about 140 acres. The attorney said, No, you don't understand, do you have a case?
The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.
The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?
The farmer said, Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere.
The attorney said, No sir, I mean do you have a suit?
The farmer said, Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.
The exasperated attorney said, Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?
The farmer said, No sir, we both get up about 4:30.
Finally, the attorney says, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
And the farmer says, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
More from Arcamax:
ArcaMax Publishing > The Funnies > Jokes
Interesting Ads and Signs, Part I
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
(This news arrived on: 12/02/2004 )
Interesting Ads and Signs, Part II
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
(This news arrived on: 12/02/2004)
ArcaMax Publishing > The Funnies > Jokes
Interesting Ads and Signs, Part I
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
(This news arrived on: 12/02/2004 )
Interesting Ads and Signs, Part II
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
(This news arrived on: 12/02/2004)
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Hedgehog was walking in the forest... Suddenly he realized that he could breath through his butt... So he continued walking and breathing by his butt... After walking for a long time he decided to rest and sit for a while... And.... suffocated..
A
AsylumSeeker
Guest
Hollywood Squares Quote
Like the thread, so I'll share, DG. Got this from somebody and have been holding onto it for several years. I'll share it. Always makes me laugh. It's better if you used to watch the show and can envisioon the people saying these things -- still funny anyway.
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Please note: most, if not all, of those answering the questions have since passed away!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help", and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your Hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a Goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
Like the thread, so I'll share, DG. Got this from somebody and have been holding onto it for several years. I'll share it. Always makes me laugh. It's better if you used to watch the show and can envisioon the people saying these things -- still funny anyway.
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Please note: most, if not all, of those answering the questions have since passed away!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help", and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your Hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a Goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
SeaCat
Hey, my Halo is smoking
- Joined
- Sep 23, 2003
- Posts
- 15,378
Little Johnie walks into the bathroom one morning without knocking. Unfortunately his mother is taking a shower. He looks at her and all that is revealed for a moment before pointing and asking;
“Mommy, what is that?”
Well she decides that he is old enough to know so she lays back and point to her crotch and tells him that is where he came from. He stands there for a minute looking closely before his eyes light up and off he runs while yelling at the top of his lungs that he is such a lucky boy.
Out the door he tears and down the street he runs while yelling at everyone he sees:
“I’m a lucky Boy.”
He makes it a couple of blocks when one of his friends finally stops him and asks him why he’s so lucky.
Little Johnie stands there panting for a bit before lifting his hand with his fingers held about an inch apart.
“I was that close to being a shit.” was his reply.
Cat
“Mommy, what is that?”
Well she decides that he is old enough to know so she lays back and point to her crotch and tells him that is where he came from. He stands there for a minute looking closely before his eyes light up and off he runs while yelling at the top of his lungs that he is such a lucky boy.
Out the door he tears and down the street he runs while yelling at everyone he sees:
“I’m a lucky Boy.”
He makes it a couple of blocks when one of his friends finally stops him and asks him why he’s so lucky.
Little Johnie stands there panting for a bit before lifting his hand with his fingers held about an inch apart.
“I was that close to being a shit.” was his reply.
Cat
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Stay
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, who was pretty, very young and blonde ,
gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in Park"?
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
local shopping center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, who was pretty, very young and blonde ,
gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in Park"?
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
fuckwaffle
~Watch the Birdie~
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2009
- Posts
- 1,781
The Talking Clock
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...
"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...
"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
meathead96
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2010
- Posts
- 244
I have seen some things that were strange before, but that was STRANGE!
A bear comes into a bar which is located in the middle of nowhere,
And goes straight to the bathroom.
A few moments later he emerges, with a smile on his face.
As he walks past the bar and towards the door, the barkeep asks the bear what he was doing.
"Well, people ask themselves if a bear shits in the woods. I just like to keep people guessing!"
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
Todays random selection from Aracamax
The Miracle Toddler Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
This news arrived on: 09/02/2005
---
Fireman
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
This news arrived on: 09/02/2005
---
Live-In Maid
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
This news arrived on: 08/31/2005
The Miracle Toddler Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
This news arrived on: 09/02/2005
---
Fireman
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
This news arrived on: 09/02/2005
---
Live-In Maid
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
This news arrived on: 08/31/2005
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of
their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
water...
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky
opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over
the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn
among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and
useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no
more!"
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of
their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
water...
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky
opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over
the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn
among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and
useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no
more!"
- Status
