Boxlicker101
Licker of Boxes
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2003
- Posts
- 33,665
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
This guy isn't too bright.The age of consent in Kentucky is 16.
Oh Drat. I'd have edited out the state had I known.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
A twofer from ArcaMax Publishing > The Funnies > Jokes
Tagging Birds
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
This news arrived on: 06/22/2004
---
Words Not Yet In The Dictionary
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
This news arrived on: 06/28/2004
Tagging Birds
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
This news arrived on: 06/22/2004
---
Words Not Yet In The Dictionary
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
This news arrived on: 06/28/2004
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
You mean - it doesn't ?
You mean - it doesn't ?
Quinn71
catch me if you can
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2005
- Posts
- 13,975
Good one!
Tio_Narratore
Studies
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2008
- Posts
- 83,076
Try Texas.They were trying to prosecute a woman for picking up a 16 year old Canadian boy on the Internet. She was found with him in a motel, but there was a bit of a problem- 16 is legal in Canada. They wanted to pursue it back home in Texas, but saved face by dropping charges since "she didn't know he was under age." Neither the boy nor his family expressed any complaints.
Quinn71
catch me if you can
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2005
- Posts
- 13,975
True Story:
During the late 90s I was enrollen in a Bus. Admin program at my local college. Most of the class was having difficulty with the Accounting course and finding it very difficult to balance it with the rest of our course load. So, we got a meeting with the instructor where we aired our problem.
He proceeded to tell us that we can drop the course and pick it up during Spring Intercession.
The meeting goes on a while longer and finally to bring it to a conclusion I speak up and say, "So, we CAN do this course during Intercourse???"
Well! there was complete silence for what seemed like half a minute and the ENTIRE class erupted in thunderous laughter!!
I tell you......some of my best comedy comes at my own expense!!!
During the late 90s I was enrollen in a Bus. Admin program at my local college. Most of the class was having difficulty with the Accounting course and finding it very difficult to balance it with the rest of our course load. So, we got a meeting with the instructor where we aired our problem.
He proceeded to tell us that we can drop the course and pick it up during Spring Intercession.
The meeting goes on a while longer and finally to bring it to a conclusion I speak up and say, "So, we CAN do this course during Intercourse???"
Well! there was complete silence for what seemed like half a minute and the ENTIRE class erupted in thunderous laughter!!
I tell you......some of my best comedy comes at my own expense!!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Presents for the Wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
> Computer trouble!
>
> I was having trouble with my computer.. So I called David, the 11 year
> old neighbor of a friend whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and
> asked him to come over.
>
> David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
>
> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
>
> He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
>
> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
> error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
>
> David grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
>
> 'No,' I replied.
>
> 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
> out.'
>
> So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
>
> I used to like the little fart.
>
> I was having trouble with my computer.. So I called David, the 11 year
> old neighbor of a friend whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and
> asked him to come over.
>
> David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
>
> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
>
> He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
>
> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
> error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
>
> David grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
>
> 'No,' I replied.
>
> 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
> out.'
>
> So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
>
> I used to like the little fart.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Professions
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
So he cleaned both of the dog's ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drugstore, and bought the ''Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either."
"But if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off bicycles for about a week!"
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
So he cleaned both of the dog's ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drugstore, and bought the ''Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either."
"But if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist said, "Stay off bicycles for about a week!"
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
The drunk
A drunk, passed out in the middle of town, was picked up by the cops.
After sobering up, the cops asked his name, he replied "John Fuckinower" .
Not believing him, they asked where he worked.
He said "the mill on 3rd street".
They called, when someone answered, the cop asked "Do you have a 'Fuckinower' over there?"
The guy replied "Hell no, we're lucky we get a 20 minute coffee break!"
A drunk, passed out in the middle of town, was picked up by the cops.
After sobering up, the cops asked his name, he replied "John Fuckinower" .
Not believing him, they asked where he worked.
He said "the mill on 3rd street".
They called, when someone answered, the cop asked "Do you have a 'Fuckinower' over there?"
The guy replied "Hell no, we're lucky we get a 20 minute coffee break!"
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
You Gotta Be Shittin Me
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Shittin Me'?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and His troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted . He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of Ill Repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired , wet, exhausted , and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied , 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
Fishing Story
I went fishing this weekend, but after a short time I ran out of bait.
Then I saw a cotton-mouth water moccasin snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
I went fishing this weekend, but after a short time I ran out of bait.
Then I saw a cotton-mouth water moccasin snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
Why the US is in deep trouble
Why the US is in deep trouble
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why.
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?"
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.."
The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Why the US is in deep trouble
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why.
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?"
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.."
The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2008
- Posts
- 21,881
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtits,
because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and
didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked,
"'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtits,
because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss,
because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
This was just sent to me.
DG
The Maid asked For a Pay Increase
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
The conversation went like this:
She asked:"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase??"
Maria:"Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife:"Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria:"Your husband said so."
Wife:"Oh."
Maria:"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife:"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife:"Oh."
Maria:"My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife, really furious now, "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria:"No Señora...the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
DG
The Maid asked For a Pay Increase
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
The conversation went like this:
She asked:"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase??"
Maria:"Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife:"Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria:"Your husband said so."
Wife:"Oh."
Maria:"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife:"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife:"Oh."
Maria:"My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife, really furious now, "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria:"No Señora...the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Disney Password
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Good and Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
The Parrot Died!
At dawn the telephone rings . . .
"Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor-made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!
At dawn the telephone rings . . .
"Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor-made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!!
MEDICAL RESEARCH
Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood!!!
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know!!
MEDICAL RESEARCH
Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood!!!
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”
The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more
Tio_Narratore
Studies
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2008
- Posts
- 83,076
A married couple turns sixty this year, and decide that they've had enough of compromising on their summer vacations. They resoplve iot take separate vacations. The husband loves the seashore and the historic beaches, so he heads off to Miami's Art Deco neighborhood. The wife revels in the mountains and their coolo, cleear lakes; she heads to Banff and Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies.
About a week into the vacation the husband calls his wife.
"How are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm having a great time," she answers.
"Me too," he says, adding, "I've gotten a twenty-year old girlfriend, and I'm having a lot of fun."
"What a coincidence," she says, "I have a twenty-year old boyfriend."
"But I'm having a lot more fun than you," she adds.
"How can you say that?" her husband challenges.
"It's simple arithmatic," she responds, "after all, twenty goes into sixty more times than sixty goes into twenty!"
The husband hung up.
About a week into the vacation the husband calls his wife.
"How are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm having a great time," she answers.
"Me too," he says, adding, "I've gotten a twenty-year old girlfriend, and I'm having a lot of fun."
"What a coincidence," she says, "I have a twenty-year old boyfriend."
"But I'm having a lot more fun than you," she adds.
"How can you say that?" her husband challenges.
"It's simple arithmatic," she responds, "after all, twenty goes into sixty more times than sixty goes into twenty!"
The husband hung up.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Just received this from a friend. Might have had it before.
DG
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
DG
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
- Status
