Humor Thread

[Zeb_Carter]

For a happy ending click here.

 

[DG Hear]

For a happy ending click here.

That was funny, thanks Zeb.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Condoms Types
1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...
2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.
3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!
5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...

6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.
7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.
8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.
9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!

11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!
12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
13. Nike Condoms: just do it.
14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.

16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?
17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Condoms Types
1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...
2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.
3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!
5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...

6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.
7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.
8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.
9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!

11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!
12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
13. Nike Condoms: just do it.
14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.

16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?
17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?

DG, #10 is not right. The quicker picker upper is a paper towel, maybe Bounty. I dunno, but not a Mars Bar. You better check your sources more carefully. LOL

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear
Condoms Types
1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...
2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.
3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!
5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...

6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.
7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.
8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.
9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!

11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!
12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
13. Nike Condoms: just do it.
14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.

16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?
17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?

DG, #10 is not right. The quicker picker upper is a paper towel, maybe Bounty. I dunno, but not a Mars Bar. You better check your sources more carefully. LOL

She's right, and the 20th one is or was the Dial Soap motto.

 

[redpaint]

Cancel Your Credit Card



Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)

 

[redpaint]

Test for Dementia



Test for Dementia

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.

 

[DG Hear]

DG, #10 is not right. The quicker picker upper is a paper towel, maybe Bounty. I dunno, but not a Mars Bar. You better check your sources more carefully. LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear
Condoms Types
1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...
2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.
3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!
5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...

6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.
7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.
8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.
9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
10. Bounty towels: The quicker picker upper!

11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!
12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?
13. Nike Condoms: just do it.
14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.

16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?
17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
20. Dial soap: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?




She's right, and the 20th one is or was the Dial Soap motto.

I sure you are both right. Give me a break thought, I just copy and paste. LOL. I did make the changes in this post. At least I know someone's reading the humor thread.

 

[Handley_Page]

Our Weird Language ...

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why do some people use the expression 'Good Grief'? (What is a Bad Grief?)

Why is the plural of goose-geese and not the plural of moose-meese?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice why aren't two houses hice?

If the plural of mouse is mice, what is the plural of spouse?

Why do we say something is awfully good? What exactly do we mean by this?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

Can you have only one plural?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

Can you be frequent infrequently?

Why do people say 'This and That' as opposed to 'That and This'?

If the plural of octopus is octopi and platypus is platypi what is the
plural of school-bus?

Why is sphinges the plural of sphinx if there's only one?

What's the difference between new and brand new?

Why do North Americans fill a form out but the English fill it in?

 

[DG Hear]

Politness

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

 

[Weird Harold]

C&P without comment or edit from http://www.arcamax.com/jokes/s-25427-183711

Good Puns
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

(This news arrived on: 05/02/2005)

 

[DG Hear]

Second Opinion

Doctor to patient: 'You are very sick.
Patient: Can I get a second opinion.
Doctor: Yes, you are very ugly too.


Good And Bad News

Doctor: "I have good news and bad. The good is you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "Oh no! then what's the bad news?"
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday."


Ten Pounds

Wife: I just lost ten pounds!
Husband: Turn around, I think I found them.

 

[JackLuis]

OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.


Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar.


Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong..


Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.


Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A.. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.


Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'


Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit'.


Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

And what are you Polock laughin' at?

 

[Zeb_Carter]

And Tiger Woods has a new sponsor...

 

[DG Hear]

Finding Jesus

An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[DG Hear]

Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.... It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromata really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------

AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...

Maxine just had to have the last word.

 

[DG Hear]

When Love Fades.....

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching
TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love?
Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I
was talking to the cat."

 

[DG Hear]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955..

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE

"C-NILE VIRUS."



Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?

 

[BOSTONFICTIONWRITER]

Holy shit.

I've never been here before. This thread is huge, nearly as big as Scouries's thread.

Why is that every time I start a thread I get this little tiny box and you guys get these palacial palaces furnished?

Damn, you have mineral water and little appetizers, too.

And a cocktail waitress? Are you kidding me?

(She's cute.)

I just may hang out her for a while.

"Okay, okay, I'm leaving."

I can't believe you have a bouncer here, too.

 

[DG Hear]

Holy shit.

I've never been here before. This thread is huge, nearly as big as Scouries's thread.

Why is that every time I start a thread I get this little tiny box and you guys get these palacial palaces furnished?

Damn, you have mineral water and little appetizers, too.

And a cocktail waitress? Are you kidding me?

(She's cute.)

I just may hang out her for a while.

"Okay, okay, I'm leaving."

I can't believe you have a bouncer here, too.

No bouncers here. Free country, no political correctness here, everyone is welcome to post here. (most) Everyone likes a little humor. We do have our nay-sayers that show up now and then.
DG

 

[Zeb_Carter]

What?

 

[Zeb_Carter]

"Hyundai" how to sell a car!

 

[Zeb_Carter]

This one is for Lair...

and now the rest of the story...

 

[Vanilla_Spice]

Funny stuff

 

[Handley_Page]

Finding Jesus

Deleted on the grounds of stupidity.