Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Had this one sent to me.
DG

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumb

 

[DG Hear]

More Standup

Bonnie McFarlane
"People say 'Bonnie, how do you stay so trim?' One, I always take the stairs, always. Two, I'm anorexic."

Steve McGrew
"I look at divorce this way: it's better to have loved and lost, then have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life."

Eugene Mirman
"I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking."

Megan Mooney
"We'd be like 'were are you going?' And they'd be like 'Don't play with the stove.' Yeah, is that what you guys think we do when you leave?"

John Mulaney
"The Dow Jones dropped another 200 points. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means."

 

[DG Hear]

Big Jay Oakerson
"Two years of karate. Two hard years. When I graduated, I was a clear belt. They actually took the color out of my belt. That's how bad I was."

Dat Phan
"I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, 8 other students around me failed, too."

Hard 'N Phirm
"We are Hard N' Phirm. That is Chris Hardwick. I am Mike Phirman. It's just our names. Anything else you brought to that, it's your own filth."

Chris Porter
"It's hard to drink and not smoke -- it is. If you don't know what it's like, it's like trying to poop and not pee. It's hard."

Brian Posehn
"Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat."

Jasper Redd
"I don't judge people by the color of their skin. I judge a person by the color of their teeth. I am a teethist. White power, indeed."

 

[DG Hear]

Last pages of Standup Comics
DG

Tom Rhodes
"Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your sh*t -- just to get away from that person."

Jordan Rubin
"You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?"

Kristen Schaal
"Some women were talking about how I put out. Now, I don't put out -- unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in."

Brian Scolaro
"Why do we bury people? If they're supposed to go to Heaven, why do we put them in the ground and lock them in a box?"

Josh Sneed
"She was so loud, like all the time, and bulimic. I was always going, 'Honey, keep it down.'"

 

[DG Hear]

Rob Stapleton
"You know your credit messed up when you get turned down for a pre-paid phone."

Nick Swardson
"Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo."

Nick Thune
"My roommate walked in on me while I while masturbating. Sorry, I said that wrong. I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating."

Daniel Tosh
"I live in Los Angeles and girls in Los Angeles like to say this: 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.' So I like to reply, 'I'm not honest, but you're interesting.'

Ron White
"In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back

Harland Williams
"My favorite owl is the snowy owl. This is my impression of the snowy owl: 'Hoo! Hoo, hoo! Hoo! Hoo -- f**k, it's cold.'"


That's it for that group of standup comics. Hope you found a few you liked.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A young deaf-mute couple gets married. At first, they have sex with the lights on, in order to sign to each other.

One day, the woman asks, "Can we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man says, "OK, but how will you know when I want to make love?"

The woman says, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once."

The man says, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times."

 

[DG Hear]

Sexy Wisdom

-- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

-- Oral sex makes one's day. Anal sex makes one's hole weak.

-- Sex is like bridge game: don't need partner if you have good hand.

 

[Crudebug]

Aging Scot with Feeble....... sight..

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus..
…and The same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

http://img2.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/5054/50546729f5d50223bbdbebde745f38e6b00da22.gif​

 

[Crudebug]

Fabled Love of English for Scots

A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said"
The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said"
The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish".
His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a\ good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that, now how do you feel"?
The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already".

 

[Crudebug]

Fed up of delays in long security check lines?
Well TFA (Terror Free Airlines) said..
'Nuff is Niff.. passengers and crew fly in the buff..."

http://img4.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/5063/5063004-holder-3bbca809b88f0731c63a4dc8f168626f.jpg​

I love Capitalism... So TFA had Cum-Petition... from Rivals .. BARE AIR

http://image-uploader.com/files/izfthrmn4aq6jul7epzc.jpg​

taking a leaf out of TFA's book and advertising: FLY IN THE MUFF
But were promptly dubbed by hot ass TFA (s)execs as BARE HAIR..


The recent upgrade of security at airports resulted in a lot of Voyeurs and Peeping Toms applying for jobs as scanner operators..
UNCOVERING some Deeply Buried Secrets... like Pam's Mamms...

http://news.beatthebrochure.com/Images/6101324013440/Controversy_Over_Nude_X-ray_Scanner_at_Manchester_xlarge.jpg​

Yet some other drooling security guards were caught unprepared by Shocks (or surprises, depending on orientation).. in the line of duty ... like this pair...

http://image-uploader.com/files/el2g70z4qw3f41x9d7yc.gif​

And all Air passengers are required to Blog about the experiences they were Exposed to.. in the new social site: Basebook

 

[DG Hear]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

“While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.
I have now done my part.

 

[JackLuis]

Texas midget

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one
finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his
head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the
right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied,
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots..."

 

[jeanvaljean23]

hahahahahaha.. that is humorous.. especially the good year one.... i must admitt u r sense of humour is excellent...

 

[DG Hear]

Man and the funeral

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

 

[DG Hear]

Two men and a gun

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

 

[Isid]

Two men and a gun

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

oy....

 

[DG Hear]

MORNING SEX
>>
>> She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
>>
>> soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing
>> only
>>
>> the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
>>
>> As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
>>
>> softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
>>
>> My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
>>
>> or this is going to be my lucky day!'
>>
>> Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
>>
>> gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
>>
>> Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove,
>> her
>>
>> T-shirt still around her neck.
>>
>> Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
>>
>> She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'.
>>

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before ut still kind of funny.
DG

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[TE999]

A mother was preparing breakfast for her young sons. When they began arguing over who would get the first waffle, the mother saw an opportunity for an object lesson.

"If Jesus was sitting here, he would say 'Let my brother have the first waffle, I can wait'."

The oldest boy turned to his brother and said "You can be Jesus."

 

[TE999]

The CEO of a large corporation was scheduled to give the opening speech at an important business convention. He asked his assistant to write for him a punchy 20 minute speech.

When he returned he was furious.

"I asked for a 20 minute speech and it ran over an hour. Most people left halfway through it."

"I wrote a 20 minute speech like you wanted," the assistant replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

 

[DG Hear]

Good stuff TE, loved it!

 

[TE999]

Retirement

If you are contemplating retirement in the near future, let me share my own experiences with you which I hope will be helpful.

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement village on Florida's southeast coast; 'The Delray-Boca-West Palm-Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club' on beautiful Lake Fake-A-Hatchee.

There are 3,000 lakes in Florida...only three aren't man-made.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What to do all day? Much of your day will be taken up with normal activities. Getting out of your car: 15 minutes. Finding your car again: one hour. 1/2 an hour in the check out line at Wal-Mart. One hour in line at the return counter the next day. Getting out of your chair to answer the doorbell: 10 minutes. See where this is going?

Doctor related activities demand much of your time as well. I enjoy reading two year old magazines in a freezing cold waiting room for hours on end so I don't mind. Calling for test results burns lots of daylight too. It takes a 1/2 hour navigating through the doctors phone menu, then once you reach the right person, you're put on hold while the staff takes a 2 hour lunch break.

Here's a typical retiree's day. Up at 5:00 AM, eat a bowl of high-fiber cereal, then join the 'Walk and Talk Club' for a morning stroll. 30 of us walk around the complex talking all at once. Some late risers get up at 6:00 and miss all the fun. Sometimes we ride our three wheel bicycles down the highway to the park, avoiding the irate drivers who want to make us road kill. Then we go home to bathe and prepare for the next activity.

My wife goes to pool number seven for her aquatic Pilate's class interspersed with gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask Me About My Grandchildren' t-shirt, my plaid, calf length Bermuda shorts, black socks and orthopedic sandals and stroll to the clubhouse activity room for a nice nap.

I also volunteer as a coach for our basketball team 'The Arthritic Avengers'. Since none of the team is taller than five feet, the hoop's mounted six feet from the floor. You should see them 'high-fiving' each other when one makes a slam dunk.

Before you know it. it's time for lunch. We ride the courtesy bus to the supermarket to partake of the tasty samples dispensed by friendly ladies in white hairnets. Food shopping is tough for most seniors since they can't reach the upper shelves and there are foods they've never tasted. We call them 'bottom feeders'.

After we've eaten our fill, and we haven't any doctors appointments, we ride the courtesy bus to the Flea Market to see if any new white belts or shoes have come in or buy a Rolex watch for $3.00.

By 2:00 PM we're ready for dinner. The line for the Early Bird specials begins forming around 3:00 PM at the Kozy Kettle restaurant, but we usually get there around 3:45 because we're late eaters. The dinners there are quite popular because they serve large portions and you can take home enough food for two other meals, along with extra bread, crackers, packets of relish, ketchup, mustard, diet sweetener, salt, pepper and after dinner mints.

By 5:30 PM we're home to watch the 6:00 news and we're fast asleep by 6:30 PM. We make six or seven trips to the bathroom during the night and soon it's 'rise and shine' for another day of fun.

Finally, it's very important to choose a retirement village with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida as they convey sophistication, wealth and being a world traveler. Which would you rather have as your address; 'Murray's Condo's' or the 'Lakes of Venice'? There's really no difference as Murray owns both of them and he's a cheap bastard.

Well, there you have it. I hope this information has been helpful to you future retirees. If I can be of further assistance look me up if you're down this way. I'm usually sitting at the main gate watching the ambulances come and go. How exciting!

 

[DG Hear]

Funny??? I'd say more goofy than funny
DG


Suicide

A blonde decides to commit suicide by hanging herself so she goes to the park and....2 days later a man is walking in the park and sees the blonde hanging on by a rope tied to her stomach. So he says "Ain't that supposed to be around your neck". And the blonde says "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe.

 

[DG Hear]

Had it before, but it's still funny, (to me)
DG

Lifesaver

The Principal of an elementry school went into a classroom and said, "I will give you all a lifesaver, but you have to guess the flavor because I'm not telling you. Whoever wins will get a prize." So he gave them all honey flavored lifesavers.

Nobody could get it, so he gave them a hint. "It might be what your mom calls your dad sometimes."

Little Johnny stands on his chair and yells, "Don't eat them! They're asshole flavored!

 

[DG Hear]

This just isn't right.
DG

Chili

A man went into a bar and there's this old man just sitting there looking at a bowl of chili. so the guy goes up to the old man and says, "Can I have that chili?"

"You just go ahead," says the old man.

So the man eats the chili and it's the best chili he's ever eaten. But at the bottom of the bowl, he notices a dead mouse, so he barfs the chili back up into the bowl.

The old man looks over and says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got too."