Humor Thread

[JackLuis]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog…… because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland "


Kinda brings a tear to your eye, don't it.?

 

[DG Hear]

Skin Graft ------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

 

[DG Hear]

REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.

 

[DG Hear]

REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS

1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4"
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but it's pretty true.
DG

Men vs Women --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
- One is to let her think she is having her own way.
- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use
two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

[Handley_Page]

T'was the Month after Christmas


T'was the month after Christmas,
And all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
Not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the chocolate I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you..., please..."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt...
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet.


__._,_.___

 

[DG Hear]

Burma Shave with the Statler Brothers

You may need to watch it twice; once to watch the Burma shave signs change and once to catch all the pictures plus listening to the music of the Statler Brothers. THIS IS REALLY GREAT.

Cllick on link below

http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm

 

[DG Hear]

An Oldie but still cute.
DG

One winter morning a husband and wife in central Upper Michigan were
> listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We
> are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
> the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."
> So the good wife went out and moved her car.
>
> A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
> said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
> car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

> The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
> says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
> Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
> worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which
> side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?"
>
> With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
> to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the
> garage this time?"

 

[DG Hear]

I found these interesting and funny
DG

27 Facts About Men
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

10 Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12 Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13 Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14 Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works on cocoons and butterflies.

17 No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19 When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21 Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22 If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have fun again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."

24 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

25 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

26 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.

27 Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.

 

[Crudebug]

Definitely A Stop!!

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/signs/images/zzzz_insanesigns.jpg​

 

[Handley_Page]

DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.


DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.

Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.


The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.


DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again.

Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of snow is now a brownish-grey.


JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our ars. Fell on me arse in the driveway.
Went to a physio but nothing was broken.



JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white sh*** last night.
Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush

That b ****** snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel?!


JAN 9th

More f***king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged.Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the f ***ing house.
I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f ***ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.


JAN 13th

F ****ing b ****** white s ***e just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box.
The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back
- I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**hole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b ****** hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f***ing" Schumacher and buries the f***ing driveway again.


JAN 17th

16 more sodding inches of f***ing snow and f ***ing ice and f***ing sleet and god knows what other white s**** fell last night.

I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my f ****ing toes.
Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f ***ing snow forecast.

F*** THIS, I'M MOVING

 

[DG Hear]

Pretty good one there HP

 

[DG Hear]

OK, a friend sent me these jokes to post. So here they are.
DG

Little Johnny's at it again......

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

 

[DG Hear]

Men are Like...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men are like.......

.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

.....Handguns.
Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot it.

 

[DG Hear]

Single Woman's Prayer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

 

[Freefall_mc]

One would think it wise to avoid a dog who fetches kipper snacks so readily.
But, I'll live a little dangerously here. The thread's rolling me.

I thought it was swell of those who kept it bumped in your absence.
The dragon has seemed a little on edge lately. Does he hold it in? Heartburn?

 

[DG Hear]

One would think it wise to avoid a dog who fetches kipper snacks so readily.
But, I'll live a little dangerously here. The thread's rolling me.

I thought it was swell of those who kept it bumped in your absence.
The dragon has seemed a little on edge lately. Does he hold it in? Heartburn?

HP as well as Crude as good friends. They do their best to participate in posting on the humor thread. They would hate to see it just go away quietly as some would like.

We invite everyone to post here. We don't care if we have heard it before. We have had a number of posters and appreciate every one of them. Just wish we could get everyone to post more often.
DG

 

[christiankay]

Farting

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[Quinn71]

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute can wash her crack and resell it.

Whats one thing thats good on pizza but not a vagina?
Crust

 

[DG Hear]

christiankay
Quinn71


Thank you both for posting on the humor thread. Please come back often. By the way, liked the humor.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

 

[BlackShanglan]

A genuine Roman joke:

One day the emporer was out on a tour of the countryside when a member of his entourage spotted a peasant standing on the side of the road. The peasant, the emporer's man pointed out, looked quite a lot like the emporer himself. The emporer laughed and hailed the peasant.

"We look much alike," said the emporer with a knowing wink. "Did your mother perhaps work in the palace when she was younger?"

"No," replied the peasant cheerfully, "but my father did."

 

[Crudebug]

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

 

[DG Hear]

Bang in the Back seat

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car. He climbs into the back seat and they start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside.

"What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

 

[glynndah]

A women was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'



The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.