fifty5
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2003
- Posts
- 3,619
That's cruel. Sorry, but I don't like it.
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
silvastormcloud
Delightfully flawed
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2008
- Posts
- 2,922
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
I Liked it Glynndah. Made me smile, I like to smile.
DG
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot..
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny... 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
DG
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot..
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny... 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship.
You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused, I will use little words.
7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have...
8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my rear off!!
9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!
***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship.
You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused, I will use little words.
7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have...
8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my rear off!!
9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!
***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Rachel and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Rachel,and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Rachel, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Rachel and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Rachel,and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Rachel, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in the local nursing home.
After a few weeks in the local nursing home, they came to visit Grandpa.
''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says Grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'',
Abdullah says with a big smile:-
''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old-- He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years
and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!
And me --
"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab".
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in the local nursing home.
After a few weeks in the local nursing home, they came to visit Grandpa.
''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says Grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'',
Abdullah says with a big smile:-
''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old-- He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years
and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!
And me --
"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab".
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
And next morn the drunk said...
I told ya to stay away from me when i am drunk...
I can't help being honest when inebriated...
But Donhca worry dahli'...
next time I'll my mouth shut and fly open,,,
then...
cover your face and ram the base...
after that... you can dress up and let yourself out without turning on the light..
Now this is the drunk in his kind mood...
Last edited:
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
And guess what is on the other side:
CRACK of DON
CRACK of DON
silvastormcloud
Delightfully flawed
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2008
- Posts
- 2,922
That is so cute DG. I'm going to copy paste it somewhere on my desk top
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Thank you! Much appreciated.
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2009!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass
student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you
say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.....
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn good'
christiankay
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2009
- Posts
- 127
I think that the first person who said "words can't hurt you", just didn't throw dictionaries at people with enough force.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
The Case of the Texas teacher
(helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?)
He asked for help and she could see why, even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got
the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right
feet...
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why
didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help
him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they
gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made
me wear 'em..'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet
again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
- - -
And that, your Honour, sums up the case for the defence.
(helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?)
He asked for help and she could see why, even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got
the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right
feet...
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why
didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help
him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they
gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made
me wear 'em..'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet
again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
- - -
And that, your Honour, sums up the case for the defence.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
I found a new joke page of stand up comics. Cute stuff. I'm going to post some of them each day. I'll list the comic who said it.
DG
Tammy Pescatelli
"People say to me, 'Tammy, where do you get your material?' I go, 'I wake up.'"
Kyle Cease
"You ever go into a restaurant -- whether you want a Coke or a Pepsi, they always have the other one?"
Lisa Landry
"Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even drink alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?"
Tommy Johnagin
"The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of also go to a community college.
Doug Benson
"I have good news and bad news. Bad news: I've been farting a lot. But it smells like McGriddles!"
DG
Tammy Pescatelli
"People say to me, 'Tammy, where do you get your material?' I go, 'I wake up.'"
Kyle Cease
"You ever go into a restaurant -- whether you want a Coke or a Pepsi, they always have the other one?"
Lisa Landry
"Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even drink alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?"
Tommy Johnagin
"The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of also go to a community college.
Doug Benson
"I have good news and bad news. Bad news: I've been farting a lot. But it smells like McGriddles!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
More Standups
DG
Anthony Jeselnik
"Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that -- then she's mine."
Chris Porter
"It's hard to drink and not smoke -- it is. If you don't know what it's like, it's like trying to poop and not pee. It's hard."
Big Jay Oakerson
"Two years of karate. Two hard years. When I graduated, I was a clear belt. They actually took the color out of my belt. That's how bad I was."
Rocky Laporte
"My friends say, 'Rocky, you don't seem that old.' I say, 'That's because I read at a third grade level -- keeps me young.'"
Andrew Kennedy
"We were kids living in Hong Kong. How cool is that? Everything you were playing with was made here, right here. They have it in stock."
Josh Sneed
"She was so loud, like all the time, and bulimic. I was always going, 'Honey, keep it down.'"
DG
Anthony Jeselnik
"Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence. Because if she doesn't have that -- then she's mine."
Chris Porter
"It's hard to drink and not smoke -- it is. If you don't know what it's like, it's like trying to poop and not pee. It's hard."
Big Jay Oakerson
"Two years of karate. Two hard years. When I graduated, I was a clear belt. They actually took the color out of my belt. That's how bad I was."
Rocky Laporte
"My friends say, 'Rocky, you don't seem that old.' I say, 'That's because I read at a third grade level -- keeps me young.'"
Andrew Kennedy
"We were kids living in Hong Kong. How cool is that? Everything you were playing with was made here, right here. They have it in stock."
Josh Sneed
"She was so loud, like all the time, and bulimic. I was always going, 'Honey, keep it down.'"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
more standups
DG
Ted Alexandro
"I got into comedy the way most people do. My parents made me."
Dave Attell
"If I need directions, I'm not asking the man with one tooth. I'm asking the man with one leg, because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there."
Ben Bailey
"So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian."
Maria Bamford
"Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex. Sure -- a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash."
Ty Barnett
"I tell people, 'I'm from Chicago.' 'Gasp! What street gang were you in?' I'm like, 'What the hell make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?'"
Greg Behrendt
"I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play."
Alonzo Bodden
"Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'"
Let me know if yo want to hear more from the standups. I'm in the B's and there is a whole alphbet of them. These are some of the better one.
DG
Ted Alexandro
"I got into comedy the way most people do. My parents made me."
Dave Attell
"If I need directions, I'm not asking the man with one tooth. I'm asking the man with one leg, because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there."
Ben Bailey
"So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian."
Maria Bamford
"Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex. Sure -- a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash."
Ty Barnett
"I tell people, 'I'm from Chicago.' 'Gasp! What street gang were you in?' I'm like, 'What the hell make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?'"
Greg Behrendt
"I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play."
Alonzo Bodden
"Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'"
Let me know if yo want to hear more from the standups. I'm in the B's and there is a whole alphbet of them. These are some of the better one.
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
Keep then coming DG.. if it is not a bother to type them out..
I hope you just have to copy and paste...
While you take a break... check this out...
http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html
Whenever he hits the "stop" button just click "play" again.
I hope you just have to copy and paste...
While you take a break... check this out...
http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html
Whenever he hits the "stop" button just click "play" again.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Yeah, I just copy and paste. That was a cute striptease, felt like shooting the guy. LOL
jacks4u
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 27, 2009
- Posts
- 430
Constipated?
So, This Al Queda guy was so constipated, he had to travel with an underwear bomb? Wouldn't X Lax have been more reliable?
Perhaps he really wanted to cause a stink?
I can really imagine his internal dialogue, while getting dressed - "Yea, the shit's really gonna fly now!"
If I'd had the opportunity, I'd have told that guy "Don't get yer underwear in a roll!" But apparently, it was. And he had just the plan to fix that.
I wonder, did he follow his Mum's advice, and wear clean undies?
So, after one terrorist tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoe, the TSA makes us take ours off. What's it gonna be now? "Let me check yer drawers Ma'am?"
I wonder what it'll be next? A dildo bomb? Anal probe bomb? or perhaps blow up tits? oops, don't we have those already?
So, This Al Queda guy was so constipated, he had to travel with an underwear bomb? Wouldn't X Lax have been more reliable?
Perhaps he really wanted to cause a stink?
I can really imagine his internal dialogue, while getting dressed - "Yea, the shit's really gonna fly now!"
If I'd had the opportunity, I'd have told that guy "Don't get yer underwear in a roll!" But apparently, it was. And he had just the plan to fix that.
I wonder, did he follow his Mum's advice, and wear clean undies?
So, after one terrorist tried to blow up a plane with a bomb in his shoe, the TSA makes us take ours off. What's it gonna be now? "Let me check yer drawers Ma'am?"
I wonder what it'll be next? A dildo bomb? Anal probe bomb? or perhaps blow up tits? oops, don't we have those already?
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Steve Byrne
"I love sleep. I love sleep so much, sleep is the first thing I think about when I wake up."
Jimmy Carr
"I was filling in a questionnaire. It said who would you most like to sleep with, anyone living or dead. I put anyone living."
Rebecca Corry
"I really miss being a kid. Sometimes I'll poop my pants to remember what it's like."
Joe DeRosa
"Hot moms? Enough already. Moms should look like my mom looked when I was growing up. Just defeated."
Kyle Dunnigan
"I just got dumped recently, but I'm alright with it 'cause we weren't a good match. You know -- I'm a Gemini; she was a whore."
Mitch Fatel
"I love having a penis. Having a penis is kinda like having a friend that always wants to play."
"I love sleep. I love sleep so much, sleep is the first thing I think about when I wake up."
Jimmy Carr
"I was filling in a questionnaire. It said who would you most like to sleep with, anyone living or dead. I put anyone living."
Rebecca Corry
"I really miss being a kid. Sometimes I'll poop my pants to remember what it's like."
Joe DeRosa
"Hot moms? Enough already. Moms should look like my mom looked when I was growing up. Just defeated."
Kyle Dunnigan
"I just got dumped recently, but I'm alright with it 'cause we weren't a good match. You know -- I'm a Gemini; she was a whore."
Mitch Fatel
"I love having a penis. Having a penis is kinda like having a friend that always wants to play."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
More standup
DG
Jim Gaffigan
"I know I'm lazy because sometimes I'll see the homeless sifting through the garbage and think, 'Geez, the homeless are so motivated.'"
Billy Gardell
"I think I'm learning the secret to a good relationship: just don't argue.... They don't know what to do. Why do you think old men mumble?"
Greg Giraldo
"I'm wearing all black because I'm getting fat. And this is easier than exercising."
Todd Glass
"You ever see a kid so cute you just want to squeeze them until they poop in their pants?"
Red Grant
"You know your baby ugly when the doctor hands you your baby and you don't say nothing right away. He be like, 'Here's your baby.' You like, 'Mmm.'"
Nick Griffin
"What separates models from the supermodels? What are the models doing wrong? What -- do they get to the end of the runway -- they keep going?"
DG
Jim Gaffigan
"I know I'm lazy because sometimes I'll see the homeless sifting through the garbage and think, 'Geez, the homeless are so motivated.'"
Billy Gardell
"I think I'm learning the secret to a good relationship: just don't argue.... They don't know what to do. Why do you think old men mumble?"
Greg Giraldo
"I'm wearing all black because I'm getting fat. And this is easier than exercising."
Todd Glass
"You ever see a kid so cute you just want to squeeze them until they poop in their pants?"
Red Grant
"You know your baby ugly when the doctor hands you your baby and you don't say nothing right away. He be like, 'Here's your baby.' You like, 'Mmm.'"
Nick Griffin
"What separates models from the supermodels? What are the models doing wrong? What -- do they get to the end of the runway -- they keep going?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
More Standups
Chelsea Handler
"All guys do is complain. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' Well, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too."
Kevin Hart
"You know you lost a fight to your woman when the cops come to your house and ask you if you want to press charges."
Mitch Hedberg
"I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs."
Jeremy Hotz
"I'm losing the hair on my head, gaining some hair right above my ass. What kind of trade-off is that?"
Gabriel Iglesias
"One time I called myself fat around my mom. She said, 'You're not fat, you're just fluffy.'"
Robert Kelly
"I'm officially fat. I have tits. The way I found out was so uncomfortable: I was with a buddy of mine -- I actually caught him staring at my tits."
Chelsea Handler
"All guys do is complain. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' Well, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too."
Kevin Hart
"You know you lost a fight to your woman when the cops come to your house and ask you if you want to press charges."
Mitch Hedberg
"I like a escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs."
Jeremy Hotz
"I'm losing the hair on my head, gaining some hair right above my ass. What kind of trade-off is that?"
Gabriel Iglesias
"One time I called myself fat around my mom. She said, 'You're not fat, you're just fluffy.'"
Robert Kelly
"I'm officially fat. I have tits. The way I found out was so uncomfortable: I was with a buddy of mine -- I actually caught him staring at my tits."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Lynne Koplitz
"You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What's so funny? I've done it. It's not that bad. Waking up is horrible."
Jo Koy
"I've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget."
Lisa Landry
"Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even drink alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?"
Jamie Lissow
"The guy next to me on the subway the other day was reading a book of sheet music. What a cheap bastard. Buy an ipod."
Shaun Majumder
"Me and my father went to a fetish party. This woman was hitting me with a paddle, and says, 'Who's your daddy?' I was like, 'That guy right over there!'"
Demetri Martin
"I think employee of the month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
"You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What's so funny? I've done it. It's not that bad. Waking up is horrible."
Jo Koy
"I've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget."
Lisa Landry
"Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even drink alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?"
Jamie Lissow
"The guy next to me on the subway the other day was reading a book of sheet music. What a cheap bastard. Buy an ipod."
Shaun Majumder
"Me and my father went to a fetish party. This woman was hitting me with a paddle, and says, 'Who's your daddy?' I was like, 'That guy right over there!'"
Demetri Martin
"I think employee of the month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
TxRad
Dirty Old Man
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2005
- Posts
- 45,152
Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both
die, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
;
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from
Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims,
'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying
yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up
dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's
dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with
Ole and Sven.. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber
hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super
Bowl.'
die, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
;
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from
Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims,
'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying
yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up
dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's
dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with
Ole and Sven.. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber
hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super
Bowl.'
- Status
