Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

Can't remember if this has been seen before:


The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)....

Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning?
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

 

[DG Hear]

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy COW, my dog is an Obama follower!

 

[DG Hear]

TRUE STORY FROM...

"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"
IN HOUSTON , TEXAS
MARCH 5th, 2009

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~

The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder. All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.

As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,

"No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

~ I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

~

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

~

The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

~

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control.....

 

[Boxlicker101]

TRUE STORY FROM...

"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"
IN HOUSTON , TEXAS
MARCH 5th, 2009

Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse. ~

The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions.

The Woman Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes, Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe...

I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder. All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left.

As I Caught My Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse.
I Looked Down At My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud,

"No Way Punk! Your Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips."

~ I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!

~

When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?

~

The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th Time, It Only Went Click."

~

The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe, The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control.....

Sometimes the courts get it right, except that she shouldn't even have been arrested.

 

[Crudebug]

Bollocks and balderdash

Sometimes the courts get it right, except that she shouldn't even have been arrested.

lmao...
A couple of fictional stories are quite sticky on the chain mails of forwards and posts in forums.. with hip, hip, hurrahs for the gunslingers..
One is this one,, and the other is about the mugger who leaves his wallet behind..

Sorry to disappoint you darlings..
Unless the anchors of Fox News are on the Jury.....if any of you is stupid enuff to shoot even a burglar entering ur house, you will not only find urselves spending money on attorneys till u lose ur shirt.. even the burglar will sue your ass off AND WIN!!! (yeah. I know the law is an ASS.. but like it or not,, u'll get the short end).. The s.o.b will sue not just for being shot at, but also for tripping on ur steps and getting indigestion from eating ur stale pizza.. and then damages for mental trauma

get real.. in most cases, especially serial rapists and killers,, the victims weapons were often used to subdue them..
Pulling a trigger is easier said than done and a moment's hesitation could be the turning point..
So get real and get some sense.. if u can own a gun, so can the attacker.. and he would be more menially prepared to use it and would have the advantage of offense.
owning guns has not made the US any safer than a country where guns are banned.. On the contrary.. quite the opp.. making even the cops shoot even a toddler playing with a water pistol..

and I am no stranger to violent death.. having brains and skull splattered over my shirt front, picking up the decapitated head of a woman in my hands.. and holding the spilled guts of a dying stabbed gangster has desensitized me to blood and gore..
believe me.. a gun wielding novice will only cause a slight change in plans in some of the vermin I know.. she'd end up eating the muzzle and before she can say PUNK.. she'd be chewing his spunk...

anyway.. either way... I don't give a shit..
The debate is not going to be shot down easily.. lol..

 

[Crudebug]

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked about her occupation, she said, "School teacher."
The judge rose from his bench and said, "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court." With a smile of delight he proceeded, "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times.”

 

[DG Hear]

Received this from a friend this morning. Thought it was cut.


Hi DG,

Thanks for keeping me on your mailing list. Your emails always brighten my
day!

I don't have any good ones to send you in return, but I did see a store
sign last week that made me think very happy thoughts:

"Women's swimwear 50% off"

Wishing you a Happy New Year,

 

[Crudebug]

Just before I forget....
Scouries.. Thanks for sharing the Dave Barry review...
He is brilliant as usual..
going to share it with a lot of his fans whom I know..

 

[DG Hear]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,

even if someone tells him where it is.

 

[DG Hear]

Important lessons

These are some really great lessons tha were sent to me. Just wanted to share it with you.
DG

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read
The last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the Cleaning woman several times. She was tall, Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if The last question would count toward our quiz grade....

"Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers, You will meet many people. All are significant.. They Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do Is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned her Name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and Put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a Knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A Special note was attached. It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway The other night. The rain drenched not only my Clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying Husband's bedside just before he passed away... God Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
Others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those Who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in Front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and Studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the Waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on The table and walked away The boy finished the iceCream, paid the cashier and left.. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
Were two nickels and five pennies.

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had To have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a Roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if Anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the King's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by And simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did Anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of Vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.

After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek... Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Most importantly....

"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."

 

[DG Hear]

Heavenly Rewards

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fucking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

[Crudebug]

Now DG.. doncha try to rush coz they got a free golf course there..
Did Peter say anything about having free and not to worry about getting the clap?

 

[Handley_Page]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,

even if someone tells him where it is.

 

[DG Hear]

New Secretary -------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 

[DG Hear]

Adult riddles

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q .Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Live well, laugh hard, & love dearly!

 

[DG Hear]

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!'

To the Girls !!


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
~ Cora Harvey Armstrong ~

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

~ Unknown~


The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
~ Helen Hayes (at 73)~

I refuse to think of them as chin hair. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
~ Janette Barber~

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
~Bette Davis~


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
~ Caryn Leschen ~


If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
~Catherine~

I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
~Roseanne Barr~

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman
~Maryon Pearson~

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!!

 

[DG Hear]

"Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone.

Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?"

"Ill bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered.

"Scheesch! Youre good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hellos?"

 

[DG Hear]

Sick Husband
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this from a friend. Yes, I have a few friends.
DG

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers .....

They include:

Bobby Darin ---Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer ---You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---Denture Queen

"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

Tony Orlando ---Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again

 

[DG Hear]

Why Men Can't Win -------------------------------------------------------------

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

 

[DG Hear]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time."

She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."

 

[DG Hear]

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

[DG Hear]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow - I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house...'

 

[DG Hear]

Dealing with Angry Wife
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

 

[DG Hear]

Pickup Line Comebacks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"