Humor Thread

[JackLuis]

Hypnotist at Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...

'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
>
> It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...

 

[JackLuis]

Problem at The Pearly Gates

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
&nbs p;
"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Maine."

 

[curl4ever]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

Very cute! Thanks, JL!

 

[Handley_Page]

Strange Facts From Fly-over Country for East & West Coast Elite Snobs

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross into states such as Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska, the Tourism Councils in those states have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the states.

1. That slope-shouldered farm body did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi, we got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for - "bait".

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use four weeks a year.

12. Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too - and turtle. Your really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 69 goes two ways. State Road 24 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Officer, be it Conservation Officer, sheriff deputy, city police, or highway patrol that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir".

 

[curl4ever]

Strange Facts From Fly-over Country for East & West Coast Elite Snobs...

Very nice! Thanks, Handley!

 

[DG Hear]

Can you help me find my wife?

I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[curl4ever]

Can you help me find my wife?

I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Sad, but true! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

Personal

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?"

She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."

Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss."

She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"

She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

 

[Handley_Page]

An old one, but good.


In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling MP before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The Houses of Parliament and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected".

Darling agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Gordon Brown spoke.
"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Brown.

"Amen", said Darling.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same...."

 

[Handley_Page]

"Daddy", said the precocious little girl, "I wish I had a little sister."

The fond father, trying to be funny, looked at her and said: "Honey, you do have a sister."

"I do?" she asked.

"Sure. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she's going out the back door."

The child thought about this for a moment and then said: "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

 

[curl4ever]

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" ...

Ouch! Thanks, DG!

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
...

"Daddy", said the precocious little girl, "I wish I had a little sister."...

Very nice ones! Thanks, Handley!

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks Curl for keeping us on page 1, Much appreciated,
DG

Things you should not tell

There was once this kid who had bad parents.
One day the parents were fighting and said "you bitch" and "you bastard" The kid asked "what does bitch and bastard mean?"

The parents said "Women and Gentlemen".

Another day the parents were fighting they said "your penus, your tit"
So the kid asked "what does penus and tit mean?"

The parents said "coat and hat"

Another Day and the parents were still fighting and they said "fuck and shit"
The kid asked "what does fuck and shit mean?"

The parents said " fuck means cut and shit means going toilet"
So one day there was a party and the door bell rang..

The kid opened it and said "hello bitches and bastards hang your penus's and tits over there mums in the kitchen fucking the chicken and dads upstairs shitting himself.

 

[JackLuis]

Atlanta Airport

You got at love this one even if you've never lived in the South.
Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners
Can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are
Cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared
To land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared
To land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to
Land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE"

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.

Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

 

[curl4ever]

Thanks Curl for keeping us on page 1, Much appreciated, DG

My pleasure.
Not only am I always grateful for the dedicated humor posters who brighten my day, but also ...
... posting thank-you's is a forum activity that is actually within my skill set.

Things you should not tell ...

Yikes! A perfect storm of mis-explained euphemisms! Thanks, DG!

 

[Handley_Page]

Most Ridiculous Lawsuits...


Family sued Oliver Stone and Warner Brothers for crime inspired on their
movie:
In 1996, the family of Patsy Ann Byers sued Oliver Stone, Warner Brothers,
and others involved in the making and distribution of the movie "Natural
Born Killers" for an unspecified amount. They claimed that the movie caused
Sarah Edmondson and Benjamin Darrus to go on a crime spree which resulted
in Edmonson shooting Byers during a robbery, leaving her paralyzed from the
chest down. The case was ultimately dismissed in June 2002 when a Louisiana
appeals court ruled that neither Oliver Stone nor Time Warner intended to
inspire violence with the film and they could not be held responsible for
the actions of the film’s audience.

Man sued Bud for not getting beautiful women
In 1991, Richard Overton sued Anheuser-Busch, creators of Budweiser, for
$10,000. He claimed to have suffered emotional distress, mental injury, and
financial loss because drinking beer did not make his fantasies of
beautiful women in tropical settings come to life, as he claimed it had
advertised, driving him to buy and drink more and more Bud Light. The case
was dismissed.

Customer sued dry cleaner for $65 million over lost pants
Roy Pearson Jr, a judge in Washington, tried to bully a family-owned dry
cleaning shop by suing the owners for $54 million in damages after they
lost his pants. The case demoralized the South Korean immigrant owners of
the business and brought demands that the customer be disbarred and removed
from office for pursuing a frivolous and abusive claim. Pearson's lawsuit
against Custom Cleaners of Northwest D.C. eventually ended with a U.S.
District Judge finding for the defendants. Pearson later indicated that he
would appeal.

Couple sued American Airlines over more legroom
Jerome and Judith O'Callaghan filed a $100,000 suit against American
Airlines in 2004 because they didn't have enough legroom on a flight to
Paris. The couple claimed the airlines had advertised generous legroom, but
said it wasn't the case. Their nine-hour flight left them with back and leg
pain. Allegedly the limited space made Jerome's legs so unsteady that he
tripped and broke his nose and teeth later at the entrance to the Basilica
of St. Paul's in Rome.

Rapist sued employer for not preventing him from committing crime
In 2002, a Sandusky man serving a 10-year sentence for raping a patient at
the former Providence Hospital sued the hospital for negligence. Edward
Brewer sued the hospital for $2 million, claiming they were negligent by
not preventing him from raping one of its patients. The judge ruled that
any damage Brewer suffered due to his crime was his responsibility for
choosing to commit the crime, and that the hospital had no legal duty to
protect him from that choice.

Batman vs Batman: Mayor of Batman city sued Warner Brothers
The mayor of an oil-producing city in southeastern Turkey, which has the
same name as the Caped Crusader, sued helmer Christopher Nolan and Warner
Bros for royalties from mega-grosser "The Dark Knight." Huseyin Kalkan, the
pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman accused "The Dark
Knight" producers of using the city's name without permission.

"There is only one Batman in the world," Kalkan said. "The American
producers used the name of our city without informing us." No one from the
town of Batman has explained why it took so many years to take legal
action, since Batman first appeared -as a comic book character- in 1939.

German Playboy, 77, sued a 19-year-old for refusing to sleep with him
Aging German playboy Rolf Eden filed charges against a 19-year-old for
refusing to sleep with him. The complaint? Ageism. He says, despite a night
on the town with Eden, which ended back at his place, she refused to have
sex with him, saying the he was too old for her. So he filed charges with
the prosecutors' office: "After all, there are laws against
discrimination."

Eden is well known to Germans for having been the king of Berlin nightlife
in the ‘50s and '60s. The elderly playboy --who claims to have bedded
between 2,000 and 3,000 women in his long life-– once shocked Berlin by
saying he would like to die while having sex. He wrote: "I would like to
die as I have lived: on a woman." He also said that there are some women
who are too old for him. But in that case he would be more diplomatic and
say, 'sorry, you're not my type’.

Man sued over lap dance injury
In 2008, a married investment broker in his 30s sued a midtown strip club.
Stephen Chang claimed in court papers that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club
near Madison Square Garden in Manhattan alone and was getting a paid lap
dance when the accident occurred. According to the lawsuit, as the dancer
swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "to
sustain serious injuries." The lawsuit claimed the club "and/or its
employee" were "negligent" for her "suddenly swinging around" and his
lawyer says Chang sustained "serious injuries."

Viewer sued NBC over 'Fear Factor' rat-eating episode
After watching an episode of the reality TV show Fear Factor on NBC in
2005, Austin Aitken sued the network for $2.5 million. He said the sight of
contestants eating blended rats disgusted him so much that his health
suffered. He claimed the show raised his blood pressure rise, made him
dizzy, and caused him to vomit. He also became so disoriented, he smashed
into a door. The lawsuit was thrown out of court.

Man sued wife for donated kidney
After Long Island doctor Richard Batista was slapped with divorce papers
from his cheating wife, he decided he'd had enough and sued her for the
return of a gift he'd give her eight years prior: a kidney. After the
successful transplant, Dawnell --Batista’s wife-- survived, but not their
marriage, which lasted only another four years.

The heartbroken doctor requested the one-time love of his life to pay $1.5
million for the organ he donated. He insisted his cash-for-kidney claim was
a direct result of his wife's behavior.

Shop Owner sued a homeless for $1 Million

In 2007, a Manhattan antique shop owner's lawsuit against hobos who camped
in front of his store generated debate about what to do with New York's
homeless, many of whom spend winter nights on the street. Karl Kemp, owner
of the posh Karl Kemp & Associates Antiques on Madison Avenue, sued three
men and a woman for $1-million, alleging they scare away customers when
they drink alcohol, urinate and warm themselves above a heating duct in
front of his shop. Kemp's suit, filed in state Supreme Court, also seeked
an order to keep them 30m away.


Student sued school after being awakened by teacher
A 16-year-old Connecticut high school student who fell asleep in class
alleged he suffered substantial hearing loss when his math teacher smacked
her palm down on his desk to wake him up while she was teaching, so his
parents decided to sue Danbury High School, the Connecticut Board of
Education and the city of Danbury on his behalf.

Attorney Alan Barry says 15-year-old Vinicios Robacher suffered pain and
"very severe injuries to his left eardrum" when teacher Melissa Nadeau
abruptly slammed the palm of her hand on his desk. Vinicios has been teased
by students at school ever since.

 

[DG Hear]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked
at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But
how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

 

[DG Hear]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you..

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

 

[DG Hear]

Noah's Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark .

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

 

[DG Hear]

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

 

[DG Hear]

kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

 

[curl4ever]

Most Ridiculous Lawsuits......

Nice ones! Thanks, Handley!

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

Confucius Says: ...

Great! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

marriage role play

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Maam, Im sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? Im awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, lets pretend that were married."

"Wow! Thats a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[DG Hear]

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/donkey.gif

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well.. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.


Give more.

Expect less


NOW .


Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

 

[curl4ever]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. ...

Nice one! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

"Too Many Kids"

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."