Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
lol...
I think he should visit Paris.. or anywhere in France for that matter..
too many FROGS yakking their heads off over there.. lol..
but u could converse only if u parley vous Francias
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
lol...
I think he should visit Paris.. or anywhere in France for that matter..
too many FROGS yakking their heads off over there.. lol..
but u could converse only if u parley vous Francias
Bianca_Sommerland
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2009
- Posts
- 1,198
Don't know if this is in here, I haven't read the whole thread but I thought it was cute and, well, fitting.
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Bianca_Sommerland, don't worry if anything was posted before. If you want to post something you think is funny or humorous, juat post away.
DG
I heard a cute joke today.
A woman heard that milk baths were great for you skin. Since she would need so much milk, she called the local dairy for informtion.
"Yes, I want to purchase enough milk for a milk bath please"
"Pasturized" the man replied.
"No, just above my tits."
DG
I heard a cute joke today.
A woman heard that milk baths were great for you skin. Since she would need so much milk, she called the local dairy for informtion.
"Yes, I want to purchase enough milk for a milk bath please"
"Pasturized" the man replied.
"No, just above my tits."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Agent
A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
His response -- click.
A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, "No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA, is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL, on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
'The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.
A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
His response -- click.
A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, "No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA, is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL, on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
'The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.
Bianca_Sommerland
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2009
- Posts
- 1,198
Bianca_Sommerland, don't worry if anything was posted before. If you want to post something you think is funny or humorous, juat post away.
DG
I heard a cute joke today.
A woman heard that milk baths were great for you skin. Since she would need so much milk, she called the local dairy for informtion.
"Yes, I want to purchase enough milk for a milk bath please"
"Pasturized" the man replied.
"No, just above my tits."
TY DG. I have to say it. You've got to be the sweetest person here!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
I'll just say thank you, I'm sure most won't agee with you. I will say that there are some nice people on the AH. There are also some that I'll say aren't so nice. Not going to mention names.TY DG. I have to say it. You've got to be the sweetest person here!
There are some good people who post on the humor thread. We have a pretty good time, and yes we make fun and insult groups of people.
Oh, I heard one of the insults today:
The one good thing that came out of the 'The government will give you money to get rid of your junk car," fiasco.
You don't see nearly as many O'bama bumper stickers now.
Again, Thank you Bianca, come back and visit and post often. You are always welcome.
DG
Last edited:
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 2,015
Thanks, DG!
john-the-author
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 6, 2004
- Posts
- 1,845
From a friend of mine in England:
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her file and replies.
"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's a starting annual salary of £8500, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."
"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her file and replies.
"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's a starting annual salary of £8500, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."
"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Had this before, worth another read.
DG
George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone...
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6... The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
DG
George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone...
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6... The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'
'Don't what ?'
Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.
'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'
' No Way! '
'Yes way ! '
'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.
'Why ? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.
'Uh huh,' Adam replied.
'Then why did you?' said the Father.
'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.
'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,
they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own..
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'
'Don't what ?'
Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.
'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!'
' No Way! '
'Yes way ! '
'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.
'Why ? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.
'Uh huh,' Adam replied.
'Then why did you?' said the Father.
'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.
'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,
they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own..
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
Bianca_Sommerland
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2009
- Posts
- 1,198
I'll just say thank you, I'm sure most won't agee with you. I will say that there are some nice people on the AH. There are also some that I'll say aren't so nice. Not going to mention names.
There are some good people who post on the humor thread. We have a pretty good time, and yes we make fun and insult groups of people.
Oh, I heard one of the insults today:
The one good thing that came out of the 'The government will give you money to get rid of your junk car," fiasco.
You don't see nearly as many O'bama bumper stickers now.
Again, Thank you Bianca, come back and visit and post often. You are always welcome.
DG
Hey DH
TY. And BTW, if I was overly concerned about what people thought I would be a losy writer The people I want to reach are...unconventional.Here's another one. I never thought to share but I will now thanks to the warm welcome. I take myself to serious sometimes and jokes help me relax. And giggling is good for the blood...or so they say...somewhere....
Three guys are sitting at a bar
#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
#2: "What do you do for a living?"
#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."
#1: "What do you do?"
#2: "I'm an architect."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
#3: "Gee... hmmm... I guess about $13,000."
#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Sold out
Did you understand me ?Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
Did you understand me ?Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.
When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"
The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.
During one trip, the driver dropped her at a mall before he gased up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.
The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.
During one trip, the driver dropped her at a mall before he gased up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.
The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
Medical Notes are lifesavers?
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (but I'm sure their bosses would be happy to take the blame!)
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
3 Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18 She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow (but I'm sure their bosses would be happy to take the blame!)
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
3 Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18 She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 2,015
Loved it! Thanks, john!
Thanks, DG! I needed that.
Very nice!
Great! Thanks, DG!
Thanks, Bianca!
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the court?"
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.
When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much.
He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are travelling the rough and rocky road to damnation."
To which the drunk replied: "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong f**king train again!"
When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much.
He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are travelling the rough and rocky road to damnation."
To which the drunk replied: "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong f**king train again!"
- Status
