Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

I might have posted this not too long ago but it is cute.
DG

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR THE KETCHUP BOTTLE.

 

[Weird Harold]

A young man goes to work on an assembly line. He asks the worker next to him, "how long you been working here?"

"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

 

[DG Hear]

A young man goes to work on an assembly line. He asks the worker next to him, "how long you been working here?"

"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

Cute, always good to hear from you Harold.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

If you like video games (and maybe even if you don't), you will laugh your ass off at this.

 

[DG Hear]

Be Careful What You Wish For!!!!!!

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving
to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again..

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years
old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember.... fairies are female.

 

[JackLuis]

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her About the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a Pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I clean house and iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you clean and iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora....the gardener did..'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

 

[JackLuis]

Retirement fun

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a #####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.



We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

[curl4ever]

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
...

Nice one! Thanks for posting, JackLuis!

 

[DG Hear]

Somewhat nasty!

A guy asks his wife if he can cum in her ear, she says hell no i might go deaf.

He says but i cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the fuck up.

 

[DG Hear]

Magic

Two men in a sauna. The first one says to the second one, "Do you want to see a magic trick?"

Second guy says, "Sure."

"OK. Face away from me and get down on your hands and knees."

Second guy turns around and gets down on all fours.

"There," says the first one, "... does that feel like you've got a thumb up your ass?"

"Yes!"

The first guy waves both of his hands in the air, "Magic!"

 

[DG Hear]

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

 

[DG Hear]

Richard Simmons

Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?

Yeah...now he has no ears.

 

[DG Hear]

Wife and best friend

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"

 

[DG Hear]

State Trooper and the Old Lady

A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.

When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."

A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."�

The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA."

The old lady nods her head, "Yup."�

The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."�

The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

 

[DG Hear]

Running the Business

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

 

[DG Hear]

The Lie Detector Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[phoenixangel]

Q. what do you do if you are riding a zebra and being chased by a lion?
A. get your drunking butt off the merry~go~round!

 

[DG Hear]

A senior moment .... at 48?
>
> David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School
> in McKinney . He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.

> $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to
> me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and
> something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the
> kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some
> change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone
> has ever said to me.. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior
> citizen discount."
>
> I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of
> change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said
> cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere
> child! Senior citizen?
>
> I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was
> wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to
> boil. Old? Me?
>
> I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside.
> I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
>
> Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in
> front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A
> toddler?
>
> "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with
> utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving
> keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
>
> I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the
> ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried
> another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging
> from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my
> rearview mirror.
>
> Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back
> seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially
> eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
>
> Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien
> vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved
> to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I
> felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled
> and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to
> be found.
>
> I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into
> the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and
> black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming
> to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At
> this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my
> vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security
> benefits.
>
> Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a
> young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was
> holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left
> this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the
> little boy and sheepishly apologized.
>
> She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff
> like this all the time."
>
> All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes,
> I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the
> officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
>
> As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the
> hall.. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I
> promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
>
> The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
>

 

[DG Hear]

Blonde Swimmer*

*A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to
marry her right away.*

*She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'*

*He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'*

*So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.*

*One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.*

*After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.*

*She said, 'That was incredible!'*

*He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'*

*So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.*

*After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.*

*He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'*

*'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Pittsburgh and I worked both sides of the River*

 

[DG Hear]

Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

A man asks a store clerk, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"

 

[Crudebug]

Thanks Curl, you're about the only one who comments anymore. I do appreciate it. I must be on everyones ignore list.
Thanks for letting me know you at least read them.
DG

like hell u r...
I've been too damn busy to even wade thru a ton of mail and yet I pop in to peek and laff... and then scurry back to the rat race and bury myself in what seems to be a real busy patch.. when I get my breath back from working and laffin'.. will try to pipe up... lol...
Just keep 'em coming...

 

[JackLuis]

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.


Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'


At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again.'

*********************

DG Hear, I love the thread. Some are corney but hey even Leno has a few stinkers. Good Work, keep'em coming.

 

[DG Hear]

like hell u r...
I've been too damn busy to even wade thru a ton of mail and yet I pop in to peek and laff... and then scurry back to the rat race and bury myself in what seems to be a real busy patch.. when I get my breath back from working and laffin'.. will try to pipe up... lol...
Just keep 'em coming...

Thanks Crude!! I'm always glad to hear from you. I understand that life can be a bitch sometimes. Happy to have you drop in whenever you can.
DG

 

[Stella_Omega]

hello Dg, I noticed this thread is still going. I only saw it from the front page because JL commented on it-- and I was wondering if you had changed at all-- sad to see that it's still nothing that makes me smile or laugh.

You already know my reasons;

Your "humor" attacks and blames pretty much every thing that I am and have experienced; from my birth as a female, through my childhood as a smart kid, my teen years when I realized that I was not going to be a nice hetero girlie, and well into my adult life which I have spent defending myself against kneejerk bigots.

It's astonishing how you don't miss a beat.

This is your friendly reminder from someone who is not you.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled "only-five-hundred-jokes-what's-your-problem."

 

[Handley_Page]

hello Dg, I noticed this thread is still going. I only saw it from the front page because JL commented on it-- and I was wondering if you had changed at all-- sad to see that it's still nothing that makes me smile or laugh.

You already know my reasons;

Your "humor" attacks and blames pretty much every thing that I am and have experienced; from my birth as a female, through my childhood as a smart kid, my teen years when I realized that I was not going to be a nice hetero girlie, and well into my adult life which I have spent defending myself against kneejerk bigots.

It's astonishing how you don't miss a beat.

This is your friendly reminder from someone who is not you.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled "only-five-hundred-jokes-what's-your-problem."

Oh, go on, Stella, some of them are real funny and in no way sexually critical.