Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Be Careful What You Wish For!!!!!!

>>>>>>

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember.... fairies are female.

No shit Sherlock!!!!!
And I thot they were GAY!!!!!!!!!

 

[DG Hear]

DG Hear, I love the thread. Some are corney but hey even Leno has a few stinkers. Good Work, keep'em coming.

Thanks Jack, Always glad to see your posts.

hello Dg, I noticed this thread is still going. I only saw it from the front page because JL commented on it-- and I was wondering if you had changed at all-- sad to see that it's still nothing that makes me smile or laugh.

You already know my reasons;

Your "humor" attacks and blames pretty much every thing that I am and have experienced; from my birth as a female, through my childhood as a smart kid, my teen years when I realized that I was not going to be a nice hetero girlie, and well into my adult life which I have spent defending myself against kneejerk bigots.

It's astonishing how you don't miss a beat.

This is your friendly reminder from someone who is not you.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled "only-five-hundred-jokes-what's-your-problem."

Stella, this thread is for anyone who wants to post. If you or your friends have something that you think is funny, feel free to post it. Read the ones you like and bypass the ones you don't. Share what you feel is funny or humorous. Those that agree with you will be glad to read something that I haven't posted.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
DG

No shit Sherlock!!!!!
And I thot they were GAY!!!!!!!!!

Easy now, I thought Tinker Bell was a doll baby.

 

[Crudebug]

Oh, go on, Stella, some of them are real funny and in no way sexually critical.

and if they were....?? so what!!!!
a joke's. a joke.. and sometimes the critical ones are the funniest..
there will always be the thick-skinned and the ones who let it get under their skin..
tuff!!! huff and puff.. and whatever... as one stand-up comedian said.. I'm chuffed to bits..
No one is being dragged in to read.. those who find it funny will come back.. those who don't.. can wander away..
u can either be PC or funny... I vote for FUNNY!!! fuck politically correct... or isthat the politically incorrect thing to say.. lol

 

[Crudebug]

Easy now, I thought Tinker Bell was a doll baby.

Inflatable? lmao!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Why I Had to Change Hotels Last Week

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[DG Hear]

Perfect Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

[DG Hear]

Rude and Arrogant Americans

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat..
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window

 

[DG Hear]

Whaling on the High Seas

A pair of whales, a male and his mate were swimming along one day when they came upon a whaling vessel.
M: ''Oh shit!''
F: ''What is it?''
M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young whale and took him away!''
F: ''Oh that is fucked up!''
M: ''Hey listen, I got an idea. Let's surface, suck in all the air that we can and dive down under the boat. Then we'll blow it all out at once and tip it over!''
F: ''OK let's.''

So they both surfaced, sucked in all the air that they could hold, dived down underneath the boat and blew it all out as hard as they could.
Sure enough the boat capsized and all the sailors ended up in the water.
So the two were swimming away and looking back at the men frantically splashing around in the water.

M: ''Haha, that was pretty kool!''
F: ''Yeah, that was kool.''
M: "Hey I got another idea! Let's go back there and eat those motherfuckers!''
F: ''OK look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!''

 

[phoenixangel]

My mind not only wonders, sometimes it leaves completely. Once in a while i get a postcard.....

 

[phoenixangel]

say again?!

Silence is Golden, Duct tape is Silver.

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. No Hablo Inglese.

Theres a blonde sitting in a field, in a rowboat, with a lifejacket on, reading a book. Another blonde pulls up yelling "it's blondes like you that give us a bad name, and if i could swim out there, i'd kick you're ass!".

Q. how do you confuse a blonde?
A. tell her to alphabetize a bag of m&ms.

Q. what did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A. spot.

Q. what the blondes favorite rock group?
A. air supply

 

[DG Hear]

Heard this one at church this morning.
DG

Man goes to the doctor. He has a broken arm in sling.

"Doc, I broke my arm in two places. What should I do?"

"I suggest you stay out of those two places," replied the doc.

 

[DG Hear]

Age Vs Wisdom

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.


Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

[DG Hear]

Worldwide Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

 

[DG Hear]

French Prostitutes

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

 

[DG Hear]

Never Drink Baileys!!!!

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re Sitting there having a good time together, she
starts talking about this Really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:

1. A salt shaker,
2. A shot of Baileys,
3. A shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue.
Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.
And finally you drink the lime juice.'
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth, Rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this
is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits

2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles

3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits

4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul
tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

 

[DG Hear]

Just recieved this one, had to post it.
DG

Chinese restaurant

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly

and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around

before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,

explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'



( You're going to love this..... You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)








'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,

'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Just recieved this one, had to post it.
DG

Chinese restaurant

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly

and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around

before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,

explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'



( You're going to love this..... You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)








'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,

'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

LOL!! How cute!

 

[curl4ever]

The Lie Detector Robot...

> $5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to ...

Blonde Swimmer*...

Rude and Arrogant Americans...

Whaling on the High Seas...

"Doc, I broke my arm in two places. What should I do?"...

Worldwide Survey...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'....

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant....

Thanks DG and JackLuis! Very fun time catching up on the thread from the weekend!

 

[TE999]

Fall Classes: Women's Learning Center

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat: Power Point Demonstration and Hands-On Experience

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down or Whining About It For Three Hours? : Round Table Discussion.

Is It Possible To Drive By A Wal-Mart Without Stopping? - Group Discussion and Debate

Fundamental Differences Between A Handbag and A Suitcase - Pictures and Explanatory Demonstration

How To Ask Questions During The Commercials and Be Quiet During the Game - Help Line and Support Groups

How To Parallel Park In Less Than Twenty Minutes Without An Insurance Claim - Driving Instructors and Field Trips

Learning To Live: How To Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Against Seat Belt Harnesses - Simulator Demonstrations

I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials

How To Shop By Yourself - Demonstrations and Workshops

The Stove/Oven: What It Is and How To Use It. - Live Demonstrations

Fighting Cereberal Atrophy: Remembering the Shopping List and Avoiding Separate Trips For Each Item - Shock Therapy Available

Can A Bath Be Taken Without Fourteen Different Kinds Of Soaps and Shampoos? - Open Forum and Discussion Groups

Health Watch: They Make Medicine For PMS:Use It. - Group Discussions

Registration must be completed no later than October 31, 2009.


Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject matter, all classes will be limited to eight participants. No exceptions.

 

[DG Hear]

LOL!! How cute!

Trinique, happy to see you back on the threads. Take care.

Thanks DG and JackLuis! Very fun time catching up on the thread from the weekend!

Curl, Always a pleasure.

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat: Power Point Demonstration and Hands-On Experience

Tom, thanks for posting. Good to see other posts on the thread.

 

[DG Hear]

CDC Medical Alert

The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.

 

[DG Hear]

An army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.

"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.

"What happened?", his buddy asked.

"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."

"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned.

"Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!"

"Did you jump?"

"Well, a little at first."

 

[DG Hear]

REINCARNATION

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

 

[Crudebug]

My mind not only wonders, sometimes it leaves completely. Once in a while i get a postcard.....

Redirect it to me and I will send it back with my stamp on it...

 

[Crudebug]

J
Chinese restaurant

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant >>>>
>>>>The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
( You're going to love this..... You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

rotflmao...
good think the PEE-`KING' duck did not sprinkle them with his MAJESTY'S PEE..

or did not show up as PECKING Duck.. and peck away.. lol..