DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Thank you Curl for helping me stay on page 1.
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Bar Contest's
A guy walks into a bar to have a drink, noticing the horse behind the bar and the jar of money.
"What's with the Jar and the Horse?" asks the man.
"Well it's a contest, if you can make the horse laugh you win the jar of money."
The man walks over the and the horse after about 30 seconds starts laughing uncontrolably.
"Well you won go ahead and take it"
The man leaves with the money and about a week later decides to stop back in. Once again the horse is there with another jar of money.
"What is the Contest this time?"
"Well you have to make him cry."
So the man walks over and sure enough 30 seconds later the horse starts crying histericaly.
"Ok, you win but you gotta tell me how you did it."
"Well the first time I came in I told him the my dick was bigger than his, the second time I proved it."
A guy walks into a bar to have a drink, noticing the horse behind the bar and the jar of money.
"What's with the Jar and the Horse?" asks the man.
"Well it's a contest, if you can make the horse laugh you win the jar of money."
The man walks over the and the horse after about 30 seconds starts laughing uncontrolably.
"Well you won go ahead and take it"
The man leaves with the money and about a week later decides to stop back in. Once again the horse is there with another jar of money.
"What is the Contest this time?"
"Well you have to make him cry."
So the man walks over and sure enough 30 seconds later the horse starts crying histericaly.
"Ok, you win but you gotta tell me how you did it."
"Well the first time I came in I told him the my dick was bigger than his, the second time I proved it."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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The proctologist
A gay guy goes to his proctologist who discovers, to his surprise, a string dangling from the man's ass. He pulls on it and out pops a lovely bouquet of flowers.
"I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum!" exclaimed the doctor.
"Is that so?" said the patient. "Who are they from?"
A gay guy goes to his proctologist who discovers, to his surprise, a string dangling from the man's ass. He pulls on it and out pops a lovely bouquet of flowers.
"I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum!" exclaimed the doctor.
"Is that so?" said the patient. "Who are they from?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Oldie
Mickey, Minnie Goofy
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
Mickey, Minnie Goofy
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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The Apple iBoob
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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Loved 'em, DG! (Especially the iBoob!)
frisky-leo
Literotica Guru
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Female Drivers
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid." I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
~I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, thats 98 miles each day.
~Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
~That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
~Even tho the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.
~That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
~Statistically, half of these are driven by females, 18,000.
~In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
~According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
~According to National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
~And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
~According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
~~That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off?.............I think not.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid." I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
~I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, thats 98 miles each day.
~Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
~That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
~Even tho the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.
~That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
~Statistically, half of these are driven by females, 18,000.
~In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
~According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
~According to National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
~And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
~According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
~~That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off?.............I think not.
frisky-leo
Literotica Guru
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Smart Momma
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
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- 10,872
A manager had two employees, Mary and Jack. Upper management told him they were cutting back so he would have to lay off one of the two. The manager couldn't make up his mind which so he decided to come in really early the next morning and whomever arrived first would get the axe.
So the following morning the manager arrived in the office and waited. Mary arrived first. The manager called her into his office and said, "I terribly sorry, Mary, but I have to lay you or jack off."
Mary looked back at the manager and grinned. "Well, you better start pounding your weiner because I ain't putting out."
So the following morning the manager arrived in the office and waited. Mary arrived first. The manager called her into his office and said, "I terribly sorry, Mary, but I have to lay you or jack off."
Mary looked back at the manager and grinned. "Well, you better start pounding your weiner because I ain't putting out."
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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Nice one, Jenny! Thanks!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Had this before but it still makes me laugh.
Gary
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no!
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no again.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and then quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Gary
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no!
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no again.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and then quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Porn Music
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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Yes. Very cute! Thanks, DG.Mice in a Lightbulb
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they're small enough.
Come-on that was funny.
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Sometimes...
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF
LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I
CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED
HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY
WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY
BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE
WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED
MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH
SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
SON OF A BITCH ASKED....
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I
CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED
HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY
WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME
30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY
BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE
WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED
MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH
SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GRAY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
SON OF A BITCH ASKED....
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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- 6,689
Oldie
Hillarys OB-GYN
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
Hillarys OB-GYN
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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REMEMBERING THE GOOD OLE DAYS
When I was a kid my older cousin came over and asked me if I knew how to beat off? I said no and he told me how and I tried it and I told him how much I enjoyed doing it. So he tells me the bad news, you only get 500 of these and then your dick explodes. I was so afraid when I got to 499 the next day.
When I was a kid my older cousin came over and asked me if I knew how to beat off? I said no and he told me how and I tried it and I told him how much I enjoyed doing it. So he tells me the bad news, you only get 500 of these and then your dick explodes. I was so afraid when I got to 499 the next day.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Stiff ones
A highway patrolman stops a car for weaving in the road. He gives the beautiful woman a breathalyzer test and sure enough, she's over the limit. The trooper says, "Madam, you've had too many stiff ones." "Oh," says the shapely girl, "it shows that too?"
A highway patrolman stops a car for weaving in the road. He gives the beautiful woman a breathalyzer test and sure enough, she's over the limit. The trooper says, "Madam, you've had too many stiff ones." "Oh," says the shapely girl, "it shows that too?"
phoenixangel
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2009
- Posts
- 458
Q. why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A. she didnt want to get hearing aids!
A. she didnt want to get hearing aids!
Last edited:
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
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Q. why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A. she didnt want to get hearing aids!
Loved it! haha, Thanks for posting.
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Excuse Me
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
it. He turns around to
push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 204."
A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
it. He turns around to
push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 204."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
psychologist sex test
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture in all directions and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in all directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you are obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture in all directions and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in all directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you are obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
- Status
