Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People
>>>>> <<<<

hmmm don;t you think we should get this list ratified and certified so you canLay a Safe Bet that it is the truth. the hole ruth and nothing by the root..

rotflmao...
dunno whether to bet if she is fuming or chuckling.. but I can safely bet she is not only reading posts flagged with sexual orientation.. the obsessed tantrum queen is even more keenly reading my comments...

just drop laffs along these lines once in a while, so someone will keep patrolling and add to the chuckles..

 

[Crudebug]

Q: What is a cupboard full of lesbians called?

A: Licker cabinet.

hmmmm RP, very Interesting....

SB dahlin'... is that why lezzies say they are drunk on passion when they wobble after they gobble?
How cute... a cabinet in the closet... ~wink~ doncha worry sweet'art... your secretion's safe with me...
oh ooops... slippery tongue obviously... your secrets are safe with me...

 

[Crudebug]

Barack Obama is an old Kenyan word for Jimmy Carter.

Obama doesn't want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American taxpayers instead.

Why doesn't Obama pray?
It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

New Barack Channel (NBC)
Another Barack Channel (ABC)
My Seriously New Barack Channel (MSNBC)

What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
An Obama nation.

Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?
A. Karl Marx had way more experience.

holy molly... RP... bad enuff u make me laff with politically incorrect jokes...
Now you go an commit an Obamination....
errrrm... I mean Abomination....
The grapes of SB's wrath will rain down on your head and your umbrella will look like an upturned skirt... tsk tsk..

SB sweethear,, u gonna pounce on the Obama baiter.. or will you keep sharpening your claws for me...

 

[DesertPirate]

This particular Sunday sermon...

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,

"without you, we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment a little girl

asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[redpaint]

3 things which Microsoft can never explain
AMAZING !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!

Do it practically Then u 'll come to know........ ..

MAGIC #1
An Indian found that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the Computer
which can be named as "CON". This is something funny and inexplicable. At
Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!
TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE A "CON" FOLDER

MAGIC #2
For those of you using Windows, do the following:
1...) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.
Noticed the weird bug? No one can explain!

MAGIC #3
Again this is something funny and can't be explained. At Microsoft the
whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!
It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself.
Open Microsoft Word and type
=rand (200, 99)
And then press ENTER
And see the magic.

*/ 2nd one is not for vista. I think in vista microsoft solved the bug.

 

[DG Hear]

THE MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS:



"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened."

 

[redpaint]

THE MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS:



"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened."

Aint that the truth.

 

[Crudebug]

The Book of Obamination

The Sting Games Version of the BIBLE (Barak's Insane Bailout (to) Losing Enterprises )
A Psalm of Perfidy
By the Prophet of the (Re)Publicans
​

And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land called America, having lost their morals, their initiative, and their will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that person known as "The One".
He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them, "I am sent to save you. My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. For I shall save you with Hope and Change. Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who preceded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed."
And the people rejoiced, for even though they knew not what "The One" would do, he hadpromised that it was good; and they believed.
And "The One" said "We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!"
And the people said, "Hallelujah! Change is good!"
Then He said, "We are going to tax the rich fat-cats."
And the people said "Sock it to them!" "And redistribute their wealth."
And the people said, "Show us the money!"
And then He said, "Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody"
And Joe the plumber asked, "Are you kidding me? You're going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??"
And "The One" ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.
One lone reporter asked, "Isn't that Marxist policy?"
And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then a citizen asked, "With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will you deal with radical terrorists?"
And "The One" said, "Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!"
And the people said, "Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!"
Then "The One" said, "I shall give 95% of you lower taxes."
And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY taxes."
So "The One" said, "Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!"
And the people said, "Hallelujah!! Show us the money!"
Then "The One" said, "I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!"
And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
And He said, "I shall mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited healthcare and medicine and transportation to the clinics."
And the people said, "Give me some of that!"
Then he said, "I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas."
And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?"
Then "The One" said, "I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!"
And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don't care for that part about higher electric rates."
So "The One" said, "Not to worry. If your rebate isn't enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!"
Then He said, "Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing..."
And the people said, "Hallelujah!!" And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff. The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support.
Then "The One" said, "I am the "The One" - The Messiah - and I'm here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!"
But our foreign trading partners said unto Him, "Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more..."
And the people said, "Wait a minute. That is unfair!!"
And the world said, "Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!"
And the people cried out, "Alas, alas!! What have we done?"
But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon "The One" and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope.
And the Change "The One" had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built.
And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, "Give us back ou nation and our pride and our hope!!"
But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.

 

[DG Hear]

: PROFOUND STATEMENTS

In light of all that is going on in America, take a minute to read insights from many of our more notable statesmen-women from here and abroad. Very interesting to note that we face many of the same issues today, yet, still cannot grasp the most basic of simple truths!

 -----
Congress, as well as the American people should read and retain.........


1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. --
John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read
the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by
the handle .
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --
Douglas Casey Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic
Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see
what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14.. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much
money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the
other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature
is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald
Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save
Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. --
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson


We are all so concerned and pre-occupied with our daily issues and problems that we are sitting back and ignoring the damage being done to our nation. Our very liberties are being removed right under our noses and yet nothing is being done to stop them. Wake up America!

 

[Crudebug]

An(nu)al Test

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counsellor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

 

[Crudebug]

Wife: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to come in your mind?
Husband: I would Lay a Safe Bet to that you are a lesbian


SB Dahlin' recall this conversation before you ran away with my best friend just when she decided she was not running from, but had run out of men .. ? sighh..
Do you plan of cumming back? I promise I will not hide the strap-on...
muaaaah - CB

 

[Crudebug]

cum all he that are NOT weary

There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming, "If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent."
Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, "If NOT weary, call Sherry at 555-3550."

At the same revival meeting.. another Banner proclaimed:
JESUS SAVES

below which a poster was pinned:
If he can save, he must be exempt from taxes

 

[Crudebug]

Ms. A.S.S

The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Miss Agnes S. Stevens, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her initials.

 

[Crudebug]

Can't get over you..

"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll ever be able to get over you -- ....so... would you mind answering the phone?"

 

[Crudebug]

Rustling up breakfast

The co-ed cutie returned to the sorority house after her first breakfast date at a neighbouring fraternity with her steady boyfriend. Asked what she had, she replied dreamily, "Him and eggs."

hmmm SB Dahlin' I think you should skip reading his one.. Can I Lay a Safe Bet half this breakfast spread is off YOUR Menu,,,
until u resume ur diet of Him, u will have to stick to swallowing eggs
Should u change your mind about enjoying breakfast in bed... just let ur sweetheart CB know...

 

[Crudebug]

Revenge Stinks, leaving a bad taste in the mouth

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush

 

[Crudebug]

The perky bride returned home with an ultra-Mod, clear-plastic mini-dress and held it up for her stodgy husband's approval.
"Why, you can see right through it," the astonished husband gasped.
"No you can't, silly," she answered. "Not when I'm in it."

 

[Crudebug]

Solomon, the VICE

Two venerable citizens were talking about King Solomon. "That old Solomon, he was a mighty wise King," mused one of them. "All those wives and concubines; you know sometimes I wonder how he arranged to provide the necessary food for all those women."
"How he fed all those women doesn't interest me," said the second man, "I just wonder what he was eating himself."

 

[redpaint]

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute

 

[redpaint]

Rules Of Washington

If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

There is always one more son of a bitch than you counted on.

An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Chicken little only has to be right once.

"NO" is only an interim response.

You can't kill a bad idea.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The truth is a variable.

A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

A promise is not a guarantee.

If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

 

[curl4ever]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
...
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
...
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
...

...
And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...

1. Relax, we don't want you!

...
5. The Main Reason That Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.
...
9. If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?
...
19. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?
...
25. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word Lisp To Have 's' In It?
...

Many thanks, redpaint! I still can't wipe the grin off my face from that stunning string of funnies!

 

[Crudebug]

A bear, a lion and a pig meet in the forest.
The bear said, "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
The Lion said, "If I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire Savannah is shivering with fear."
The pig said, "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."

 

[Crudebug]

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

 

[Crudebug]

For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. It used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty, that I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to go see the doctor." I said, "All right, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible cold, but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no underwear. That's the reason she got this cold, is on account she don't wear no underwear--got that?" "Right oh," said the doctor.
So I, like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office. Doctor says, "Soph, open up your mouth and say 'ahh'".
I opened my mouth I said 'ahh'.
He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no underwear."
I said, "I beg your pardon, doctor."
He said to me, "Soph you ain't wearing no underwear."
I said, "Doc, you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?"
He said, "That's right Soph."
I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight!"

 

[DG Hear]

Crude and Red! You are both on a roll, Thanks for posting. Curl, thank you for acknowledging The humor of others. It is what makes posting jokes and humor worth while, knowing others are enjoying them. Keep it up all, haha.