Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Thanks to all the posters. It makes the thread a lot more fun to read when I see someone beside me posting. Thanks again all and keep up the jokes, humor and comments.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

The Blonde Waitress

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He
said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE...........


She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

 

[DG Hear]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said: 'I'm a one wish-genie. So ... what'll it be?'

The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and America and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.'

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please ... be reasonable.

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know ~ one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man.'

The genie let out a long sigh and said ... 'Let me see the freaking map again.'

 

[Crudebug]

Is there any Guy who laid a safe bet and gotten unlucky?
However there is a rumour that women can lay a safe bet and cum up winners.
i think they tend to any call such a wager a sure bet.. lol..

Is gambling, or rambling a sin?

 

[redpaint]

Good Grief! This is a true story!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/20000929/aponline124748_000.htm

Yip it sure is.

 

[DG Hear]

Golf Lessons

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead."

 

[DG Hear]

Gyno

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes' which is what I came here about in the first place."

 

[Safe_Bet]

WARNING:​

This thread contains racist, bigoted, homophobic and/or gender biased humor intended, by the posters, to insult and denigrate others.

They also often attempt to pass themselves off as “Christians.”, but are no more “true” Christians than is Fred Phelps.


If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20

My name be Kenesha LaTeesha Williams.

I an African-American Girl who just got an award for being the bess speler in class. I got 67 on the speling tess plust 30 point for being black 5 point for not bringin drugs to class 5 point for not bringin guns to class and 5 point for not gettin pregnut during the cemester. It be hard to beat a score of 120.

Da white boy who sit nex to me is McGee from Macon .. He got a 94 on the tess but no extra point on acount of he have da same skin color as the opressirs.

Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberuls for suportin afermative action. You be showin da way to true eqwallity.

I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo docter when Barrac take over da healtcare in dis cuntry.

 

[Crudebug]

awww my lovely lezzie...
to know they are outrageous, it means you ARE reading them...
which makes it feel soooooooo good to post, knowing t will grab your attention and then you will advertise it and make even more read iit..
Here's a kiss (from CB to SB) for your free publicity.. and please make sure you keep bumping the thread with the joke of the day in your quote..
am so glad u rose to the bait... I'll soon dangle some more

You better not stop posting, or I'll die of boredom..
Not yanking your cord yet.. just a lil tug from a bug.. rrrrotflmao

 

[Crudebug]

My girlfriend told me that her sexy best friend has become a lesbian.
I asked her what was it about men that turned off such a hottie..
She replied.. oh no.. she was not turned off.. She simply ran out of men..

Ahhh now we know why the insatiable nymphos eventually start cannibalizing their own tribe when they devour one dick too many and partake of lil kittens..
ummm i mean.. pussies..

 

[Crudebug]

Quotes / One-liners on KISS

I’ve tried everything but coprophagia and necrophilia, and I like kissing best.

A kiss is an application in the top floor for a job in the basement.

I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I’ve never had time for tobacco since.

I feel great… and I kiss even better.

It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.

Oh innocent victims of Cupid,
Remember this terse little verse,
To let a fool kiss you is stupid,
To let a kiss fool you is worse.

With lips like those, Mick Jagger could French kiss a horse.

Buy me a Mercedes and I’ll make that neck look like a relief map of the Andes.

Kissing Edwina Currie was like kissing a can opener.

When women kiss, it always reminds me of prize-fighters shaking hands.
(ummm I'd wager a safe bet that someone is girding their loins over this and spitting fire.. lol )

He kissed her once by the pigsty when she wasn’t looking and never kissed her again although she was looking all the time.

How about a Spanish kiss under the mistletoe. It’s like a French kiss, only a little further south.

People who throw kisses are mighty hopelessly lazy.

I wasn’t kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.

 

[Crudebug]

A heavily bandaged man was sitting up in bed in hospital when his friend walked in. `What happened to you?”
Patient: `Well, we went to Alton Towers and decided to ride the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was too small to make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go on round again, but we went around so quickly that I still couldn’t see what the sign said. By now I was determined to read that sign, so I went round for the third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in my car to get a better view.’
Friend: `And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?’
Patient: `Yes. “Remain seated at all times” ‘

 

[Crudebug]

This post is not by ACCIDENT

I had a terrible accident. I had the right of way, but the other guy had the Mack Truck.

Dodo died, Dodi died, Di Died, Dando died.. Surely Dido’s looking a bit worried..

Every time my wife has an accident in the kitchen, I get it for dinner.

He’s so unlucky that he gets into accidents that started to happen to someone else.

I never had an accident until 1997. ..
Then I got a car..

He had a terrible accident.
He flew the plane into the tunnel without checking the train timetable.

Have you ever had a car accident?
Well, I met my wife at a petrol station… Does that count?

 

[Crudebug]

Safety Tips

To avoid scalding your hand in hot water, feel the water first before putting your hands in.

When you drop cigarette ash on the carpet, spill a little of your beer to prevent a fire.

 

[DG Hear]

Isn't it funny how some people can say, 'It's wrong to joke or make fun of others. It's hate speech and you are a racist, among other things," but at the same time they are doing exactly the same thing, not even knowing the people they are talking about. Calling them all whatever they please because they disagree with them.

I guess it's like the parents that say do as I say, not as I do.

Sure glad Lit has an ignore button. Only have once person on it but it sure makes it nicer to read this thread.

 

[Crudebug]

Accountants

Q: What happens when you cross a transatlantic aircraft with an accountant?
A: A BORING 747

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An accountant suffering from insomnia and goes to see a doctor.
`Doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.'
`Have you tried counting sheep?'
`That's the problem. ... I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.'

 

[Crudebug]

Isn't it funny how some people can say, 'It's wrong to joke or make fun of others. It's hate speech and you are a racist, among other things," but at the same time they are doing exactly the same thing, not even knowing the people they are talking about. Calling them all whatever they please because they disagree with them.

I guess it's like the parents that say do as I say, not as I do.

Sure glad Lit has an ignore button. Only have once person on it but it sure makes it nicer to read this thread.

hey DG... you ain't missing nothing...
Just a repeat of a post from a person with a limited vocab on a broken record..
let's say I was right when I placed a safe bet that someone would rise to the bait when i dangled the joke on the aspiring African-American future doktor.. lol...

I'll keep Laying a safe bet on getting a response for a while.. before I eventually join those dropping a tantrum queen in the iggy bin

 

[redpaint]

hey DG... you ain't missing nothing...
Just a repeat of a post from a person with a limited vocab on a broken record..
let's say I was right when I placed a safe bet that someone would rise to the bait when i dangled the joke on the aspiring African-American future doktor.. lol...

I'll keep Laying a safe bet on getting a response for a while.. before I eventually join those dropping a tantrum queen in the iggy bin

 

[redpaint]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

[redpaint]

Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People

10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.

9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.

8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.

7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.

6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.

5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!

4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.

3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time -- yes, he is.

2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.

And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...

1. Relax, we don't want you!

 

[redpaint]

Q: What is a cupboard full of lesbians called?

A: Licker cabinet.

 

[redpaint]

1. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

2. Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

3. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts Of God?

4. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes?

5. The Main Reason That Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

6. I Went To A Book Store And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

7. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?

8. If A Deaf Person Signs Swear Words, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap?

9. If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

10. Is There Another Word For Synonym?

11. Where Do Forest Rangers Go To 'get Away From It All?'

12. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant?

13. If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?

14. Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

15. Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

16. If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

17. Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?

18. If The Police Arrest A Mute, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?

19. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

20. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.

21. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?

22. If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?

23. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?

24. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

25. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word Lisp To Have 's' In It?

26. Why Are Haemorrhoids Called Haemorrhoids Instead Of Assteroids?

27. Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

28. Why Is There An Expiration Date On Sour Cream?

29. If You Spin An Oriental Person In A Circle Three Times Do They Become Disoriented?

 

[redpaint]

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U. Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

 

[redpaint]

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

 

[redpaint]

Barack Obama is an old Kenyan word for Jimmy Carter.




Obama doesn't want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American taxpayers instead.




Why doesn't Obama pray?

It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.



New Barack Channel (NBC)

Another Barack Channel (ABC)

My Seriously New Barack Channel (MSNBC)



What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?

An Obama nation.




Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?

A. Karl Marx had way more experience.