Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Question

If a women is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

(A) You need more time together
(B) She's a prude
(C) She should of sat elsewhere on the bus

 

[DesertPirate]

Historical Origin of The "Finger"

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

Don't know if it's true, don't care, I got a grin

 

[DG Hear]

Doggy Style Joke

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well not exactly," his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."�

"Oh, I see, so she's a bit kinky?" he asked curiously.

"Well not exactly, I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

 

[DG Hear]

Is That Your Final Answer?

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes."

...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

He's now recovering in the hospital after being hit on the head with the telephone, numerous times.

 

[DG Hear]

Relatives

Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"

Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."

 

[redpaint]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[redpaint]

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

"When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?"

"Why, yes I did."

"And did you use my name?"

"Why, yes how did you know?"

"Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

 

[redpaint]

Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) A regular ass

(__!__) A fat ass

(__)(__) A "wide load" ass

(!) A tight ass

(_*_) A sore ass

{_!_} A swishy ass

(_o_) An ass that's been around

(_x_) Kiss my ass

(_X_) Leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) A tired ass

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass

(_?_) Dumb ass

(_Lame_) Lame ass

(_jack_) Jackass

(_-$_) Cheap ass

(_0_) A Prison ass

(_) Half ass

(®^? Registered ass

(__|___) Lop sided ass

(_:_) 2 holed ass

(_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)

(Mom)(__) Tattooed ass

(_)||(_) Fucked ass

()() Ass print on a window

( * * ) Ass with dimples

(_X X_) A kicked ass

(_%_) An average ass

(_$_) A rich ass

[_!_] A hard ass

 

[redpaint]

Funny Horoscopes


TARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

 

[redpaint]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

 

[DG Hear]

Woman Talks, Man Hears

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Sounds good to me

 

[DG Hear]

By The Way....

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

 

[DG Hear]

Viagra and Food

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

 

[curl4ever]

Woman Talks, Man Hears

...

By The Way....

...

Viagra and Food

...

Three great ones! Thanks, DG!

 

[scotsmitch2001]

Boy and girl ina swimming pool
"Im going to duck you" says the boy
"dont be silly" says the girl "you cant even say it properly

 

[redpaint]

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV
as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the
TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood a man.
The man said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her
boyfriend.”
Grandma’s minister fainted.

 

[redpaint]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

[redpaint]

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

 

[DG Hear]

Hypnotist at the Senior Center:

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show.

Claude, the hypnotist, exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its' polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.

It took over three days to clean up the Senior Center ...

 

[redpaint]

My sister bought her five-year old daughter, Rebecca, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Rebecca was at school, he disappeared again.

My sister searched frantically, but sadly, never found the little critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Rebecca, my sister took the cage out of her room.

When Rebecca came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap.

"We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage along."

 

[redpaint]

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

 

[redpaint]

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog...this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner, "If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!"

The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart...and the bartender and patrons are loving it.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a dentist."

 

[redpaint]

Bill and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.

"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city... in Philadelphia."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Geez, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

"So what? I hate bees."

 

[redpaint]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

 

[DG Hear]

Some cute stuff Red! Thanks for posting to the thread.
DG