Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Thanks John, I just got around to reading some of the jokes on sight. Some cute stuff. Thanks for posting.
DG

My agent (who's a leader of the Orthodox community in his city), just sent me a link about an incredible film project called "Old Jews Telling Jokes." You have to be over 60, Jewish, and tell your favorite joke.

The article about the project gives a little background and the website itself has videos of old Jews telling really funny jokes. (They update the current video twice a week. Look at some of the older ones, too. There's some boffo stuff.)

I phoned my aunt with a joke from one of the older videos ("Schmuck"--my fave so far!) and she said "And you're sorry that you're not old enough for this yet, right?" I allowed as to how the thought had crossed my mind.

 

[DG Hear]

*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...


Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident.

12 years later, Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.


Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....


"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel..."

 

[DG Hear]

Should have gotten a second opinion

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 

[DG Hear]

Very Funny Conversations Between Pilots and Control Towers
Enjoy....

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f..ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

************************************************************************************************** **
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

******************************************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a Ger man, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts.. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to20go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

 

[DG Hear]

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '

I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '

'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches. '

 

[DG Hear]

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now
The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,

Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H High blood pressure--I'd rather it low

I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill, I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tintinitus, bells in my ears!
U is for urinary, troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.



W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

 

[ms.read]

dem airplane jokes is real funny

 

[DG Hear]

dem airplane jokes is real funny

...and thank you for commenting.

 

[DG Hear]

Huge Insect

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."

 

[DG Hear]

Bath Night
A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes ougt to darts," she said. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Hawaii Vacation
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but it's been awhile.
DG

Be Strong
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

[curl4ever]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Thanks for all the great jokes, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

An Important Message About Growing Old!!!​

*
Shit

I Forgot What
I was going to tell you.​

 

[DG Hear]

Party of Emotions

A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions.

So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue.

"You were supposed to dress up as an emotion" states the doorman.

"We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion."

Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough.

The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing.

"Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!"

To which the couple reply, "We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in."

Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.

Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it.

The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, "I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner."

To which the black man responds in a thick Jamaican accent, "Actually I was invited!"

"Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion."

The black guy says, "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!"

 

[DG Hear]

The 5 Fruits - Which would you pick?​

THIS IS QUITE REMARKABLE...

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it.

They are:

A.. Apple
B. Banana
C. Strawberry
D. Peach
E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose?
Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded!

Your choice reveals a lot about you!


Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN;








If you have chosen:


A. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
B. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
C. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
D. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
E. Orange : That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges


Also I bet that right now you would like to find Me and Kick my ASS!

Well, You won't find me...because I am still hunting down The ASS
Who sent this to me...

 

[Crudebug]

Pssst, Asshole: I'm not a Christian, nor have I ever claimed to be, so take those stupid assumptions of yours, and stick'em right up your ugly old white ass, mm-kay?

Then what business have you got ASSUMING what DG or the others think or intend to convey in THEIR Posts..
So along with my assumptions you can stick them right back not up your ass.. but into your mouth.,. for the crap you spew when you speak stinks a lot more then the stuff your incontinent crack could leak..
And for one more assumption you need to stick where the sun don't shine.. is the COLOUR OF MY ASS.. I invite to come and kiss it and take a good close up look with your blinkers of prejudice removed,,,
How many guesses do you want before I take of the blindfold and let you admire the colour of my gloryhole in all its glory..

Still cloudy? Or is ur brains getting fried by too much sunshine when it peeks out of the clouds? When the foggy clouds are penetrated by the light and heat.. it can have strange effects as you are so perfectly demonstrating..
Feel sorry for whoever has to put up with you.. poor bloke must be all bruised
and battered from all those flying saucers and saucepans,.

Come to think of it.. please keep posting your eruptions..
Parts of your idiotic retarded ranting is actually funnier than some of the jokes posted here..
Or are you really trying to make us laugh.. if so,, you are doing a marvellous job honey.. and I could kiss you for the chuckles you bring me with every post of yours

 

[DG Hear]

Calm down Crude, my friend. Although I know how you feel. I get tired of the shit too but now I don't waste my time on people like that.

Here, have a joke instead.
DG


A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Ivy .Ivy.':

'Is that you, Richard?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona !

(I had to wonder if this was a married couple and if she wondered who he was having all this sex with. haha)
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

[Handley_Page]

Strange Hospital Chart Notations

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

[Crudebug]

Calm down Crude, my friend. Although I know how you feel. I get tired of the shit too but now I don't waste my time on people like that.
DG

lmao.. just yanking the cord of one trapped with a combo of hot flashes and PMS.. I was just bored.. and so thot.. a response might kill time..
We all know.. none of us give a rat's ass to any loony ranting and raving..
I was just making sport.. and might or might not respond to her.. depending on how bored I am.. I thot it would add to part of the humour.. of course... to those who can see the funny sides..
Love the jokes.. and is fun playing catch up on coming back online...

 

[DesertPirate]

lmao.. just yanking the cord of one trapped with a combo of hot flashes and PMS.. I was just bored.. and so thot.. a response might kill time..
We all know.. none of us give a rat's ass to any loony ranting and raving..
I was just making sport.. and might or might not respond to her.. depending on how bored I am.. I thot it would add to part of the humour.. of course... to those who can see the funny sides..
Love the jokes.. and is fun playing catch up on coming back online...

It was funny Crude, I got bored with her awhile back myself. Only so much you can do with a moron. Glad someone else took up the flag.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Okay, in the interest of diversity (of which I know you are a BIG fan ) let's include some slightly different jokes...

HOMOPHOBIC QUESTIONNAIRE

1. What do you think caused your homophobia?

2. When and how did you decide you were a homophobic?

3. Is it possible that your homophobia is just a phase that you may grow out of?

4. Is it possible that your homophobia stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

6. Do your parents know that you are homophobic? Do your friends and/or roommates know?

7. Why do you insist on flaunting your homophobia? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

8. Why do homophobics place so much emphasis on sex?

9. Why do homophobics feel so compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?

13. Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest of sexually transmitted disease. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

14. How can you expect to become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

16. Could you trust a homophobic therapist to be objective? Don't you feel that (s)he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own orientation?

17. There seem to be very few happy homophobics. Techniques have been developed that might enable you change if you really want to. Have you ever considered aversion therapy?

18. Would you want your child to be homophobic, knowing the problems (s)he would face?

19. Seeing as how God make homosexuals, don't you think it is wrong to insult, disparage and make fun of their orientation?

20. What does the verse from John 4:20 say about homophobes? "If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen."


Yeah, I didn't find this very funny either...

 

[redpaint]

What Men Should Never Say After Sex

1) “I was kidding about being sterile, you know.”

2) “Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?”

3) “How come it’s so BIG in there?”

4) “You’ve done this with a lotta guys before—right?”

5) “Next time I come over, don’t bother with the underwear, OK?”

6) (Sniff, sniff) “Is that CAT food?”

7) (Yelling) “OK guys, it’s a wrap, cut, and print it!!”

8) “You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!”

9) “My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.”

10) “Do you know what a ‘douche’ is ?”

11) “Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.

12) “I want you to try some of MY deodorant.”

13) “I’m not into relationships. Can’t we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?”

14) “Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!”

15) “I never saw a girl with hairy t-i-t-s before !”

16) “I’ve been getting these little blisters lately——-”

17) “You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?”

18) “You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!”