Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Since I've been called a bigot and worse; does anyone have any good gay jokes? I guess I'll have to go hunt up some so Cloudy and Safe Bet won't be considered liers. Sorry for all of the readers of the thread who come here for laughs.

There are always a couple of assholes (oops, excuse me) posters who want to push their agenda on others. You can post any kind of jokes and humor you want here. No way for me to delete them.
DG

Now back to our regular programming.

 

[DG Hear]

Posted before, but it is funny.

The teacher asks the first grade students what kind of medicines they know
and what they are used for. The first pupil: "Tylenol?"
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?"
Pupil: "It is used for headaches."

Second pupil: "Nytol, Teacher."
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?"
Pupil: “To help you sleep."

Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: "Viagra."
Teacher: “Johnny, what do you think is it used for?"
Johnny: "It can be used for diarrhea."

Teacher: "Who told you this?"
Johnny: "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ...
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.

 

[DG Hear]

Little girl asked a Call Girl: “Ma’am, you own a car, a big house and a large bank balance which business do you do?”

Call Girl: “I have small ‘hole’ sale business.”

 

[DG Hear]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'


So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we d o monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[Crudebug]

Real Christians don't hate and aren't bigots. Might wanna revisit what it means to be a Christian. It certainly doesn't mean being a bigot, which you clearly are.
I don't consider belittling other people "fun," but then...I don't have to put others down to make myself feel better, either.
If you're anything like a normal representative of Christianity, no wonder people are abandoning it in droves.

By God... isn;t this a bigotry about bigots?
rrrrrotflmao... didn'tcha ear my lil duckie doll...
If it is forbidden to forbid, then it is forbidden to forbid forbidding...

By the time (if able and willing to) u can unwind the turban of your talebanised thots around that logic.. come and sit on my lap and I'll explain how to laugh WITH people and NOT AT them.. so you will finally see we do not bash anyone.. even if it seems so to blinkered blonddddds... As for Christian or Buddhist or any goddamm religious, sexual, racial, gender, age, etc, etc, sensibilities of politically incorrect jokes.. if you don’t like the dishes served here and can't digest the humour bones of those posting here.. then git that purdy lil butt in some cave with a monk meditating in it..
Religion has no place in humour.. can't remember seeing the pope crack a smile,, let alone a joke..
But you betcha sweetass doll... humour can find a place anywhere.. and the best way to enjoy it, is to get that sense as warped as possible..
Who gives a damn if people are abandoning religion when it was religion which abandons them in their times of need..
if that does not clear your muddled mind. buzz off.. sell that spiel somewhere else.. no one's buying here..
got a joke.. share it.. if not.. clam up... we don’t care if some one does not like a joke.. none are directed to any member here.. and only member bashing is banned..
Darling.. no one is being put down.. using a stereotype is stick in trade for humour and many times even comes from within the same target group.. for example, it was delicately awkward to joke about black presidents till Obama himself broke the ice.. and now stand-ups are not ill at ease.. it is another matter that Obama is not too gaffe prone and is making it hard for the comics to get a handle on him.. just give them time.. lol..
So now, sit back, relax, enjoy the jibes and ignore the vibes..
laughter is the best medicine.. to be taken in large doses.. swallow in huge gulps, not in selective sips.. lmao…

psssst CLOUDY… mebbe ur views are a mite too clouded.. when u told DG he should be FUCKING ASHAMED of himself.. careful before you cast stones.. `REAL CHRISTIANS’ don’t swear with SEXUAL EXPLETIVES.. and only FAKE Christians like you don’t turn the other cheek and instead go about slapping people with caustic remarks when it is none of your business on how they find a way to smile.. so save us the bleeding salvation babble and swear all you like AT the JOKE and not AT the Jokester… if you still have a problem.. get out and stay out.. this is not a Bible study Sunday school class and from your colourful vocabulary.. you ain’t a Sunday School teacher with a goddam halo.. CAPISH?

 

[Crudebug]

one bright day in the middle of the night

I'm Joe Friday, private eye. I work on Tuesday, Tuesday's my secretary.
Yesterday I was working in my New York office when there was a knock at the door, scared me half out of my secretary.
Then a tall blonde walked by, I knew she was tall 'cause we were on the 7th floor.
The phone rang. It was a client. I knew something was wrong because she told me there was.
I raced down the stairs, called a taxi, the taxi stopped with a jerk, the jerk got out and I got in.
We took the corner at 80 miles an hour. A cop stopped us and told us to put it back.
Then we were driving on the sidewalk because there was a sign that said "keep deaths off the roads."
We were getting further out of the city. I knew this because we weren't hitting so many pedestrians.
When I got to my client's house she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took her cigarette out and kissed me again.
There was a man on the floor. He had bullet wounds to the head and stab wounds to the heart. He was dead so we went for a drive in the country.
Then a brick came through the window, hit her on the left breast and broke four of my fingers.
We got a flat tire. She pumped and I pumped, she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the tire.
When we got back to my clients house she invited me in for a root beer. The root was nice but the beer was flat.
I was giving her a goodnight kiss but she closed her legs and broke my glasses.

 

[Crudebug]

Advice to Men

1. The reason our bras don’t always match our underwear is because we actually change our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we’re watching football with you, it’s not bonding. We’re watching because of the cute butts.
4. Don’t fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
5. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
6. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
7. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.
8. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "Who’s easy?"
9. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay. We dont' care.
10. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
11. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

 

[Safe_Bet]

WARNING:​

DG Hear is a hate monger who tries to use bigoted, homophobic humor to denigrate those that he despises. He attempts to pass himself off as a “Christian” but his constant transgender, gay and lesbian bashing makes him no more of a “true” Christian than is Fred Phelps.

If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20

I just thought of something funny, Safe Bet dating one of the guy****** above. It made me smile. Not sure how Cloudy would handle the situation? I gotta admit, they are some good looking guys.

 

[Crudebug]

lmao... thet idea of dating was more that a safe bet...
it was a SURE BET.. rotflmao...
And i think when it is cloudy the best way to handle it would be take matters into a hand.. and give a lil squeeze now and then.. hee hee

What do we call those who hate, hate mongers..
A Losing Bet

 

[DesertPirate]

Just because you pull this bullshit out of your ass doesn't make it true. If you knew even the slightest thing about me, you'd know that I see Jesse Jackson as the first attention whore. He's a clown...much like you and your whiny friends are fast becoming.

Take your psyco attack mentallity elsewhere, it has been pleasant without you lately.

 

[DesertPirate]

By God... isn;t this a bigotry about bigots?
rrrrrotflmao... didn'tcha ear my lil duckie doll...
If it is forbidden to forbid, then it is forbidden to forbid forbidding...

By the time (if able and willing to) u can unwind the turban of your talebanised thots around that logic.. come and sit on my lap and I'll explain how to laugh WITH people and NOT AT them.. so you will finally see we do not bash anyone.. even if it seems so to blinkered blonddddds... As for Christian or Buddhist or any goddamm religious, sexual, racial, gender, age, etc, etc, sensibilities of politically incorrect jokes.. if you don’t like the dishes served here and can't digest the humour bones of those posting here.. then git that purdy lil butt in some cave with a monk meditating in it..
Religion has no place in humour.. can't remember seeing the pope crack a smile,, let alone a joke..
But you betcha sweetass doll... humour can find a place anywhere.. and the best way to enjoy it, is to get that sense as warped as possible..
Who gives a damn if people are abandoning religion when it was religion which abandons them in their times of need..
if that does not clear your muddled mind. buzz off.. sell that spiel somewhere else.. no one's buying here..
got a joke.. share it.. if not.. clam up... we don’t care if some one does not like a joke.. none are directed to any member here.. and only member bashing is banned..
Darling.. no one is being put down.. using a stereotype is stick in trade for humour and many times even comes from within the same target group.. for example, it was delicately awkward to joke about black presidents till Obama himself broke the ice.. and now stand-ups are not ill at ease.. it is another matter that Obama is not too gaffe prone and is making it hard for the comics to get a handle on him.. just give them time.. lol..
So now, sit back, relax, enjoy the jibes and ignore the vibes..
laughter is the best medicine.. to be taken in large doses.. swallow in huge gulps, not in selective sips.. lmao…

psssst CLOUDY… mebbe ur views are a mite too clouded.. when u told DG he should be FUCKING ASHAMED of himself.. careful before you cast stones.. `REAL CHRISTIANS’ don’t swear with SEXUAL EXPLETIVES.. and only FAKE Christians like you don’t turn the other cheek and instead go about slapping people with caustic remarks when it is none of your business on how they find a way to smile.. so save us the bleeding salvation babble and swear all you like AT the JOKE and not AT the Jokester… if you still have a problem.. get out and stay out.. this is not a Bible study Sunday school class and from your colourful vocabulary.. you ain’t a Sunday School teacher with a goddam halo.. CAPISH?

Possibly the most accurate words on this site!

 

[john-the-author]

Old Jews Telling Jokes

My agent (who's a leader of the Orthodox community in his city), just sent me a link about an incredible film project called "Old Jews Telling Jokes." You have to be over 60, Jewish, and tell your favorite joke.

The article about the project gives a little background and the website itself has videos of old Jews telling really funny jokes. (They update the current video twice a week. Look at some of the older ones, too. There's some boffo stuff.)

I phoned my aunt with a joke from one of the older videos ("Schmuck"--my fave so far!) and she said "And you're sorry that you're not old enough for this yet, right?" I allowed as to how the thought had crossed my mind.

 

[DesertPirate]

My agent (who's a leader of the Orthodox community in his city), just sent me a link about an incredible film project called "Old Jews Telling Jokes." You have to be over 60, Jewish, and tell your favorite joke.

The article about the project gives a little background and the website itself has videos of old Jews telling really funny jokes. (They update the current video twice a week. Look at some of the older ones, too. There's some boffo stuff.)

I phoned my aunt with a joke from one of the older videos ("Schmuck"--my fave so far!) and she said "And you're sorry that you're not old enough for this yet, right?" I allowed as to how the thought had crossed my mind.

That is absolutely great!

 

[Boxlicker101]

Real Christians don't hate and aren't bigots. Might wanna revisit what it means to be a Christian. It certainly doesn't mean being a bigot, which you clearly are.

I don't consider belittling other people "fun," but then...I don't have to put others down to make myself feel better, either.

If you're anything like a normal representative of Christianity, no wonder people are abandoning it in droves.

Actually, he's not insulting or belittling anybody, and is actually complimenting the people in the photos. They are apparently men who are female impersonators, who may or may not be gay, and he is pointing out what a good job they are doing, and how much they look like attractive women.

 

[DG Hear]

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:

--PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

--COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

--BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.

--ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.

--NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

--FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.

--FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

--LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.

source : Google

 

[DG Hear]

An Old one but I remember celebrating it.

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

 

[DG Hear]

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

[DG Hear]

Cat on a Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

 

[DesertPirate]

This brought a tear to my eye!
Hope this touches you the way it touched me!

"GOODBYE MOM"

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85", said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Now you know why there is a tear in my eye. -- You can't trust little Old Ladies anymore!

 

[DG Hear]

Wrong way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

 

[DG Hear]

The Cab Driver

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

 

[cloudy]

.....

 

[DG Hear]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting in living room when the husband said,

"I'll bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad
at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"How much you're willing to bet?"

"One hundred rupees!" said the boisterous husband.

"That's all?" inquired the wife.

"OK, two hundred."

"Not too sure of yourself, are you?" teased the wife.

The hubby announced, "Five hundred!"

The wife said, "Your cock is bigger than your brother's."

 

[DG Hear]

Misundersandings

Took me awhile to figure this out but of course, I'm old. haha

Q: "Who won the Formula One in 1984?"
A: "Lauda"

Q: "Who won the Formula One in 1984?"
A: "Lauda"

Q:"Who won the Formula One in 1984?"
A: "Lauda"

Q: "Who won the Formula One in 1984?"
A: "Lauda"

Q: "Who won the Formula One in 1984?"
A: "Lauda"...

Q: "Deaf Bastard!"
A: "Stupid Cunt!"

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but still funny
DG

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!