Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

>>>A local radio station are holding a competition for an upcoming edition of the English dictionary.
<<<<
"Tsme again. Garn get yourself fucked!"<<<

GARN, get me the number of the radio station and I will try my luck at the car too... lmao

 

[Crudebug]

My father began teaching business classes >>>>>
>
>
>

>>>.As we passed, I was mortified when David said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"

Bewitching us with a spell of smiles.. aren't ya..
Stir that cauldron and sprinkle some more jokes to keep us charmed...

 

[doormouse]

You know you're getting old when... your friends say they love your new alligator shoes, and you have bare feet.

 

[doormouse]

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

 

[Crudebug]

>>>>
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Could she be Monica's cousin by any chance?

 

[Crudebug]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up to my friend Sally at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to the supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

 

[curl4ever]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up to my friend Sally at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
...

Very, very funny! (Truly outstandingly surprise ending.)
Thanks, Crudebug!

 

[DesertPirate]

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved..' The confused girl returned to her mother and said,' Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Are you a Collingwood fan who's depressed and feeling miserable? Then call our hotline now on 0800 10 10 10. That's 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing.

__________________-


Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one the the little kids. The dog was on top of the kid scratching and biting him so his mate picked up a stick and started to bash the dog with it. Well in the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed it.

A news reporter witnissed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy " that was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."

So the lady started to think of a headline....

"Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy i am not a carlton supporter.

"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy i am not an essendon supporter either. so the lady asked who he barracked for and he said collingwood.

The next days headlines where " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"

 

[Crudebug]

Very, very funny! (Truly outstandingly surprise ending.)
Thanks, Crudebug!

Yup... truly outstanding for an `under'standing dwarf..
I hope Snowwhite did not smell like a fish market to her seven buddies...

 

[Crudebug]

Was in a chat room a few minutes ago..
This is how one very brief conversation ended..

Guy: where u from?
Gal: From dad's penis and mom's PUSSY.. take ur pick..

was a while before the rotflmao smileys stopped cascading into the window.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Was in a chat room a few minutes ago..
This is how one very brief conversation ended..

Guy: where u from?
Gal: From da's penis and mom's PUSSY.. take ur pick..

was a while before the rotflmao smileys stopped cascading into the window.

I thought we came from monkeys??

Mum lied to me

 

[Handley_Page]

How to Interpret Military Performance Reports ...

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for
superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.

WILL GO FAR: Related to management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

 

[doormouse]

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/382658/hilarious_people_getting_hurt/

almost peed myself laughing lol

 

[Crudebug]

I thought we came from monkeys??
Mum lied to me

Maybe she didn't... she maybe related to this gurrrl's dad.... lol

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved..' The confused girl returned to her mother and said,' Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

 

[Handley_Page]

We just seen that one!

----------------------------------------------
Outsmart a Woman?


A man calls home to his wife and says, 'Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?


The wife replies, ' I did, they're in your tackle box.


And the moral of the story is:
Never, never, ever, ever try to outsmart a woman!!!

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by... He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his f*cking widow."

 

[curl4ever]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by... He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

...

LOVED IT!!! Thanks, Handley!

 

[doormouse]

*bump*

Don't have any GOOD jokes... gonna go look for some

 

[doormouse]

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
___

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman

___

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

___

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

 

[Handley_Page]

Creative Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.

Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, arsehole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

 

[curl4ever]

...
___

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."

___

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

...

Very funny! They were a nice start to the day. Thanks, doormouse!

 

[DesertPirate]

From a friend in texas....
I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel) event at the United Spirit Arena in Lubbock if anybody wants them.


He's going to try to jump 1000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer

 

[Handley_Page]

Into a bar one evening strolled a very pretty young lady who wore not a thing; not a stitch. The barman's eyes followed her every subtle sway and movement as she crossed the floor.
She approached the bar "Please give me a beer," she demanded.
The barman continued to look.
"Ain't you seen a naked lady before?" she said.

The barman continued to look at the lady and said "Well, miss, I was wondering from where you'd get the money to pay for it."

 

[curl4ever]

Into a bar one evening strolled a very pretty young lady who wore not a thing; not a stitch. The barman's eyes followed her every subtle sway and movement as she crossed the floor.
She approached the bar "Please give me a beer," she demanded.
The barman continued to look.
"Ain't you seen a naked lady before?" she said.

The barman continued to look at the lady and said "Well, miss, I was wondering from where you'd get the money to pay for it."

HAH! Very nice! Thanks, Handley.