curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 2,015
Very nice!
Thanks, Handley.Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
Thanks, Handley.
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
Who's funnier, Teachers or Cops!
Teachers
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others
.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Cops
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't kno w how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket..'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
Teachers
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others
.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
Cops
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't kno w how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket..'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey shit.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
Quotes on PEOPLE
I love mankind. It’s people I can’t stand
I think I am a pretty good judge of people, which is why I hate most of them.
Other people? They are usually a mistake.
I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear.
It’s absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming and tedious.
There are two classes of people in this world: those who divide people into classes and those who don’t.
People should not be treated like objects. They are not that valuable.
The average person thinks he isn’t.
No man is an island. But some of us are pretty long peninsulas.
There are two types of people in this world. Good and Bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy their waking hours more.
There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are ten types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
I love mankind. It’s people I can’t stand
I think I am a pretty good judge of people, which is why I hate most of them.
Other people? They are usually a mistake.
I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear.
It’s absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming and tedious.
There are two classes of people in this world: those who divide people into classes and those who don’t.
People should not be treated like objects. They are not that valuable.
The average person thinks he isn’t.
No man is an island. But some of us are pretty long peninsulas.
There are two types of people in this world. Good and Bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy their waking hours more.
There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are ten types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language....no joke (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN ).
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple.Y'all have a nice day!
God's laughter is heard in the song of birds!
Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language....no joke (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN ).
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's plain an' simple.Y'all have a nice day!
God's laughter is heard in the song of birds!
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
About Men
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man.
Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
A man is two people. Himself and his friend Cock. Of the two, the friend is nicer, being more able to show his true feelings.
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Men are not a reasoned or reasonable gender.
God gave men a penis and brain but only enough blood supply for one at a time.
It’s a pity more men are not bastards by birth, instead of vocation.
Men act like God Almighty coz they got a cock and can mend a flex.
There are three types of men. One type learns from books, another from observations and the third type just has to pee on the electric fence himself.
Batteries are better than men because they have a positive side.
Men talk to women so they can sleep with them. Women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
Being male, more or less, is the same thing as having a personality disorder.
If we ever invent a vibrator which can open pickle jars, men have had it.
Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Men are like car alarms. Both make a lot of noise no one listens to.
When a woman tries on something from the closet which feels tight, she assumes she has gained weight. Men declare the clothes have shrunk.
Imagine a world without men. No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
A hard man is good to find.
If it were not for women, men would be in the garden of Eden eating watermelons and taking it easy.
Men are lunatics and women are idiots.
Men don’t live well by themselves. They don’t even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
It is not the men in your life that counts. It is the life in your men.
A Man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
A man without a woman is like a moose without a hat rack.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
A woman’s a woman until the day she dies. A man’s only a man as long as he can.
Macho does not prove mucho.
They claim to be he-men but the hair from their combined chests wouldn’t have made a wig for a grape.
He may have hair upon his chest sister, so has Lassie…
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in Biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
Men read maps better because only a male mind could conceive of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man.
Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
A man is two people. Himself and his friend Cock. Of the two, the friend is nicer, being more able to show his true feelings.
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Men are not a reasoned or reasonable gender.
God gave men a penis and brain but only enough blood supply for one at a time.
It’s a pity more men are not bastards by birth, instead of vocation.
Men act like God Almighty coz they got a cock and can mend a flex.
There are three types of men. One type learns from books, another from observations and the third type just has to pee on the electric fence himself.
Batteries are better than men because they have a positive side.
Men talk to women so they can sleep with them. Women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
Being male, more or less, is the same thing as having a personality disorder.
If we ever invent a vibrator which can open pickle jars, men have had it.
Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Men are like car alarms. Both make a lot of noise no one listens to.
When a woman tries on something from the closet which feels tight, she assumes she has gained weight. Men declare the clothes have shrunk.
Imagine a world without men. No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
A hard man is good to find.
If it were not for women, men would be in the garden of Eden eating watermelons and taking it easy.
Men are lunatics and women are idiots.
Men don’t live well by themselves. They don’t even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
It is not the men in your life that counts. It is the life in your men.
A Man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
A man without a woman is like a moose without a hat rack.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
A woman’s a woman until the day she dies. A man’s only a man as long as he can.
Macho does not prove mucho.
They claim to be he-men but the hair from their combined chests wouldn’t have made a wig for a grape.
He may have hair upon his chest sister, so has Lassie…
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in Biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
Men read maps better because only a male mind could conceive of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
Women
What would men be without women? Scarce sir, might scarce.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at them but would not want to own one.
I never panic. When I get lost, I just change where it is I want to go.
We have a saying in Russia: Women are like Busses’ That’s it.
I love women though I couldn’t eat a whole one. But I think I know where I’d start.
God created women because sheep can’t type.
Women can pour hot wax on their legs and still scream at the sight of a spider.
Women are like tea bags. Can’t tell how string they are until you put them in hot water.
You don’t know a woman until you’ve met her in court.
Women complain about PMS, but I think it is the only time of the month I can be myself.
Women might start a rumour, but not a war.
If women ran the world there would be no wars. Just intense negotiations every twenty eight days,
The best thing about being a woman is that she can pretend to be more stupid than she is and no one is surprised.
Men say `women and children’ first only to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Judging from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are:
1. Why all men are disgusting pigs… and
2. How to attract men
If there had been three wise women instead of men, they’d have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby and brought disposable diapers as gifts.
Good woman always think it is their fault when someone else is being offensive. Bad women never take the blame for anything.
All the reasons of a man cannot outweigh a single feeling of a woman.
Intuition is the strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.
Women, can’t live without them, can’t bury them in the backyard without the neighbours watching.
Women want men, careers, money, children, luxury, friends, freedom, love and a three dollar panty hose that won’t run.
A woman is a person who can look in a drawer and find a man’s sock that isn’t there.
There is no bigger fan of the opposite sex than and I have the bills to prove it.
Smart girls know how to play tennis, piano and dumb.
Show me a woman who feels no guilt and I will show you a man.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
A woman can never be president. A candidate must be 35 or over and where will you find a woman who will admit she is over 35?
A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man and takes a pinch of salt with everything he says to her.
Wild horses couldn’t drag a secret out of most women. However, most women seldom have lunch with wild horses.
A woman only needs two tools in life. WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
The trouble with women is that they never put the toilet seat back up.
What a nasty mind you have Bruce. Where did you learn to think like a woman
Women, can’t live with them…… end of sentence.
What would men be without women? Scarce sir, might scarce.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at them but would not want to own one.
I never panic. When I get lost, I just change where it is I want to go.
We have a saying in Russia: Women are like Busses’ That’s it.
I love women though I couldn’t eat a whole one. But I think I know where I’d start.
God created women because sheep can’t type.
Women can pour hot wax on their legs and still scream at the sight of a spider.
Women are like tea bags. Can’t tell how string they are until you put them in hot water.
You don’t know a woman until you’ve met her in court.
Women complain about PMS, but I think it is the only time of the month I can be myself.
Women might start a rumour, but not a war.
If women ran the world there would be no wars. Just intense negotiations every twenty eight days,
The best thing about being a woman is that she can pretend to be more stupid than she is and no one is surprised.
Men say `women and children’ first only to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Judging from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are:
1. Why all men are disgusting pigs… and
2. How to attract men
If there had been three wise women instead of men, they’d have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby and brought disposable diapers as gifts.
Good woman always think it is their fault when someone else is being offensive. Bad women never take the blame for anything.
All the reasons of a man cannot outweigh a single feeling of a woman.
Intuition is the strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.
Women, can’t live without them, can’t bury them in the backyard without the neighbours watching.
Women want men, careers, money, children, luxury, friends, freedom, love and a three dollar panty hose that won’t run.
A woman is a person who can look in a drawer and find a man’s sock that isn’t there.
There is no bigger fan of the opposite sex than and I have the bills to prove it.
Smart girls know how to play tennis, piano and dumb.
Show me a woman who feels no guilt and I will show you a man.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
A woman can never be president. A candidate must be 35 or over and where will you find a woman who will admit she is over 35?
A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man and takes a pinch of salt with everything he says to her.
Wild horses couldn’t drag a secret out of most women. However, most women seldom have lunch with wild horses.
A woman only needs two tools in life. WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
The trouble with women is that they never put the toilet seat back up.
What a nasty mind you have Bruce. Where did you learn to think like a woman
Women, can’t live with them…… end of sentence.
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 2,015
Loved them (especially these two)!
Thanks, Crudebug!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If
you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to
you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite,
cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and
without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to
you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite,
cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and
without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin
crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an
emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an
emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
Loved them (especially these two)!
lmao.. yw...
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 2,015
Another belly-laugher!
Thanks, Handley!
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
"...I hereby convey to you full title to this orange at your own risk without recourse to me for any injury or tort that might occur as a result of this transfer. Please sign this transfer agreement and waiver indemnifying me against any suit that might arise. My fee for the written transfer and waiver is five hundred dollars..."
Og
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
When I get up, I grab the paper and look in the obituaries, if I'm not there, it's going to be a good day! - George Burns
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a
long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won,
the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice
prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won,
the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice
prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
In India the law permits prohibition and prohibits permission
In China the law says it is forbidden to forbid forbidding
In Saudi homosexuality is punishable by imprisonment for ten years.. ...there is a two year waiting list...
In Pakistan.. umm.. there is no word for LAW.. just FATWAS
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2006
- Posts
- 20,584
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit......third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this
Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit......third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this
Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2008
- Posts
- 21,881
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into their room... they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh, I see, but the other night, when I came into you and daddy's room,
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night,
they go into their room... they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh, I see, but the other night, when I came into you and daddy's room,
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2008
- Posts
- 21,881
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 2,015
Definite favorite! Thanks, Zeb!
After getting used to the version in the current commercial, I was pleasantly surprised by this version! Thanks, JL!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture
was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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