Humor Thread

[curl4ever]

I remember this one from many years ago.
DG

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

...

Didn't know whether to cringe or laugh out loud! Thanks, DG.

 

[DG Hear]

Another Oldie but goodie.
DG

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, stone. Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question: What was in the prince's pants?

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Answer:

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

 

[Handley_Page]

When I was 18, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma, leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little town where we lived (She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my
age).

My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday, on Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex. We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly, then we heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come home for a Sunday lunch!

When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my mother was sitting at the dining room table and asked, "Did your father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?"

He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said,
"No, Mum, he did not."

To which she replied, "Darn, I didn't think so, we were married for 28 years and he never made me scream like that!!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Newspaper Contest to imitate "Deep Thoughts" ...

* I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life? -- Age 15

* Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

* Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

* For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

* Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you
could come up with! --Age 6

* As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. -- Age 7

* Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

* It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would
be right there. -- Age 5

* If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. -- Age 15

 

[DG Hear]

The pregnant blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her. She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.' She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't
be happier for you!' Then she said, 'There's more' I asked, What do you mean there's more.

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.. She said....



(You're going to love this!)
'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!

 

[curl4ever]

The pregnant blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her. She said, 'I have some really great news!'

...

Great groaner! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

Little Johnny

A Little Johnny joke I have never heard before
DG

The teacher asks the first grade students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil: "Tylenol?"
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?"
Pupil: "It is used for headaches."

Second pupil: "Nytol, Teacher."
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?"
Pupil: “To help you sleep."

Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: "Viagra."
Teacher: “Johnny, what do you think is it used for?"
Johnny: "It can be used for diarrhea."

Teacher: "Who told you this?"
Johnny: "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ...
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.

 

[curl4ever]

A Little Johnny joke I have never heard before
DG

The teacher asks the first grade students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

...

Nice one! Thanks, DG!

 

[Handley_Page]

A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the road, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

 

[curl4ever]

A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

...

Love it!!! Thanks, Handley!

 

[DG Hear]

I must be getting old. I had to read this a couple of times before I got it.
DG

Little girl asked a Call Girl: “Ma’am, you own a car, a big house and a large bank balance which business do you do?”

Call Girl: “I have small ‘hole’ sale business.”

 

[DG Hear]

Dumb, but it is on the humorous side
DG

LATE AGAIN

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
'What's the story this time, Jones?' he asked sarcastically, 'Let's hear a good excuse for a change.'

Jones sighed, 'Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.'

'You'll have to do better than that, Jones,' said the boss, obviously disappointed, 'No woman can get ready in ten minutes

 

[curl4ever]

Little girl asked a Call Girl: “Ma’am, you own a car, a big house and a large bank balance which business do you do?”

Call Girl: “I have small ‘hole’ sale business.”

Very nice! Thanks, DG!

 

[Crudebug]

The teacher asks the first grade students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil: "Tylenol?"
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?"
Pupil: "It is used for headaches."
Second pupil: "Nytol, Teacher."
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?"
Pupil: “To help you sleep."
Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: "Viagra."
Teacher: “Johnny, what do you think is it used for?"
Johnny: "It can be used for diarrhea."
Teacher: "Who told you this?"
Johnny: "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ... 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.

 

[curl4ever]

Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it


Follow your dreams except the one where you're naked in church.


Sometimes having too much to drink isn't enough.


Heaven is where:
The police are British
The chef's are Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's organized by the Swiss

Hell is where:
The police are German
The chef's are English
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's organized by the Italians


Headline: SUICIDAL TWIN KILLS SISTER BY MISTAKE


My short-term memory isn't as sharp as it used to be and
my short term memory isn't as sharp as it used to be.


Welcome to Utah
Please set your watch back 30 years


In just 48 hours tomorrow will be yesterday


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.


I am a nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore I am perfect


Kentucky: Five million people...Fifteen last names


I'm not your type...I'm not inflateable


Dyslexics Have More Nuf


I love cooking with wine...
Sometimes I even put it in the food


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you


I'm having an out-of-money experience


Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol


Money isn't everything
But it sure keeps the kids in touch


End Hunger:
Eat a little snack


Am I living happily ever after yet?


Don't believe everything you think

Very funny, TE! I don't know how I missed them the first time, but they were quite a treat to find today.

 

[Handley_Page]

Here are ten signs that Twitter might be taking over your life.

1. You use @ everywhere
If you find yourself typing "I will be @thepub" without irony, using @john
when you meant to type an email address, putting @ in front of people's
names in forum posts and blog comments or spending Valentine's Day in the
shed because you wrote "@wife" on your partner's card, you may have a
problem.

2. You know the numbers
Here's a question no sane person can answer instantly: how many friends do
you have? Some people hear "friends" as "Twitter friends" and the exact
number trips off their tongue. Not only that, but they can tell you how
many new friends they added yesterday. You really don't want to be one of
those people.

3. Unfollows make you miserable
Yesterday, you had 32,344 followers. Today, you have 32,343. Cue angry
messages to @stoppedfollowingyou demanding an explanation while you sit in
front of your PC, rending your garments and weeping softly.

4. Everyone around you is on fire
If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs, you've
completely misjudged the severity of the situation. If the people around
you are on fire, being attacked by space lizards or turning into
flesh-eating zombies, sending a tweet really shouldn't be at the top of
your to-do list.

5. You're talking like a two-year-old
Hello tweeple! What's happening in the twitterverse today? How's my
favourite tweeps? Why do twooligans twy to twab me with twives every time I
leave the twouse?

6. You're tweeting while removing a cancerous tumour from a man's kidney
It's bad enough tweeting during your own surgery, but there's something
deeply disturbing about surgeons doing it while they operate. Hey, don't
let our life or death surgery keep you! Tweet away! Why not play a bit of
Xbox while you're at it? It's not as if surgery is difficult or dangerous,
after all.

7. You know too much about people you don't know Alexei Sayle once said
that your brain is like a warehouse, and there's only so much room inside
it - so if somebody tells you something inane, you might forget how to
breathe. If you know Stephen Fry's exact location but aren't entirely sure
where your kids are, what they're called or how many you have, you're
proving his point.

8. You've licensed your tweets
Tweet.cc enables you to publish your tweets under a Creative Commons
license. With very few exceptions, if you're thinking about which
particular Creative Commons version you should use for your tweets, you're
thinking way too much about Twitter.

9. You tweet when you meet
"Having a drink with @bob and @bert and @barb", tweets Billy. "Having a
drink with @billy, @bert and @bob," tweets Barb. "@thepub with @barb,
@billy and @bob", tweets Bert. "Are you going to order a bloody drink or
what?" says the barman.

10. You think in 140 characters
Your wife has been attacked by a shark in the middle of the high street.
"How can I make this poignant but funny in 140 characters?" you think.
"This would be a lot easier if it weren't for all the screaming."

 

[curl4ever]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

...

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

Priceless! Thanks, Jack!

 

[Handley_Page]

A short story ...

The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”.

The little pig said “F*ck off or I’ll sneeze on you”.

 

[DG Hear]

Set to me by a woman.
DG

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

 

[Weird Harold]

Set to me by a woman.
DG

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

It isn't about "importance" but about pain.

If you crush your brain you die. If you crush your nuts, you only wish you could die.

 

[DG Hear]

It isn't about "importance" but about pain.

If you crush your brain you die. If you crush your nuts, you only wish you could die.

Good one Harold!

 

[Handley_Page]

An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.

'Excuse me,' he said. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,
'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere".

 

[curl4ever]

An older man approaches a younger woman inside a shopping mall.

'Excuse me,' he said. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,
'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere".

Amen to that one! Thanks, Handley.

 

[Handley_Page]

I love this one. Think in terms of the voice of Dianna Troy's mum:


Honk if you love Jesus.

The wife of a preacher talked to her Sunday school class about a wonderful religious experience that she had the previous week:

"The other day I went up to the local Christian bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly happy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice at church so I brought the bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car.

"I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the traffic lights of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and I did not notice that the light had changed to go. It was a good thing that someone else loves Jesus or I may never have noticed that the lights had changed.

"I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and leaned out the window and screamed:
'For the love of God, Go.. Go..., Jesus Christ, GO..! '

"Everyone was honking. I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to All of those loving people and I even honked MY own horn a few times to Share in the love.

"A man from way back was yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back what this meant, he said it was nothing really, "Probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something".

"Well I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the Window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My son burst into laughter. Even he was enjoying the love of this marvellous religious experience.

"A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of the cars and were walking towards me. I think they wanted to pray, or ask which church I attended, but that was when I noticed the lights had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.

"Mine was the only car that got across the intersection before the lights changed again to red. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them, and all of the love that we had shared, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

"Praise the lord for such a wonderful experience"

 

[DG Hear]

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'



So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.