Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "

 

[DG Hear]

The English Language

ENGLISH

Can you read these correctly the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

 

[DG Hear]

Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, August 17th 2009


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR
CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays -- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll -- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The Floor -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 6
Loss Of Identity -- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things -- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost -- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations..
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live -- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy -- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven -- What It Is and How It Is Used? Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[DG Hear]

Bear Removel

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull, What are you going to do, the homeowner asks?

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[DG Hear]

The power of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
A broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
Try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone,
You should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
You're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug;
Some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to old it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'.
It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18.T here are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22 . Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[DG Hear]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. T ell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 

[michchick98]

The Turbo Encabulator

A guy at work told me to check out this video at You Tube. Hysterical, if you can get past the "technical" side of things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLDgQg6bq7o

 

[Handley_Page]

A guy at work told me to check out this video at You Tube. Hysterical, if you can get past the "technical" side of things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLDgQg6bq7o

Effin' brilliant !

 

[Crudebug]

There were four 80 year old men playing golf.
One complained the hills were to high.
The second complained the sand traps were too deep.
The third said the holes were too wide.
The fourth one said "Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!"

 

[DG Hear]

Learning Math

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, ’Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine...'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked.

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them Was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

 

[john-the-author]

Quote du jour from Eleanor Roosevelt

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
'No good in bed, but fine against a wall'.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt​

 

[Crudebug]

not what u expected .. huh?

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out... "Look DAD You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley! YOU RIDE IT!"

 

[Trinique_Fire]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street. The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out... "Look DAD You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley! YOU RIDE IT!"

PMSL!!! That was the laugh I needed!

 

[Crudebug]

PMSL!!! That was the laugh I needed!

LMAO.. I had a hearty chuckle at that one too.. glad u liked it..

 

[Crudebug]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?

 

[DG Hear]

This has been around a couple of times, but I like it.
DG

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

[DG Hear]

Limmericks, I didn't write them
DG

There was a young girl from Wick,
Who asked her mum what's a prick,
Her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny
And jumps up and down till it's sick.

I'd willingly fertilize Mary,
And watch for 9 months her shape vary,
From the very first day,
To the child-birth display,
When her tits would turn into a dairy.

 

[DG Hear]

Some old, some not so old.

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How did I end up with someone like you?

The difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let’s just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Wisdom through the ages...

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Thomas Jefferson

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

The biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats is the spelling. -- Anonymous

 

[DG Hear]

Good Stuff There Zeb!!! Thanks For Posting It.
DG

 

[DesertPirate]

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with the below agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City , County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM! -- It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

 

[DesertPirate]

Letter to the Bank:




Dear Sirs:

One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".

In view of current events in the banking market, does that refer to me or to you?

-----------------

Drive-In banks were established so that cars could see their real owners.

 

[DG Hear]

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with the below agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City , County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM! -- It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

Good one DP! I totally agree.

 

[DG Hear]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex
You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

 

[DG Hear]

God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'


Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy a ticket.'