Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Vaseline

VASELINE

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked atthe door and was greeted by a young woman with three smallchildren running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to meand say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it forsex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank sofar, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

 

[DG Hear]

Three blondes...

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were aspiring to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That's easy, and we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks his, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde smiles, pats her hair in place and says, “Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.' He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That's easy,” the blonde replied. “He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

 

[DG Hear]

Three ladies...

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, “Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.

The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.

The second lady not wanting to be left behind began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take me first.

The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. “Why are you doing that,” the other ladies questioned.

“Well they always search for the black box first,” replied the black lady with a smile.

 

[DG Hear]

Boccelli Leather Shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla, my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."

Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

(Ok, What was anyone else thinking?)
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Sad but true

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another asserby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

[Crudebug]

my mind in still in the gutter... lol

Boccelli Leather Shoes

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla, my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."

Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

(Ok, What was anyone else thinking?)
DG

The Boccelli Leather Shoes CRACKED me up... rotflmao...

Got me thinking... ummmm.... What is Gennaro gets a shoe fetish...??
will he get a crack on his shoe if he gets his shoe on ( or in) a crack?

 

[oggbashan]

Eccentric Brits 01

A letter to The Times:

Sir, while clearing the house of a deceased aunt we found a box labelled, correctly 'Pieces of string too short to keep.'.

Responses:

Years ago, after the death of my husband's great aunt, I found a tin labelled 'Old toffees. Not to be eaten.'.

We found a parcel, labelled in my great grandmother's handwriting 'Old blanket. Too good for cow.'.

Soon after my grandmother's death we were much amused to find among the odds and ends a bottle labelled 'Might be Aspirin'.

Clearing a house after the death of a 90-plus widow, I found in an old oak chest an assortment of potentially useful items, all neatly labelled with Indian ink on tiny luggage labels, in paper bags, including: cups without handles, cup handles, curtain rings, rusty curtain rings. Now that's what even my wife would call thrift, I think.

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Eccentric Brits 02

Auberon Waugh died in 2001. This anecdote:

After being ditched by a a school girlfriend Alexander told his family 'I never want another girlfriend as long as I live - girls are odious!'

The next day Auberon called his son into the library and said, 'My dear boy, the anus was designed for the retention and expulsion of faecal matter, not for the reception of foreign organs, however lovingly placed there.'.

Auberon Waugh after a tabloid newspaper had called Princess Anne a 'sourpuss':

'Why on earth should she be anything but a sourpuss, if that is her nature? We were expected to revere a nondescript young woman who was plainly neither very intelligent nor very charming. Now, at long last, we learn that she is not nondescript at all, but a genuine and unmistakable eccentric... I would much prefer to see her scowl. Her smile, though no fault of her own, is a rather horrible thing.'

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Eccentric Brits 03

As foot-and-mouth disease spread throughout the country, organisers of the medieval annual sheep fair at Masham, North Yorkshire, decided to carry on - without sheep. Pens were arranged to accommodate an array of cardboard cut-out sheep along with dogs dressed as sheep.

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Eccentric Brits 04

After Spike Milligan died, the newspapers finally reported his comment on being made a CBE:

"I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists."

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Eccentric Brits 05

The savoury spread Marmite was the subject of a House of Commons motion. Former Sports Minister Tony Banks said that 2002 marked the 100th anniversary of its creation. His motion said:

"We take intense satisfaction from the essential Britishness of the product and its lack of appeal for the majority of the world's population."

Og

 

[Crudebug]

Chuckling at the eccentricities of the Brits...
Loved the one on CBE... reminded me of the comment...
The sun never used to set on the British empire.. now it rarely rises over it..

 

[DG Hear]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York
City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor where
the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.

 

[agedmac]

ah vaseline jokes...

A guy is taking a road trip through the South in the summer, but he knows about the bugs and how they can ruin the paint job of the front end of the car as they embed into the front as you drive. So, he gets this bright idea of putting vaseline on the front of the car. At the end of the first day of travel, he stops at a car wash and simply washes the vaseline and bugs off!

He continues on the journey doing the same each day until one day he stops at a service station to refill and decides to use the 'full service' area (there are a few left!) and the station guy asks if he wants him to check under the hood. He releases the latch and the guy reaches down and tries to raise the hood but his hand slips in the vaseline. And does so again and asks the guy what it is.

"Oh vaseline"

The mechanic pauses and says, "What's wrong? Tight garage?"

VASELINE

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked atthe door and was greeted by a young woman with three smallchildren running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to meand say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it forsex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank sofar, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

 

[DG Hear]

How the fight started

Received these today. Had them before but they make me smile.
DG

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......

*****

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started......

*****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started......

*****

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started......

*****

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started.....

*****

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started.....

*****

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Rickars Red for $34.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

*****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......

 

[DG Hear]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when
working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have
their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while
he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back to place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in
his forehead.
-------------------------

 

[SeaCat]

AS the fresh egg was going to be dropped into the pot of boiling water it was heard to say:

It will take me a couple of minutes to get hard as I've just been laid.

Cat

 

[DG Hear]

AS the fresh egg was going to be dropped into the pot of boiling water it was heard to say:

It will take me a couple of minutes to get hard as I've just been laid.

Cat

Now that was cute Cat. Thanks for posting, please come back often.

 

[DG Hear]

Okay, I know this is a crude ... joke I know, but still funy.

There's a bunch of queers in a hot tub. A blob of cum floats to the surface. One guy says: "Okay. Who farted!"

 

[wanttorock]

Newlyweds sorting things out

On their wedding night the new bride and groom were talking and getting to know one another. They deiced to try and ensure marital bliss by setting up a few ground rules to go by.
The husband stated to his new bride “When we go to bed and your feeling in the mood, just reach over and pull on my cock three times.”
“And if your not in the mood when we go to bed, just reach over and pull on my cock three hundred times!”

 

[DG Hear]

Limmericks

I didn't write them, have no idea who did.
DG

There was a young girl from Wick,
Who asked her mum what's a prick,
Her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny
And jumps up and down till it's sick.

I'd willingly fertilize Mary,
And watch for 9 months her shape vary,
From the very first day,
To the child-birth display,
When her tits would turn into a dairy.

 

[DG Hear]

Counting in English

I found this interesting. Someone else can do the counting and let me know if it's true.
DG

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' and 'd' do not appear anywhere
in the spellings of 1 to 99(Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' and 'c' do not appear anywhere in the
spellings of 1 to 999(Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' and 'c' do not appear anywhere in the
spellings of 1 to 999,999,999(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

And

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings
of entire English Counting.

 

[DG Hear]

I found this interesting. Someone else can do the counting and let me know if it's true.
DG

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' and 'd' do not appear anywhere
in the spellings of 1 to 99(Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' and 'c' do not appear anywhere in the
spellings of 1 to 999(Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' and 'c' do not appear anywhere in the
spellings of 1 to 999,999,999(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

And

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings
of entire English Counting.

Here is a UK response

In UK English counting this is even more pronounced:
Letters 'b' and 'c' do not appear anywhere in the
spellings of 1 to 999,999,999,999(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)
since in English counting 1,000,000,000 is a milliard and 1,000,000,000,000 is a billion.

'c', however, does appear in the names at a decillion which is 1 followed by 33 zeros in the USA and 1 followed by 60 zeros in the UK.

 

[DG Hear]

Up

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so............ Time to shut UP.....!

 

[Crudebug]

Okay, I know this is a crude ... joke I know, but still funy.

There's a bunch of queers in a hot tub. A blob of cum floats to the surface. One guy says: "Okay. Who farted!"

That was one of the best bathtub jokes I have heard in along time... rrrrrrrrtoflmao...

The trivia on numbers was interesting, to say the least...

and then I got caught UP in the list of things you came UP with... but when you decided to finally shut UP... it just cracked me UP...