Humor Thread
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Beautiful Butt!
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Dumb Joke
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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A Stiff Idea
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
Crudebug
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Hey Crude, I must be one of the sick ones. That's was funny.
lmao... the BOB one too rocked... probably the tattoo artist parked the knob of his needle while tattooing the cheeks.. and expanded the tite lil dot in between B.B.. lol
DG Hear
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Over Smart
I know we've had this one before but it makes me laugh whenever I read it.
DG
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
I know we've had this one before but it makes me laugh whenever I read it.
DG
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
Crudebug
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There was a Jew and a Chinaman sitting at the bar drinking.
All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinaman in the face, knocking him off his stool.
Stunned, the Chinaman gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor.
The Chinaman says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
The Jew says, "Well you have black hair, squinted eyes, and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."
The Chinaman says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.
About a half hour later the Chinaman turns and punches the Jew in the face, knocking him off his stool.
The Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Chinaman says "That was for the Titanic."
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an iceberg!"
The Chinaman says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."
All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinaman in the face, knocking him off his stool.
Stunned, the Chinaman gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor.
The Chinaman says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
The Jew says, "Well you have black hair, squinted eyes, and buckteeth, it's all the same to me."
The Chinaman says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking.
About a half hour later the Chinaman turns and punches the Jew in the face, knocking him off his stool.
The Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
The Chinaman says "That was for the Titanic."
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an iceberg!"
The Chinaman says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Just received this from a friend.
DG
EAR HAIR
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
DG
EAR HAIR
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Quiz
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is Whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
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1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward s . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3.. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle Is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with 'dw' Dwarf, dwell and dwindle .
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ..... Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART ......... Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one
unstable person !
Well, my job's done
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is Whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
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> > Scroll for answers
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1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward s . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3.. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle Is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with 'dw' Dwarf, dwell and dwindle .
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ..... Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART ......... Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one
unstable person !
Well, my job's done
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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The physical
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:
"Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:
"Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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This just isn't right!!!
A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered
a massive heart attack and died...
The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body,
saying, "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that
we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?"
To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut
it off and stuff it in his ass."
When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained
expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the
casket... Bending over him she said softly...
"Hurts, doesn't it?"
A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered
a massive heart attack and died...
The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body,
saying, "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that
we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?"
To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut
it off and stuff it in his ass."
When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained
expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the
casket... Bending over him she said softly...
"Hurts, doesn't it?"
redpaint
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Two farm boys were bragging about their fathers. Said one, "My Dad built such a good scarecrow that the crows stayed off our farm all summer." "That's nothing," said the other. "My Dad made a scarecrow so scary that the crows brought back corn they stole last year."
redpaint
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Translated Car Ads
- Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.
- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.
- 10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.
- Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.
- Very clean - Only washed if and when it rains.
- Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.
- Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floor mats.
- Immobilizer - The gear shift comes off in your hand.
- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.
- Drives beautifully - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.
- Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.
- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.
- Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.
- Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.
- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.
- 10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.
- Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.
- Very clean - Only washed if and when it rains.
- Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.
- Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floor mats.
- Immobilizer - The gear shift comes off in your hand.
- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.
- Drives beautifully - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.
- Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.
- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.
- Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.
redpaint
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My mother, Evelyn, was a very robust woman in both spirit and size. She was in the hospital, not feeling well, but her sense of humour was still top-drawer. We were chatting when the surgeon came in with her chart.
"Evelyn," he said, "it says here that you're 79 years old, but that doesn't seem right."
"Well, it's true" she said. "I'll be 80 at the end of this year."
"You don't have any wrinkles on your face!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, that's easy to explain," Mom said. "I don't have a bra on!"
"Evelyn," he said, "it says here that you're 79 years old, but that doesn't seem right."
"Well, it's true" she said. "I'll be 80 at the end of this year."
"You don't have any wrinkles on your face!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, that's easy to explain," Mom said. "I don't have a bra on!"
redpaint
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A major airline recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, The PR department sent out letters to all the wives of the business men who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
redpaint
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One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons - a one-hundred-dollar sermon that lasts five minutes, a fifty-dollar sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a ten-dollar sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
redpaint
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Mrs Willencot was very frugal. When her husband died, she asked the newspaper how much it would cost for a death notice. "Two dollars for five words." "Can I pay for just two words?" she asked. "Willencot dead." "No, five words is the minimum." Mrs Willencot thought a moment. "Willencot dead. Cadillac for sale."
Crudebug
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So these rates for parking in the pews could be called HARKING CHARGES..
lmao... if only the same applies to parking..
On another line of thought.. in times of economic crises.. the minister better make sure he does not get a sore throat.. lol
rotflmao.. @ the Cadillac Obit... I bet many will take a leaf out of her book in these hard times..
Crudebug
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Men Jokes
OK, I RECEIVED THIS DOESN'T MEAN I AGREE WITH IT.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' ALABAMA !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
OK, I RECEIVED THIS DOESN'T MEAN I AGREE WITH IT.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' ALABAMA !'
And they say blondes are dumb....
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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