Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Ray & Bubba ( mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

By the way: Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.

 

[redpaint]

Definitions

1.) THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female.....Any part under a car's hood. Male.........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.)VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3.) COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male..........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4.) COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.....A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5.) ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v. Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book. Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6.) FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male.........A source of entertainment, self-statement, male bonding.

7.) MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8.) REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels.

 

[redpaint]

I may have posted this one before, if so sorry, it still funny.


Texas Chili Contest



For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

>Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

>Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

>Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

>Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

>Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

>Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

>Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

>Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

>Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

>Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

>Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

>Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety

>Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili

>Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

>Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili

>Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

 

[DG Hear]

Always Happy to see your posts Red. If someone has read them before they can just go to the next ones. I was happy to see our Witchy friends visiting also. Of course we are glad to have all posters here. Don't want to leave anyone out.
Thanks all
DG

 

[redpaint]

AT & T



One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.

I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: (swallowing) Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

 

[redpaint]

Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

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If people evolved from apes, why are there still ape s?

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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're goin g?'

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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

 

[DG Hear]

Might be old, don't remember anymore. They made me smile.

THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take
your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

 

[redpaint]

There's a blonde and a red head. It's 10'oclock at night and they're at the blonde's house watching the late news. On the news was a story of a man who commited suicide then the redhead turns to the blonde and says "I bet $50 you he'll jump", and the blonde says "ok I bet $50 you he won't ".

The man jumped, so the blonde pulls out her purse and says "here's your $50", and the redhead said "no I can't accept it. I watched the early news and heard that he jumped". Then the blonde replied "So did I but I didn't think he'd jump again!"

 

[DG Hear]

Marriage

When I had been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, a big king-sized bed, and an 80 inch plasma screen TV. But I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out
and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make absolutely sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems in a hurry.

 

[DG Hear]

The Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[DG Hear]

Myths

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are here?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[DG Hear]

NOT A JOKE BUT A GREAT MESSAGE
DG

A fantastic message- perfect for these difficult times. Happy Easter to ALL

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.

The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,"What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently... The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this:
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May we all be COFFEE.

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL OF YOU
DG Hear

 

[DG Hear]

Underpants

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ''Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!''

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

''What the Hell is this?' He said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. ''April,'' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker... ''It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'!''

******************

An old man who had just married for the first time sat in bed reading a book called Sex Made Easy.

His young bride said, "What you need is a book named Sex made Hard!"

 

[john-the-author]

Okay, we're all going to Hell

If you read this headline and laugh out loud, you’re going to Hell:

From MSNBC on Good Friday:

Cops: Priest runs over Good Friday churchgoers

(I'll see you there, I guess. )

 

[DG Hear]

Rodeo Sex

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds

 

[DG Hear]

Smoking

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."

"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

(that was dumb) haha

 

[DG Hear]

Ouch!!!

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

 

[Dianthus]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

 

[Crudebug]

A woman who was not particularly into modern art ended up touring the modern art museum with a couple of friends.
Stopping in one area, she said to the guard, "I suppose this is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, madam," replied the guard. "That's called a mirror."

 

[SweetWitch]

AT & T



One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer.

I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: (swallowing) Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

You're my hero.

 

[redpaint]

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
Her response - click.
.
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
.
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
.
An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
.
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
.
A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.
I think that's very rude!''
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , C A is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
.
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii?''
.
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
.
A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
.
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.
'Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
.
A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.'''
The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'
.
'Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

 

[DG Hear]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

 

[DG Hear]

Dentistry Choice

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

 

[DG Hear]

Tarzan Sex

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'

 

[Crudebug]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"