Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME."

 

[bsergi1]

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to
see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least
we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opene d up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered littlebowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

 

[DG Hear]

Master to Servant

Master: "Why didn't you deliver that message as instructed?"

Servant: "I did the best I could, sir."

Master: "The best you could! If I had known I was sending a stupid idiot, I would have gone myself!"

 

[DG Hear]

The Picture Gallery

Visitor to an art exhibition: "Why did they hang that picture?"
Attendant: "Probably couldn't find the artist."

 

[DG Hear]

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/cid_1_3706364017web57307_mail_re1_y.jpg

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'So, what's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'And what the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I just can't see my ass coming into work today.'

 

[Discretfun83]

Not going to read through them all so I will just post it and see what happens.


Home Depot Scam!
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the
backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. Also July 1st, 3rd, twice on the 6th, three times
last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful and Wal-Mart has wallets on sale 2.99
each

 

[Discretfun83]

9 Words Women use that Should Sounds Alarms!

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[Discretfun83]

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.


Keep going . . . Don't stop ... .




Think of an animal that begins with that letter.


Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.



Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name


Almost there........






Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.



Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.


Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.



Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?!





Of course not......

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the shit out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!

 

[midwestyankee]

A few questions most people never ask (or answer):

Q What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A Anyone can roast beef.


Q What do you call Santa's helpers?

A Subordinate clauses.


Q What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

A Quattro cinco.


Q Why don't blind people sky dive?

A It scares the dog.


Q What happens to eskimos when they sit on the ice too long?

A They get Polaroids.

 

[DG Hear]

Calmness in Our Lives.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, " The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey 's Irish Cream, a bottle of Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old
Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
peace.

 

[Crudebug]

Here they are. Sorry about that.

11. Pisces (February 20-March 20)
>>>>

12. Aries (March 21-April 20)
>>>>>

Thanks Red... you're a peach!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Can you believe it?
Man wins Georgia lottery on Wednesday, finds love of his life two days later.
Talk about luck!!









http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/cid_9F77EA73-15CA-444A-A29D-3F21A22.jpg

Is America A Great Country Or What!?

 

[bsergi1]

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

 

[bsergi1]

Something for the Readers out There

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

 

[SweetWitch]

Mel Gibson as Colonel Sanders

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPYChyfxWNs

 

[SweetWitch]

The Colonel's response (very sad)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imARHNv7dMI

 

[rgraham666]

Zombie Bank

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3417/3352775608_9857861c6e_o.png

 

[DG Hear]

Brotherly Loyalty

Over lunch two businessmen were discussing their children.

"My three sons really stay together," said one. If one of them does something wrong, the other two never tattle on him."

That's wonderful loyalty," observed the other, "but how do you discover which one is guilty so you can punish him?"

"Oh, that's no problem," laughed the father of the three boys. "I just send them all to bed without dinner and, in the morning, paddle the one with the black eye."

 

[DG Hear]

Budget vs. Raise

Wife, poring over figures to husband:

"Well, I've worked out a budget - now you'll have to work out a raise."

 

[DG Hear]

A beggar who said he was hungry received one dollar from a sympathetic passer-by. "Now spend this for food," the donor emphasized. "Don't throw it away on drink."

The beggar took the money and grumbled, "Do I tell you how to spend your money?"

 

[DG Hear]

Military Rank

I was asked by the company commander to explain why a report was in error. "Sir," I said, "you have to understand that I have four idiots working for me."

He looked up from his desk and said, "You are lucky. I have five idiots working for me."

 

[DG Hear]

You gotta love this......

How to stop church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Wallace, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Wallace (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Wallace, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, Wallace quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!

You gotta love Wallace

 

[DG Hear]

$7 Sex

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees...

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the
doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

 

[redpaint]

YOU'RE IN SUCH BAD SHAPE! HOW BAD IS IT?

You're in such bad shape, you breathe hard when your stocking runs.

You're in such bad shape, you couldn't even strike a match.

You're in such bad shape, I hear undertakers come up to you and give estimates.

You're in such bad shape, if a vampire bit you, all it would get is practice.

You're in such bad shape, if you tried to run a bath, you'd come in second.

And finally, you're in such bad shape, you look like you're walking around just to save on funeral expenses.

 

[redpaint]

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"